The Beginning

There are so many wonderful blogs I have read and kept up with that gave me the strength to become comfortable with who I am. I would have liked to follow many from the beginning of the journey and that being the case I thought I should start mine from just that....the beginning. It took me a long time to get here but I am excited for what the future holds.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Happy Holidays

Although there has not been very much writing going on over here things are chugging along. Tragedy across the country and medical issues have left this one not much in the mood to write and questioning why she does so in the first place; yet here am I drawn to this place for comfort and friends.

There was a time slave was afraid when things got tough submission would be harder or take a back seat however she now finds it is part of her. Part of who she is and what makes her tick. It may not come easy at times but it is a part of her being and that my friends is welcome thought.

To everyone who follows, stops by time to time or landed here by accident; for you I wish the happiest holidays filled with family, peace, love and of course some kink!

Thursday, November 29, 2012

A Playdate to Remember - Part 1

Nothing from the oncologist yet but today this girl wants to focus on better things.
This past weekend there was an empty house for several hours and Master wanted to take advantage of that to the fullest extent. Normally scenes are rushed due to children, parents and schedules which tend to cause slave to remain in a certain comfort zone that she can’t explain. It is hard to become nervous when one knows there is limited time.
With a full 8 hours ahead the tone was much different. Upon arrival instructions were given, strip and kneel facing the corner. A tie was quickly inserted in slaves mouth and knotted tightly behind her head causing immediate drooling and making swallowing quite difficult. The sensation was overwhelming and tears began to spill over while trying to determine what was causing the background sound. Cuffs quickly secured wrists to one another behind her back and before there was time adjust first the ruler and then the cane came raining down on the sole of each foot. A sensation that is like no other, unpleasant while happening yet disappointing when gone.
When Master was satisfied he positioned slave over the edge of bed with tears sweat and drool mixing and leaving her wondering how unattractive she must look in that very moment. All vein thoughts swiftly leaving her mind as the Twisted Loop left no uncharted territory between the bend in her knees all the way up to her buttocks. As slave screamed and begged she managed to remain on her tiptoes not wanting to feel her body weight pressing down on the bottom of her sore feet. When the loop was put down slave turned to master to see what was coming and was quickly reminded to keep her eyes to herself as the caning then began. The begging subsided and the moaning eventually took while she thrust her bottom up in the air, noticing for the first time the slickness between her thighs. The dreaded sorority paddles came out as well which usually sends one into a panic, however this day it sent waives of pleasure through her body and she vaguely hears Master comment about this interesting change. Unfortunately he is not quite ready for her to be in that place and he stops to clamp both nipples and then lowers the paddling strikes to the back of her thighs. Slave momentarily mourns the loss of her safe word but quickly slips away again barely noticing when she is pushed up onto the bed, the clamps being ripped from her nipples as she is turned on her back.
Master reaches around her and unhooks the cuffs at the center leaving one on each wrist. He wipes her tears and applies a cuff to each ankle, pulling her arms down to each side and forcing her legs up in a bent position as he reattaches the cuffs. You do not have permission to cum he reminds his property as he plunges his fingers inside her causing her to shudder and cry out with need. Master removes his fingers and slave watches as he slips his belt from his trousers and folds it several times before beginning to whip her exposed sex. Tears once again spill down her cheeks. There is no way to close her legs for protection, juices splattering about each time the belt makes contact with her skin, leaving her breathless and squirming to get away. Are you ready for me to stop slave? He asks as she looks at him wide eyed not knowing what answer will be acceptable. He smiles down at her understanding her lack of response as he lets the belt fall to the floor simultaneously scooping up clothespins that he attaches to her sore lips.
Slave is once again rolled over after a few rapid slaps to the face which is now pushed down on to the bed; her knees buckled under her and pushed up to her chest. Do you know how wide your ass is opened up to me right now my love? He asks and once again receives no answer her mouth now aching from the strain of the tie being pulled so taught. To answer his own question for her  he again brings out the loop, this time turning it sideways so the  skinny rod strikes directly in between each butt cheek delivering a pain so incredibly strong he once again must remind slave she may not cum until he allows her to do so. He continues until the sobbing is uncontrollable and she is desperately trying to roll back over on to her back. He holds her down with one hand as he lets his pants and boxers fall to the ground and in one swift motion plunges himself deep between her cheeks as she cries out in pain trying to pull her swollen hole away. “You’ll be fine in a minute he whispers as he grabs both hips to control her bucking and drives himself deep inside her.
Master uses his slave until he is satisfied and brings her once again onto her back. Her body is now throbbing from being bound in this position for what seems like an eternity. He removes the soaked clothespins from her lips admiring his possession you have endured quote a bit and you are so red my sweet girl, let me see if I can sooth some of that for you he whispers as his tongue meets swollen clit and lavishes her sex in endless kisses. She feels the orgasm building up inside her and begins to silently beg her body not to cum just yet. He inserts his fingers inside, the torture becoming worse than anything she has endured over the last two hours. She cries out around the gag as much as she can letting him know she cannot hold on any longer and he silently signals her to let go which she does until she lies limp curled up in the fetal position.
After some soothing Master releases the cuffs and curls his slave under his shoulder with her head resting on his shoulder. He brings water to her mouth and tips the bottle to her lips and she gulps greedily, half of the water running down each side of her face.  Time passes as Master relaxes with his possession in his arms, the truly safest place in the world.
It’s 3 o clock baby he states and I’m hungry. I want you to make me something to eat and at 4 you’re going to the basement for a belt whipping on the pole.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Speaking of oneself in the third person

Things as usual have been busy and par for the course there has not been much time to write or comment although this slave promises she has been reading.

Life can be tough and just when things settled down a bit we learned of a sickness that has left us scared,  thinking about advance directives (albeit probably a bit over the top, but still) and what happens to my beautiful little girls if Mom is no longer able to care for them while sick form radiation or chemo treatments. My ex does not have what it takes to care for them, he cannot care for himself and they are young.

While we wait to hear exactly what is in store (it could be very minor or it could not) fear began to build. Will Master treat me differently, will he lighten up when one needs his control now more than anything, what will become of the dynamic we have been nurturing so very carefully since getting through some really tough times.

This morning was hectic with lateness. When this slave finally got in the car to go to work and had some alone time to really let things sink in the breakdown occurred as tears fell uncontrollably.

Barely pulling it together before walking into the office, slave filled her mind with the all the tasks that needed to be done at work and at home this evening.

The morning email from Master is waiting as usual. There are clear instructions of only referring to oneself in the third person from now on. There had been signs this was coming, many recent non-physical reminders of this slaves position as property. Instructions regarding restricted eye contact and speech that seem to keep one in a constant state of arousal. This new task will be hard although not as hard as some things ahead of of us. While one gets used to this change posts are sure to be a bit awkward but coming from a place of contentedness.

This was greatly needed today.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Watch that tone,....and your knee

If you read on Wednesday you know I was due for maintenance yesterday which I was quite looking forward to. When that maintenance turned into punishment, that quickly changed.

I always wonder how it must feel from the Spankers point of view when they are going to punish but yet up until that point everything is just fine. There is no anger, nothing out of the ordinary,  just two people hanging out doing what they need to do.

Anyway, I knew the time had come when Master got into his seated position and patted his lap. I did not see an implement anywhere and silently wondered if I was getting his hand but did not state anything of the sort. He explained that were were going to try something new and today he wanted me to count to help me focus. He asked if I thought I could do that and I told him I would try. He explained that he had an idea of the number he was going with and that if I did lose count he was starting from 0 so I should remember that while the punishment was happening. 

I took down my pants, climbed over Masters lap and rested my head on the other end of the of the seat. He brought his leg over mine letting me know I was going to be struggling a bit and started rubbing. I still did not see any implement in sight. He spoke to me softly about my tone and let me know he really wanted to see some changes in me, he asked me a few questions and after a while I just wanted to get it over with. As soon as the first hit landed I knew it was that big wooden spoon and although it took my breath away I very clearly stated "1 Sir". I was doing a really good job staying still as long as the contact was made to my buttocks but those really hard hits to thighs make me jump and I am not good at taking them. I beg shamelessly for him to not hit me there to no avail. Even with his leg over mine I got out of position. He stopped to readjust me and then asked me what number we were at and for the life of me I could not remember. I wracked my brain for the number but just was not sure....was it 49 or 59?

59....I took a chance. Yes, I got it right he told me as we resumed with the punishment. I was holding it together until another one of the nasty thigh hits landed hard on the same spot he had hit quite a few times. I jumped and turned violently and with that motioned I kneed him directly in the crotch by accident.Crap! I felt horrible.

Master took a moment to gain his composure (he did it very quickly too) and then finished at the count of 80. I was covered in sweat and breathing rapidly trying to recover. Usually Master makes me get right up, pull up my pants and sit on my bottom so I can really feel the sting but this time he let me lie still for a moment or two. Perhaps he was being kind because he knows how much I hate the spoon.

Then he said, OK baby this is for moving to much and kneeing me in the nuts and with that I received a rapid firing of hand smacks that were so hard and fast there was no way to count. That's when the flood gates opened and I started sobbing.
When all was finished I got dressed and curled myself up in his lap. I thanked him for the punishment as he smoothed my hair, held me in his arms and told me how much he loved me and all felt right with the world.

Master had gone very easy on me, and I was very grateful.

Oh sometimes I am so naive.

Later on that evening Master allowed me to touch him and eventually pleasure him. He reminded me of my little mishap earlier in the day. He kept my my mouth wrapped around him until every muscle in my neck, shoulder and back was killing me, there were indeed time when I just felt like I could not do it anymore. He allowed me to be still every 15 minutes or so as long as I kept him fully in my mouth before he started thrusting my head deep down his shaft signaling me to start again. Yes, I am starting to see the value in being still and I would imagine that was part of the point. I missed my wind down 2 hour TV block (which I usually only get on Thursdays) and my jaw still does not feel quite right today.

Master has told me to plan on spending a lot more time like that as he enjoyed himself immensely. In looking back, I think part of me have as well.
Have a good weekend.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Outbursts & Warnings

When things are good they are ....well good. I ask before doing, think before speaking, follow his lead and we go about our happy way. We are a vanilla couple in a Master/slave relationship. Two people going to work, running errands, cooking dinner, taking care of kids and falling asleep exhausted at the end of the day. From the outsiders eye you would probably only notice a few small odd things, things you might notice but not think much of. To our friends at times I am pretty sure it looks like he waits on my hand & foot. When the kids are busy at a cookout or party he wants me to use that time to relax and enjoy my friends; he often brings me a drink before my glass is empty or a plate of food before I have even thought about eating.

Sure enough though something eventually happens that causes some stress in the dynamic. It usually revolves around my busy schedule which Master hates. He makes a snide comment and I fly off the handle and the fighting begins. I stop addressing him properly and become a total smart ass (in this case I may have mentioned something about a temper tantrum). In turn Master plays into my behavior and gets nasty and before you know it, the little something is a big something and we both go to bed angry.

Obviously, I have not yet found the submissive way to handle this situation, I think he did however find a way to get me there. Instead of the back and forth and being snippy to each other he said only a few words to me:

You better start learning how to address me right now. That was not cute. My answer was not a tantrum. I strongly advise that you start correcting yourself right now and remember your place. Earned yourself exactly what you asked for.

I immediately answered "Yes Master" and the issue was over. I much prefer it this way and I think it shows much growth in our relationship. Even if today's maintenance is now going to be more of a type of punishment.

And no you don't want to know what I asked for. It was one thing to ask for it when I was in a play situation and not in trouble. It's going to hurt.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

The Twisted Loop

Sorry I have been away for so long, sometimes vanilla life just gets in the way and I have a hard time getting myself back to this place.

There has been a lot of growing dominance and submission around here and it has been great for both of us. Subtle changes that have big results, things that seem hard to get used to at first and then naturally fall into place.  Small liberties taken away and given back for good behavior, lots of humiliation to feed my soul, just what I need and want.

I am still a little short on time but did want to give you my thoughts on the twisted loop I posted about oh so long ago. Many of the comments about this implement put me on edge and I was starting to 2nd guess the purchase before it even arrived, but alas the delivery day came and I reluctantly opened the package.

At first glance I was not impressed, it looked rather small and not threatening at all. I had handed it to Master and after a few swings in the air he grinned that sadistic grin that always makes me squirm and started in on the front of my upper thighs as I sat in the chair across from him. Yeah, I still had clothes on and it stung like hell. I was quickly bare from the bottom down and over Masters lap as he warmed my bottom and thighs, there was a sting to it but I could tell Master was being light handed as he often is the first time we use an implement. Overall, I was feeling a little disappointed.

The second time using the loop was much more of a tear jerker. Master really caught some air before it landed and I was quite tender once we were done. The sting grows in intensity as you keep taking hits to the same spot and watch out if if that damn things wraps around to the front of your bare thigh.

Fast forward to yesterday, the first time using the wooden paddle since our little wood bet was over. I was soaked as I laid across Masters lap as he rubbed my bottom for what seemed like hours. The anticipation was driving me crazy as he whispered to me about how hard he was going to paddle me and how much he missed the large ground he could cover with it. The paddling began and I fought him terribly, it had been so long I truly forgot the pain caused by that thing, of course that only led to my thighs getting it even harder than my butt. I would calm for about 10 landings and then start squirming all over again. Finally Master reached his free hand around, grabbed the front of my neck and then thrust two fingers deep down my throat as he paddled away. I calmed my body, unable to swallow and fighting that gagging reflex as my drool dripped down my face. Master finished up and I relaxed as he withdrew he fingers so I was able to close my mouth. I laid there limply waiting for instruction to get up and that's when I heard it. The twisted loop swishing through the air in a rush to get to my backside. This is added for moving slave he bellowed and he laid into me like there was no tomorrow. I swore I was bleeding, it felt like a knife was cutting into me but I did not move an inch hoping it would gain me some sympathy. When Master was done I sank to my knees while he smoothed my hair. I laid my head in his lap (his jeans were soaked where I had dripped onto him) and thanked him for the release.

The twisted loop is wicked my friends, and I can't wait to feel it on other parts of my body. Definitely worth it if you love/hate sting and I hope it becomes one of our regular toys.

Friday, October 19, 2012

There has been a lot of progress going on over here and it has taken form in all sorts of ways. We have been talking, laughing, arguing, negotiating, crying (well that‘s been just me) and cuddling.
We have had some tough issues to get through and I have to say a lot of these could have been avoided if we had stepped into this a bit more slowly. Sure we were not strangers when we chose to go down this path and we dated for a while first but I don’t think Master really got to see how my everyday life works before we decided to have rules in place. I don’t think he fully understood the demands of raising 2 children of elementary school age on your own and as a result he wanted more than I could give. We have gotten through this and the more he can see of my nightly struggles routine the more he jumps in to help, and even demands to help when I try to do it all on my own. Accepting the help has been difficult for me and sometime requires correction but we are making progress there too.
I finally dealt with the big elephant in the room which was interactions with my ex. This was really tough for both of us and spanned over a few days. Some conversations heated and some not. Master just could not understand how something this big needed to be out of his realm of his control of me and for whatever reason I had a hard time expressing myself. But alas, I did and it all came down to trust (imagine that). I don’t like the relationship Master has with his ex, it’s riddled with anxiety and nastiness (not from him alone) and it’s not healthy. If I can avoid having that relationship with my ex I will. If the ex needs a favor and I can do that for him I will because he is the father of my children and while things did not work out for us, he is not a horrible person and he his hurt. I don’t trust Master to have an unbiased opinion in this situation and because of that it needs to come off the table. As you can imagine this was hard for him to hear, he fought me on it, said this was not a game, I don’t get to pick and choose what he controls. Finally when he really heard me (and saw the resolve on my face) he agreed but then he started coming up with these crazy specific situations that he would have control over and I just kept repeating “When it comes to the ex, we can discuss it and I will always listen to what you have to say because I value your opinion but the final decision is mine, there is no veto power here”. It took hours but he got it and although I am sure there will be some disagreements from this arrangement I am feeling much more secure in what we are doing here.
I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I feel more relaxed and eager to please him and in turn he has been more relaxed. Don’t get me wrong my rules are my rules and I am happy to have them but the tone of “us” has changed. Its’ the simple things that are making a huge difference. When he picks up the phone with that gruff “hello” and I respond “Hi Daddy” I hear his voice soften which in turn makes me want to address him they way he likes it even more. I used to get annoyed when he would constantly remind me to address him properly, but really wasn’t it up to me to address him properly in the first place. Yes it is and I will.  
I screwed up yesterday; I forgot my phone at home. I have a 45 minute commute and a very bad leak in my car that I have been putting off getting fixed. I was so disappointed with myself when I reached in my purse to make my daily on the way work call to him and realized I didn’t have it. I knew he would be stressing out about my safety when he did not get the call. I emailed him when I got to work and told him what happened, he was surprised I had forgotten and told me we would discuss it a lunch but then we went on to other things and he told me he loved me. I did receive a hairbrush (yeah, he broke out the wood for this repeated offense) punishment spanking at lunch that left me in tears but he held me close after until I was Ok and then proceeded to switch cars with me so I would not get stuck on the way home without a phone if the car craps out. Guess, whose car is also going in the shop tomorrow?
Last night, once we got the girls fed and settled I did not fight with Master when he insisted on doing the dishes. I sat on the floor and played with my girls like he so often encourages me to do. I struggled (internally) with it at first but I didn't pout and once I was with the girls I really enjoyed myself. I started getting really sore after sitting on the floor (that hairbrush can be brutal) and asked if I could change into sweatpants and take off my ankle brace. The smile I got along with his nod was priceless and it really felt like everything was as it should be.
I so often forget to ask permission for the smallest things even when informed the better I am the easier he will be on me and the more liberties I will earn.
Later that evening I was able to watch my favorite show at his feet as I instinctively massaged and licked his calves while he petted my hair. Even later that evening he rewarded me in many others ways. My bottom is not the only thing sore today.
Have a great weekend.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Wood Withdrawal? New implement

Yes folks, I am still in wood withdrawal and I have 20 more days to go. I did some research on our cane and it is actually made out of Rattan  so no reprieve there. I did get a nice bamboo caning yesterday but while it broke the tiniest part of the skin there was really no after effects so it did not quite cut it.

So to cure what ails me I purchased a new implement pictured above. It says the twisted delrin rods covered in paracord gives some awesome whipping action and delivers the pain and sting you need to give the bottom a real pain rush.

It should be here tomorrow. Has anybody used one these before? I'll let you know how I am doing after the weekend.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Writing lines

Yes folks, that is how I will be spending my free time (ha!) this week. It's not too bad only 50 each. the crazy thing I set myself up! He asked what I thought he would say I had to work on, he wanted 5 things so I gave them to him. The he gave me the sentences:

I will not be argumentative when Master makes a comment or decision, Master has the final say in all manners.

I will not be defiant when given a directive from Master. There is no room for defiance in our relationship and I will be punished accordingly.

I will be softer in my interactions with Master, as it is through my actions that I can show my Master my willingness to please and defer to him.

I will always listen to Master and think things through before answering Master when discussing an important issue. I cannot properly hear what Master is saying when tyring to speak over him or without giving myself time to think about what Master is saying.

I will do my best to remain calm when I become upset. My behavior is a direct reflection on Master as I am his owned slave.

How is this annoying but kind of exciting at the same time? It gives a girl something to think about for sure.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Well I thought I won the bet but …………………….

Daddy and I are both huge football fans. Our teams are rivals in the NFC East and we both have a great deal of fun making wagers and playfully ribbing each other on. Our teams have already played each other this season and before the game started Daddy asked if I cared to make a bet. Of course I did. I always think these wagers are a little one sided, I mean  Daddy can do whatever he wants to me whenever he feels like it but it’s still fun for me so I never point that out. I thought long and hard about what I would get if I won the bet and finally decided on no wood implements for a full month. Daddy hesitated a moment before agreeing and I could barely contain my excitement over the thought of no sorority paddle, brush or spatula spoon for a whole month. Yes I was sadly giving up the bamboo cane which I LOVE but I still felt that far outweighed the benefits of having the other three items out of his arsenal for a while.
My team won by the skin their teeth and so my month of wood free spankings began. Yay!
Many of you may remember the pretty severe belt whipping I received as punishment a few weeks back. It was horrible and the bruises just finally faded a few days ago. That particular punishment was delivered in the basement while I was bent over naked and grabbing a support pole in the middle of the room.  The reason for the punishment was not something I agreed with and we have been working on many issues since then BUT the thing is I can’t get that incident out of mind. I get aroused thinking about it and while I don’t want to be punished I have craved the instruction to visit the basement again ever since. This weekend I got my wish twice.
Daddy was the first to bring it up when he sent me an email telling me this weekend he was going to spank me with his belt and he wanted me on the pole or up against the wall. I replied by fessing up that I had been craving another visit to the pole even though I knew I would hate it at the time (not as much as punishment though since I knew it would not all be directed at my thighs as punishment often is).
Sunday we found ourselves with a short ten minute opportunity and I slowly walked down the stairs as instructed cursing myself for being such a damn spanko. Daddy took his role quite seriously and pushed me past the point of begging/crying for him to stop into quiet acceptance and when finished my bottom was a lovely warm temperature and my thighs were soaked. I was even lucky enough to get a few belt imprints left behind. We had to rush out to pick up children and as I knelt in front of Daddy he told me he would have liked to continue but knew we had to go. I had agreed I would have liked more as well and off we went.
Once back home I started cleaning and had consolidated some electrical cords so one extension cord was no longer needed. I wrapped it up and was getting ready to put it away when Daddy looked at me and asked me where that came from. I explained what I had done and while looking at the cord my damn curiosity got the best of me and I raised my eyebrow at Daddy while slapping the cord against my hand. Daddy reached out his hand for the cord and with the girls occupied we headed back downstairs.
Assume the position Daddy stated as he looped the thick cording in half and took a couple of practice swings so he could get a feel for how it would land. This is probably going to wrap around your body; I think you are going to be begging for a wooden implement shortly my slave Daddy says as the first blow lands in that very sensitive area where butt meets thigh. I was shocked by how heavy it the cord was and by how much it stung. Around the 7th strike which was to my back I jumped off the pole and into Daddy’s arms as I told him I changed my mind. He laughed at the audacity of my statement and calmed me a bit before bending me back over and guiding my hands back to grip the pole for support. I waited knowing damn well I would have been extremely disappointed if he had actually let me get up. With each blow of the electrical cord I moved shamelessly but managed to stay on that pole until I was hit squarely in between my legs. The sting down below was shocking and before even thinking I grabbed myself and knelt to the floor trying to manage the pain which actually subsided pretty quickly.
Get back in position Baby Girl, Daddy instructed and he began to run his fingers over the welts on my back and between my legs. I was extremely sore and yet wanted nothing more than his fingers to caress my soaked lips, the pain and pleasure mixing together, making me dizzy. Daddy withdrew his touch and started in with the cord again leaving me wishing that I had been restrained so it would be easier to keep still. Finally I found that calm space and started moaning as each strike landed on my body leaving me wanting the next one even more. I almost didn’t notice Daddy had stopped until I felt his grip in my hair bringing me to my knees so I could take him in my mouth. He held the back of my head as he thrust himself inside me over and over again leaving me breathless, gagging and struggling to keep my mouth open as much as possible.  I wanted so badly to taste him to feel his pleasure inside me and I fought him as I felt him lift me up by my hair and guide me back over to my original position. You are lucky you did such a good job coating my cock slave Daddy whispered in my ear as he simultaneously pulled my head back and thrust himself deep in between my ass cheeks enjoying the yelp of pain his penetration caused. He grabbed both hips allowing me to drop my head so he could continue to enter me full force until I was pushing myself back into him and begging for more never wanting this feeling to end. I could feel Daddy tense as he gave me one last thrust and emptied himself into me while holding my trembling body. I wish I could plug you right now slave he whispered into my ear as he pulled out and started nuzzling my neck. We held each other close for quite some time and then l I knelt before Daddy until we decided we had left the girls upstairs watching TV long enough.
Later that evening I looked over and playfully asked if I was still getting maintenance tomorrow (both hoping and knowing the answer was yes). Daddy gave me that devilish little smile as he answered You know it babygirl but I just don’t know what to use, are the only good hairbrushes for spanking made out of wood.
Yes, Daddy I replied but if you really want to use the hairbrush we can take that out of the bet (I told you I was a spanko right?)
No babygirl, I want you to get your 30 days without wood because on the 31st day you won’t be so used to it and you are getting every wooden implement we have.  It’s going to be a long day of great fun and maybe just maybe you’ll bet more wisely next time.
And now of course I can’t wait until the month is up…..and I am craving the wooden implements.  Go figure!

Friday, October 5, 2012

That’s not being a dominant

Yesterday we were sitting in the car talking and Daddy asked me about a little girl we drove to a sporting event as a favor last week.  
The girls seemed to get along well in the car last weekend; why doesn’t your daughter hang out with her anymore?
I explained that my daughter and this girl became very close friends two years ago in 2nd grade but after a while the friend started getting to possessive. Nobody else was allowed to play with or even talk to my daughter without this girl getting nasty to that other person and an argument with the girl trying to play with them would quickly ensue.  They would even push away my other daughter who is very close in age to my older daughter and they often have the same friends (that’s going to be fun when they start liking boys). She had to be touching my daughter and hanging all over her all the time to. Eventually nobody even tried to play with them anymore because they were so closely attached at the hip and closed off to anybody else. At first my daughter ate it up and she loved the attention. Her whole world revolved around only being with this friend, BUT after a while it was too much for my daughter and slowly but surely she wanted to talk to some of other friends and the friendship turned bad.
Daddy listened to me and then answered jokingly She must be a Dominant.
I took a minute to absorb the information then I answered That’s not being dominant, that’s being a suffocating ass.
Daddy didn’t say much after that.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Knowing what you want

Knowing what you want is one thing but asking for it can be tougher. Interestingly enough I did not have much trouble asking. Yes, this was a new relationship for me but we have known each other since we were just getting our driver’s licenses and to be honest he had loved me since then, even though I walked away many times.
I knew what I wanted and I asked for it. Pain, humiliation and control, those three words can entail a broad spectrum of activities that one can enjoy. Tie me up, whip me past the point where I have started begging, lead me on a leash and feed me food covered in your seed, have me sleep in a cage at your whim and once we have experienced that I am sure you can come up with some new fun ideas that will keep me guessing.
The more control I got, the more I craved. Wear this, not that, drink this not that, make sure I know where you are going before you go anywhere,  you will not have more than 3 drinks when you are not with me…..Yes Master as you wish. Oh this is fun; I am thriving under this type of control….but where does it stop. When is there a line crossed? I sure know when things are getting tough for me but how do I accurately relay that and not cause confusion on his end when he is testing the water as well.  I just don’t know.
I want you to control me but I want to tell you how to do it, well that’s not right. That would not make sense to anybody, but we did talk and I let it all out:  
I am only human, if you act like a jealous fool and make unnecessary snide immature comments guess what….I am going to act out and when I do act out as a result of your behavior I will not accept punishment for it. You have to master yourself before you can master me.
I have children and friends and a community I am active in, that is not going to change and I will not keep having the same argument over it. I love our time together and I want you with me but if it’s a weekend with your daughter and you think she may have a problem but you decide to come anyway, it’s not my issue. It’s not my fault and I will not be treated badly because she can’t play with a group, take her home instead of trying to find something I did wrong and try to drag me out of there. I will not miss friends birthdays or events because she is here, it is OK for us to do separate things every once in a while. I know how to take care of myself, I made it this far. Not every friend’s husband is out to slip something in my drink and have his way with me while my kids and his kids wife are running around in the background.  I understand you feel this will not be an issue when we live together BUT we don’t live together now and I care about now.   
I will not stand on the sidelines of sporting events or at the pool and sit on the phone the whole time. I want to watch my kids play and socialize. I will not accept punishment for not calling every two hours. I have kids and I work full time I am busy and they have needs that need to be met, if that means I can’t be a slave then so be it, getting annoyed about it is not going to change the situation and it makes me resentful.
It went on.
He listened, he nodded, he told me to watch my tone when I got a little too enthusiastic about it and yes I needed that. He apologized and told me he would work on it, he understood where I was coming from and he wants to earn my trust back and I want to give it to him.  I guess it will take time but I want to give it to him now but I can’t make myself without feeling it first.  
I always thought of limits in terms of pain & humiliation and to be honest I like to take those to extremes. I just never thought of having to put them in place when it came to everyday stuff, now I know.  

Thursday, September 27, 2012

“Good Girl” – Sometimes the smallest things is all it takes

Daddy came over last night to spend some time with the girls and me. It has been a crazy week so far and once leaving the house at 8 am on both Monday & Tuesday the girls and I returned home both nights for the first time after 8 pm. This is not great for younger elementary school children but not much you can do when it’s school related things. I hate that school continues to give out homework on back to school nights knowing that parents usually don’t get home from work until 5:30 or 6 and then have to be up at the school from 6 pm until 8:00 pm. It’s just a pet peeve of mine; I mean what 2nd grader can do their homework well at 8:30 at night?   
I was a bit relieved when he walked in the door as I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. He quickly stepped in to do the dinner dishes so I could get through the backpacks and start making lunches for the next day this was a big help because it was already after 7 and I really wanted the girls to get in bed early. (Since we moved into my parents I have to physically lie in bed with my daughter until she falls asleep so sending them up on their own does not work).  
Daddy has been reading a lot of blogs from different perspectives and I had noticed he was tightening up on a few things, not in an oppressive way, but in little subtle ways, things to help build submission. Things I am enjoying. Earlier I had asked him if could look at what he was reading and he had sent me some links that I had not yet looked at. While we were together in the kitchen he told me the first link he sent was really interesting to him because it was written by a submissive about how being called a “good girl” made her feel.  Daddy often calls me “good girl” when he observes me following a rule he knows is tough for me or when I am I am doing particularly well handling pain play.
A few months ago there had been times when I heard Daddy refer to other women as “good girl” and it bothered me a bit. I felt like that should be reserved for me and I told him how it made me feel; he understood completely and stopped. He even noticed he was doing it with our kids and apologized to me for that and made changes but really when he does it with the kids it does not bother me.   
When he brought up the term “good girl” the argument on Friday night came rushing back to me and to be frank I became angry. (Oh hell, I mine as well say it, I have been angry ever since)  You see during that time when Daddy was mad he purposely started using “good girl” with the kids, every chance he got. He had done it to be spiteful because he was upset with me and while I don’t usually get upset when he says that to any of our kids, I thought his reason for doing it that night was immature and not the way things should have been handled.
I calmly turned to look at him and quietly said after this weekend I am just not sure “good girl” holds any meaning to me anymore.
He looked at me closely and he looked really hurt which was not my intention but I just had to say something, something to let him know that I am not OK. I guess it was my way of reaching out.
Babe, you have not been the same since this weekend. You are quiet and distant and I need to know what’s going on, I feel like the past weekend had really out a dent in us.
Well it has Daddy. I feel like everything is unresolved that we still need to talk. I am very upset about it and I just can’t get past it. It’s not the punishment that I am focusing on so please don’t think it’s that, it’s everything that has happened prior to that. I feel like sometimes you set me up for failure.
I didn’t think it was resolved babe, I know we need to talk we just have not had time without the kids.
We had time for maintenance today
And then and only then did we really started talking

Thursday, September 20, 2012


There are all sorts of little ways Master can inflict pain on me at his whim. He has definitely learned to be pretty creative about it since there are often little ones and other family members cramping our style in close proximity.

It all started out innocently with a few hard pinches to my inner thigh when we were playing one night which got me pretty excited. It hurt but my pain threshold goes up significantly while playing or when I know there will be pleasure to follow. He dabbled with that for a while until one day at lunch. We were sitting in the car talking and out of the blue he reached over and started pinching the inside of my thigh, hard. Instinctively I put my hands down to shield myself from the onslaught. He looked at me in his domly way, firmly instructed me to move my hands and proceeded to pinch me to his hearts desire.....that of course got me a bit aroused even though there was no chance of play at that time, but it was not the pain that aroused me, it was that he had enough control over me that allowed him to do that when it hurt so bad. It was in that moment that I realized we were past the point of me needing physical restraints to endure, all I needed was his command.

Since that day, pinching has taken on a whole new meaning. If we are watching TV and the kids are there but he wants to see me squirm he'll repeatedly get me good on the forearm. If we are with my parents and my Mom starts in on some tangent that I am surely going to freak out over voice my opinion about to the detriment of our relationship he will pinch me so fiercely it takes everything I have to keep my expression from giving away how much pain I am in. The good side of that scenario is that it does keep me from getting punished for running off at the mouth when she is egging me on. I'm also likely to get a good pinch or two when we are saying goodbye and are going to be apart for more than a few hours and he is reminding me of expected behaviorsrs. I used to roll my eyes when he did this because I didn't feel I needed the reminders in the first place which I am sure is why the pinches were added on these occasions.

Then something happened, somebody asked why my arms were always bruised in the same place. I don't even remember how I answered but the pinching to the arms quickly changed to my back closer to the shoulder blade and other places. Which is just as effective, I hated it. 

Here's the kicker, I have been so conditioned to accept this pinching that now when we lay in bed at night to watch TV with the girls as soon as Master lays his hand on my body I want the pinch. I anticipate the pain and if he doesn't do it I get well.....a little disappointed, I want to scream "hurt me". It strange, I know but I crave it. I'll even present my body in a certain was so he  has good access and even though he never says anything I know he knows it.

Well last night we all sat down to watch the Season Finale of our favorite reality show. I threw my leg over his and he rested his hand on my inner thigh. Sure enough the pinching began. Hard vice grips pinches that knocked the wind out of me, causing my eyes to tear and wetness in other places. The pinching went on for at least an hour and not only was he pinching but he was grabbing the skin and twisting it. My thigh was so sore and I could see the subtle smile reach his eyes knowing the pain he was causing me. At one point I actually started whimpering and since the girls were both half asleep I managed to whisper how bad it hurt.

You remember your safeword, don't you?

Of course, I do Master but I'm not going to use it for a little pinching I answered all the while thinking and you know that damn well, especially since I have never used it before. 

Then I guess you haven't reached your limit.

Well I'm not going to get sick or be permanently harmed by it so you know I won't use it .

Exactly, your fine and your soaked, now go to bed, little one. I love you.

And with that, he kissed me on the forehead, tucked me in and off to dreamland I went.

And no I cannot cross my legs today and yet I am sure I will put myself in that same exact position tonight.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Maintenance by Cane

Yesterday was maintenance day and master had already let me know that this week all maintenance would be done via cane. Oh joy, something to look forward too.

We have had zero time alone and I don't see any in our near future so we would have to make due with parking at "our" place during lunch for maintenance sessions this week. Master picked me up from work and we chatted as he drove to the secluded spot, we held hands and talked about plans for this weekend the kids, work and things of that nature. Then he looked over at me and asked Are you prepared for what's coming little girl?

I am sure I made that pathetic face I always make when I know an intense session is coming and mumbled something about never truly being prepared for the cane. He stepped out of the car, opened the passenger side back door and pulled the cane out from under the back seat. Always prepared that man, I tell you. He patted the seat with it and I obediently climbed into the back so I could lay on my stomach as he stood outside the car. You can keep your underwear up today he said in a casual tone and I think I froze with shock and confusion, Maybe I should feel his head, perhaps he is not well, I refrained from asking why because I did not want to press my luck but I guess my stunned expression gave me away. Maintenance will be all on the thighs today, so just lay down and lift up your skirt and we'll be good to go. Why I foolishly asked not sure if I had done something to upset him. Because I feel like it,  you'll be fine, just lay down.

I laid across the back seat waiting for the first strike to fall on the back of my legs, I was worked up and I think shaking a little. Master took his time in between strikes. I am never sure which is easier to take; a series of quick strikes that are over and done with or a session like this one when he strikes hard but pauses in between. That pause can be brutal giving you time to really feel it but still knowing more are on the way. After a bout 10 strikes I found myself bucking up just a little and yes I was sobbing into the seat of the car. Master brought the cane down across both my checks and told me to be still, that my moving was annoying him. I calmed myself trying to mentally track how many strikes I had already received convincing myself it surely could not be much longer but when the next five landed in rapid succession the burning on the back of my legs was pretty intense and I turned on my side just a bit. Lay back down slave Master commanded gently. I am not sure what came over me but as I laid back flat on my stomach I reached my left hand back and grabbed Masters free hand for support. He squeezed my hand tight and rubbed his thim across my hand, whispering words of encouragement as he struck a few more times. Then he placed my hand back by my head so he could finish the job as I obediently laid still for the last of what was coming.  Finally I heard  him say OK you can get up now babe but instead I kind of curled up in a fetal position not really ready to move. He coaxed me up and into this arms and held, rocked and kissed me while I cried, telling me what a good girl I am and  how much he loves me. I thanked him for maintenance and crumbled into the safety of his arms. We sat and talked for the rest our lunch break (who needs food) and then he drove me back to the office. As we said goodbye he grabbed a fistful of my hair at the nape of my neck pulling my face under his and kissed me so deeply I wanted to melt into his body. As his lips departed from mine he held my head in place and firmly (but not painfully) gave me two quick face slaps on the right cheek and told me to be careful, to be a good girl, that he loved me and I should run along.

I floated through work the rest of my day, gently resting the back of my legs of my chair and making sure my dress was pulled down as low as possible since I could tell some of the welts were not to far above the back of my knee. I felt a sense of peace I had not really had in a while. I guess part of it was that the anticipation was over but knowing that I would be getting more of the same in less than 48 hours. Knowing that Master understands how much I crave to stay in that fully submissive/slavelike mindset even when I fight him on things.

I have an assigned mantra today: 

Anything you do should be approved by Master. Master can do anything he wants with and/or to you. You are owned by Master.

It's going to be a good day.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

The right fit

Finding the right fit can be tough. As we get older we hope that it gets easier, you know yourself better and what works and does not work well for you. Let’s take a pair of jeans for example; you go to the store having a general idea of what you are looking for.  You want something comfortable, something that gives you the right amount of support and that you can stay in for a long time. You want the jeans to make you feel good about yourself, you want the right fit.
When trying on the jeans, you only get a preview of how they will work for you and if satisfied you take them home and hope that they will become your favorite. The first time you wear the jeans, they usually are as expected (since you just tried them on) and you put them on and go about your day. But sometimes when you try the jeans on again they just don’t feel the same. There are all sorts of reasons this could be the case.
Perhaps you have been running around a lot, not taking good care of yourself; heck maybe even it’s that time of the month but whatever the reason all of sudden the jeans feel too tight, too binding like they are suffocating you and all you want to do is get them off. Sure, if you persist the fabric may stretch a little as the day goes on and give you a little breathing room, but at the end of the day the jeans are the jeans and they really don’t give you much leeway because they are what are they and you knew that when you bought them. In those time I find its best to see why the jeans just don’t feel right and reel myself in. Maybe I have been off track and I need to self reflect, start taking better care of myself and be more aware of my habits, surely if I do all those things the jeans will feel right soon.
Other times the same jeans may feel too loose, like they are not giving you the right amount of support.  You want them to fit you tighter, to hold you all in while at the same time giving you the freedom to be yourself and look your best. Perhaps you put them in the dryer to shrink them a bit, letting them know you need to feel them snug against your skin, but again they are what they are and while this may work for a while, you may need to put them in the dryer a second time to remind them of your needs.
The crazy thing about this is the jeans have not changed; they are just as you choose them and even though they are not always perfect they are yours and you love them. So I guess the best thing the wearer can do is accept them for what they are, your favorite jeans, and even though they don’t feel perfect today, you know they are always there when you need them and that is comforting and that is why you bought them in the first place, isn’t it?  

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Wonderful Weekend

Well it was a wonderful long weekend here in the US and for us it was a very good one indeed. If you have been reading you know we have been going through a bit of a rough patch trying to figure out how our dynamic is going to work for us. We talked last week and Master decided a few adjustments were necessary. This weekend we got to put all that aside which was nice.

My parents went away for the weekend so we had some alone time which was much needed. There is so much to write about I think I will post about it one day at a time. I want to write about the playtime but the regular stuff with the girls was awesome too and there was a surprise 40th birthday party thrown in there as well which of course made me grateful for all the wonderful friends I have. Friday was a regular work day for me and I headed home in the afternoon to collect my girls from different friend’s houses. I stopped by the ex's place to let out the family dog and when I got home Master was waiting for just about 2 minutes so it was perfect.

So much of our time is spent apart and working around schedules (mostly mine) that I forgot how relaxed Master really is as long as we are together. We just hung out with the girls and played and talked until it was time to get them ready for bed. We put them to bed together and laid in their room with them (which is also my room) until they fell asleep. Once we were sure they were fully asleep we were happy to have some time to play. Master whispered that he wanted to spank me first and suggested we go downstairs so not to make too much noise in the spare bedroom right next to them.

I felt goose bumps as we walked downstairs since it really had felt like forever since I was getting spanked for fun. I watched him take off his belt, sit on the coach and pat his lap. I obediently bared myself and laid across his lap for the most delightful whipping across my bottom and thighs. It was long and hard and we eventually stopped because we heard some nonexistent noise and then headed upstairs. Master told me to stand and wait as we entered the room. I stood there naked looking straight ahead, hands behind my back just as he prefers. I could hear him moving around behind me and then he brushed up against my back and slipped and fastened a choke chain collar around my neck. This was new for us and I remember my whole demeanor changing because of it; Master later told me he felt it too. He moved in front of me and gave me a long passionate kiss as he rolled my right nipple between his fingers getting it prepared to be clamped. Once both clamps were on to his satisfaction Master kissed me again as he took a nipple/clamp in each hand and twisted them in opposite directions. I had to fight to keep my hands behind my back but that was quickly remedied as I was instructed to lace my hands behind my head so he could cuff them together and attach them to the back of my collar. I quickly realized I was not going to be able to fidget too much if I wanted to keep my neck in any sort of comfortable position and I was soaked.

I lay down on my stomach as instructed and Master lavished me in caresses that had me going crazy. He would slip his fingers inside me bringing me close to the edge only to pull out and spank my lips until tears welled up in my eyes and then he would start all over again. I whimpered when at last I felt his weight lift off of me. I had expected and desperately wanted to feel him inside me but instead the next sensation I felt was the bite of the flogger on my back.  For a minute I started to panic, Master made it from a leather jacket we were going to throw out, each strand braided and tied in thick knots at the end. I did not think I was going to be able to adjust to the intense sting but eventually I felt my body lifting up to meet the blows as Master told me what a good girl I was, every inch of my back, butt and legs burning from the impact.

You feeling OK little girl? Master asked as he once again got off the bed to find his next implement of torture. I was too wrapped up in my own head space to answer with more than a moan until I felt an intense sting across my backside that hurt like crazy and surely broke the skin.  It was thinner than a cane and made this crazy sound while being swung through the air. I cried out in agony each time I felt the lash across my butt or back but yet whenever Master checked me below my body told him I was doing just fine. (It turned out to be a long TV antenna…..ouch)

I was soon flipped over with Master on top of me. I was arching my body to his, needing him so bad but he had other plans. I begged for him to enter me but instead he slid his lips down my body to suck up my juices, my body convulsing into his touch. He played with me like that for a very long time, leaving me begging as he reached up every so often to give me a slap on the cheek. Finally he gave me permission to let go and I did again, again and again.

Master yanked me off the bed by my collar and placed me on my knees in front of him so he could have his way with my mouth. I wanted the use of my hands so badly but I also loved the helplessness of him gagging me and pulling out enough to let me breathe when he felt like it. I wanted to taste him and when he tried to pull out further I thrust my head forward in protest. Master was having none of that as he lifted me back onto the bed and thrust himself deep inside me over and over again. Do you want your hands free he whispered in my ear and I nodded as best I could without pulling that collar tighter around my neck. Then ask he told me in that voice that send shivers down my spine.

Will you please uncuff my hands Daddy, I want to touch you so badly I managed to get out between ragged breathes. I love you so much slave, he answered as he pushed himself so deep inside me I screamed out from the mixture of pain and pleasure. Master did let my hands free so we could hold each other until we finished our first play session of the evening. It was a wonderfully long night.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Not Feeling it - Part II

First I would like to thank you all for your comments on yesterdays post. I must admit I felt a mixture of emotions when reading them from vindicated to "oh Sir is not so bad, I painted him in a bad light". The latter of those emotions pretty much went right out the window each time I re-read his email.

I took some time to calm down and sent him back an email apologizing for disappointing him but also letting him know I was overwhelmed and  that I was starting to feel like we never just have a regular conversation any more, like it’s just too much "in my face" all the time. He immediately responded that he understood, he appreciated me telling him and we should talk in person. He picked me up for lunch and I really did not know what to expect when I got in the car. He kissed me hello and immediately held my hand and before we pulled away asked me if I wanted to talk now or if we should go on with maintenance as we usually do. I froze. I couldn't believe he was giving me the decision to make and I just sat there blankly.

"Look at me" he stated and when I did I could tell he was hurting. "Let's talk" I answered although a big part of me really just wanted to be spanked and avoid the whole situation. We parked under a tree and he waited for me to start but I just could not bring myself to do it. "You have to talk to me kitty, open forum; you won't get in any trouble for anything said here today".

I took a deep breath and let it all out. The phone stuff was too much, I am not going to be the Mom that walks in the door, sees her kid for the first time in 8 hours and gets on the phone. I also don't need every conversation to be about what I should and should not be doing, I am fully aware of what we are, what the rules are and when he is constantly in my face about it I don't want to listen to him. If I go to the pool for a few hours and I am with other mom's I am not going to be standing there on the phone the whole time, I actually thought that it was ridiculous. (As I started talking I really just let it all out). I mentioned that he brought up how wild I was in high school a few times and he felt the need to check on me and how much that pissed me off, I just turned 40 this past weekend for pete's sake, if he is worried about that then obviously he hasn't gotten to know me at all over the last year. I also let him know what I thought of his email.

We sat there in silence for a while, he kept grabbing my hand and without even realizing it I kept pulling it away under the rouse of adjusting my body in the seat. He also had to keep reminding me to look at him and I was really having a hard time with that. 

Then he spoke to me about him just doing what he thought he was supposed to be doing because of his role. That he knows how much I crave control and he was just trying to deliver and that when we lived together he would be able to ease up because he would know what I was doing all the time. I interrupted long enough to tell him that we had a long while before that would be the case and if things kept up like this it is was never going to happen. I also told him the kid’s relationship with their dad is a hard limit and I will make all decisions when it comes to that for now on.

He agreed to ease up, he still wants to know where I am at all times but he will stop smothering me. If I am going somewhere with the kids and he knows where I am going to be I don't have to check in. He will trust me more. That he loves me and he wants us both to be happy.

The crazy thing is I kind of freaked out (internally)....What if I just really screwed up? What if he backs off to much? We were supposed to go over revised rules and terms this weekend what if he is too worried about losing me to do that now?

I am getting what I want and I am upset????????????????????

He sensed something was still wrong...."Kitty you have to talk to me - we need to start having these open discussions at least once a week, so you can tell me how you are feeling. I told him my fears, that while I didn't love all the rules, I don't want that part to change. I'm fine with the control of clothes, food, leaving the house, seeing friends (although I would like a little more leniency on that end) all of those things. He understood and assured me it wouldn't change but then also suggested I look over the terms he was planning on giving me this weekend so we could talk about it first. This was a shock because usually with him it's just too bad that's what it is.

Then he asked me if he was spanking me too much. I almost choked on my own saliva. I looked back up at him and told him that was not a decision I wanted any part of. It was too general of a question that I just could not answer. He told me he does not like spanking me every day but he does like the results had been getting before things got weird this last week. We never really came to any determination there.

Moving forward we have the next 3 nights together with my parents gone. I am looking forward to running the girls around together all weekend, cooking and visiting with some friends. The promise of both painful & pleasurable play has been made and I think for us it could not have come at a better time.

Thank you again for all your support, I promise to keep you posted (pun intended) on the new guidelines after I have looked them over and wrap my head around it all. I also owe you a fun post about a caning that did not quite go as Master had planned.

Have a great weekend,

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Not feeling it

Finally all the birthdays are over and too be honest I could not be happier. When my 2nd child was born I thought "how cute, all three of our birthdays are within 12 days of each other" but now that they are older and I have to plan two parties and then again celebrate on the actual day and somehow try to enjoy my own birthday in there and get ready for the kids to go back to school, well it's just a lot. So now I can take a big sigh of relief and try to deal with other issues at hand.

The biggest issue at hand right now is my mindset. I am just not feeling submission flowing through me as I usually do. I feel like I am failing in many ways and I am at the point where I just don't care and I want some space. I am only seeing things from my point of view which is the exact opposite if what I am supposed to be doing. I feel like we never have a "normal" conversation anymore, it's always about do this, do that, check in with me every 2 hours.  I feel like screaming, really check in with you every two hours, you realize I am just getting home to my kids who have not seen me all day and I would like to take them to the pool and actually talk to them for a little bit as well as some of my girlfriends without having to make a phone call for few hours. Do you realize that we have been emailing each other all day, which is seriously interrupting my work and that we also had lunch together and that you have actually had more of my attention than anything or anyone else already today. Do you realize that all you have to do is go to work and go home but when I get home my day is not even half way over?

Maintenance was horrible earlier this week. Monday he broke out the sorority paddle and I did not handle it well. I moved a lot and I begged him to stop which really pissed him off. The fact of the matter was it hurt (of course) and I just really did not feel like being spanked. It did nothing for my mindset; instead I was bitter and pissed off about it. Tuesday I was determined to fix it, to handle maintenance better but I didn't, he used the paddle again and I asked for a minute to process the pain which caused him to stop dead in his tracks and he just left me there crying for a bit. He started back up with the thick flat spatula spoon that I despise more than anything else and I twisted and turned while he finished up. I did feel a little better after that, almost like everything was OK. He halfheartedly held me after and it adjusted my attitude some but it just was not exactly the same.

Yesterday I took the day off for my daughter’s birthday. She went to school but I had to wait to until the last minute to shop because I had no money until I got paid that morning. I got them on the bus; I called before I left for the mall which is a 1/2 hour away. I shopped and I called when I left the mall. I got back home by 11:45 which gave me less than an hour to get all the wrapping done before I had to go eat lunch with my daughter at 1 pm. I got the wrapping done in the nick of time and left for the school; I called. I ate lunch with my daughter and then rushed up to the bank to meet with the outgoing PTA President to get my name on the account as the new President, when finished I called. I ran to the grocery to pick up cupcakes so my daughter could bring them to Field Hockey Practice for her b-day and made it back to the house about 15 minutes before the bus would drop off the girls. I wanted to unload the groceries and bring the girls bikes down to the bus stop since for once I was going to be able to let them do that since I was home when they got off the bus. I heard the phone ringing while all of this was going but just felt too rushed to stop. I knew this would be an issue. I finished and returned the call but said I really had to go to the bus stop and we hung up. He did not sound happy.

The girls came home and we did after school stuff, I got some laundry done and called him again. At 6:45 my ex came over and my daughter opened gifts with us and my parents and the ex left by 7:30. The birthday girl was a wreck before my ex even left. She was crying because she wanted to see Sir on her birthday instead of her Dad, then she got in a huge fight with my dad which has been a pretty common occurence lately (did I tell you how much I hate living with my parents, I swear its like they totally forgot what's its like to have a 7 & 9 year old). It took me forever to get everybody calmed down and in bed; once I did -  I called (are you seeing a pattern here). Sir was in a bad mood because he was missing my daughter on her birthday. To be honest I just did not want to hear it and I was very quiet, I need to try and fix her relationship with her dad even if it's his fault. At the end of the day I was the one who left the marriage and my ex was devastated and he misses the girls that he stayed home and raised while I was at work (not because we could afford it but because he was lazy). As far as I am concerned the ex gets priority on coming to things that involve my children. He may not show up all the time but when he does my girls are ususally happy to see him. Maybe once the divorce is final we can all be at things together but right now it is just not possible.

Anyway, Sir was going to take a shower and wanted me to call back at 10:30. Guess what, I made lunches for the next day and feel asleep.

Here is the email I go this morning:

Its 11:30pm. Thank you for the call. I really thought u would at least try to call. You have not been yourself this week my lil girl, not at all. Concerned and disappointed about you being my slave.

I am not looking forward to lunch/maintenance today.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012


This has come up before my friends and I am always at a loss on how I should handle the situation so I felt the need to post about it today, even if it might be a little confusing since I have not fully thought it out.

Master and I have disagreements, it happens with every relationship. The issue is that now that we have established this dynamic I really don't know how to handle it.

Last night the disagreement was over something very small.   I had forgotten about an annual big deal kid event at our pool that just so happens to be on a night we had plans. It really sucks because since I left my ex I have been living with my parents while still paying all the bills for my ex who has never really been able to take care of himself and he is living in our family home for free. My parents will be out of town so we had the house to ourselves once the kids went to bed. Master said something about this messing up our plans, I answered back that I could not have the girls miss the back to school pool party. None of this was done in any sort of yelling tone but after that Master lost his cool. He raised his voice about him not saying the girls had to miss the event and I always jump to that conclusion and on and on he went. In reality he was probably somewhat right but I did not like that he was yelling at me. I wanted to get off the phone and permission was denied so  instead I clammed up which really pissed him off. Then he told me I was in a bad mood which aggravated me further since he was the one that started yelling. Eventually he realized keeping me on the phone when I shut down was pointless and he let me get off but he was very nasty in the process.

I'll be honest, I wanted to scream right back. I felt he was being unreasonable and in attempt to keep myself from getting punished I just stopped talking....well maybe I should have stopped a bit sooner than I did but I did not raise my voice which is huge progress.

He sent me an email this morning apologizing for yelling at me but then went on to tell me how I should have responded. Can somebody out there please remind me that I am a slave and this is how it works because I'm not feeling it right now. I did respond by saying We should probably talk about this more later because I didn't react to your yelling anyway at all that should have upset you and I stand by that and I really don't see my opinion of that changing no matter how its handled. Meaning I think its a bunch of BS if I get punished for this. 

We agreed to talk later and everything has been fine since then but I still feel like I don't know how to disagree anymore. I mean when two people disagree and one person has the upper hand there will always be a way for them to tell you how you should have handled something especially when they are annoyed.

I guess I am looking for advice since it does come up a lot with kid issues. Master is a great Dad but he has little girl on the weekends only and he often makes suggestions or comments about how to handle my two when in reality he has no idea what its like to be "on" all the time, much less how different 1 vs 2 children is. To have sports, and school, and shopping and to get home from work at 6 and go to 2 different practices at 2 different locations, one of  the practices at which I am coaching and then do homework and think about lunch the next day and get the kids to bed on time and to then hear his disapproval when they have not showered every night. I admit sometimes when it comes to kids I am make snap comments, I may have corrected my tone but the comments still piss him off.

I guess some part of me does not know how to be a slave and still be annoyed at the same time, it is confusing and I don't like it.

Friday, August 17, 2012

The Belt

Watching the belt slip out of his pant loops stirs emotions in me....anticipation, excitement, need with a dash of fear. It's like nothing esle.

I am naked standing in the middle of the room, watching, waiting.

"Bend over and grab you ankles"

I am not in trouble, that is not what this is. I comply and he begins and its good and it hurts. Eventually I beg for it to stop which I never quite understand because this is what I like. The tears are acceptable but the begging is not and it causes him to move down to the back of my thighs until I can bring myself to stop. I quiet down and remain in position and eventually the strikes come back to my ass, which now feels so much more bearable.

He turns me to face him and places a hand on each shoulder to bring me down to my knees and I want and need him in my mouth but I must wait. Please Sir I beg and the room is swirling a bit. He slides himself into my mouth and thrusts and controls and I open myself to him. It's something hard to explain but it's almost like becoming a marionette puppet for him to move as he chooses, its heaven. The belt brings me back to now as I feel it land on my upper back, the strikes sting so sweetly again and again.I vaguely think about odd things as I gag and my throat and back starts to sting as much as my backside and thighs...... I want it to be harder, how will I wear a bathing suit, I am drooling too much, I am dizzy, please don't throw up....but all these thoughts are fleeting and blurry and I really don't care about any of it.

He pulls himself out of my mouth and I manage to cry out in protest and then realize he is pulling me up by the belt which is somehow now looped around my neck and being used as a leash. There are deep kisses and touching and control that I am unable to give details about. My memory is like little flashes....begging, moaning, pinching, on all fours, standing back up, bent down to grab my ankles......all maneuvered by that belt around my neck. There is his hand on my cheek, maybe slapping my face but I don't know for sure. All to soon the belt has been removed from my neck and I miss it but it soon warms my bottom again until he is ready to fully possess me and fill me with this warmth.

Mmmmm, the belt.

Friday, July 27, 2012


Yes folks, that's what I have been! Overwhelmed by work, the kids and all their activities, money, the ex, and all the volunteer gigs I signed up for before realizing I was actually going to get up enough courage to realize what I want and for the time being be a single mom.

I apologize for my lack of blogging and commenting, please know I have missed you all immensely. Thank you to FA of Fondlers Anonymous for her shout out on the Lovely blogger award and I will be sure to participate when I get back from vacation next week which incidentally is also stressing me out. I have so much to do before then and I will be away from Master for a week which is unsettling to say the least.

Now I have a confession to make, all this stress has caused me to act out a bit. I have been mouthy and distant and getting spanked everyday which seems to only calm me down for about 6 hours until I am right back to where I started. The fact that this has been the case is very unsettling. As some of you may already know I have pretty strict guidelines so my acting out may not have been bad by other standards but for us it has been unacceptable and frustrating to us both. This morning was no better and when I got to work I had the following email which was a response to a comment I made about getting a ride home from a friend if Master had to leave an upcoming cook out at my Best Friends house early since his daughter never wants to stay out as last as the rest of us:

You rebellious attitude will be dealt with accordingly.

With statements like the one you made about just leaving u behind when you are drunk, is a violation of rules given on the night of June 2nd. I stated that if you are not ok to drive after having permission to be out, I would come get you to assure your safety home. You WILL have more pro-active thinking about that in the future.
For example, you could've said,"If she needs to go home then will you come back make sure I get home safely Master?"

You must come to understand that I have to and want to assure your safety at all times and I do what I can within the circumstances of the relationship situation we are in. I love and care for you immensely my Slave.
Statements like that in the future will be dealt with corner time, cage time, list writing and/or the belt.
Understood Slave?

I feel better now, I think that may be just what I needed.

I promise to more actively post and email when I get back. I sure hope a week at the beach with the kids gets me out of this funk. Wish me luck.


Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Deepening Submission

Last night Master and I found ourselves in a odd situation. Older daughter at a sleepover and younger daughter at her Dad's. You have to love it when you get those surprise nights alone. I called and politely requested he get his butt over to my house. We were both tired from work and he suggested we watch one of the Underworld movies which I have not yet seen. I thought this sounded wonderful since I have not watched any movie that did not involve talking animals, princesses or little blue talking people in quite some time.

We settled onto the bed and started watching the movie which he has seen about 12 times. If you have never watched any of these movies they are of the kind that requires you to really pay attention to each and every word to get what is going on. Shouldn't be a problem, right?

Except that as the movie started Master placed his hand around the front of my neck and left it there while we watched. From the moment his hand went around my neck I went into deep submission mode. The longer we watched in that position the more I felt it. Every once in while he would gently run his thumb up and down the side of my neck but at other times he would tighten his hand around my throat and then release pressure when he felt like it. With each tightening of his hand I could feel the clenching of muscles and I am sure my slight movements didn't go unnoticed.

We had been watching the movie for about 40 minutes, me asking a question once in a while since I could not really concentrate. He explained what was going on, happy that I was enjoying the movie since it is one of his favorites. I wanted him to touch me so badly I could not contain myself.

We watched a little longer in silence until he released my neck an started rubbing my lower abdomen. My neck was covered in sweat from his hand being placed there for so long and my throat was still a little sore from pleasuring him earlier in the day after our maintenance session. I moaned in pleasure and whispered to him how wet I was. Master slipped his hand under the elastic of my panties to see for himself, gliding his fingers inside me as I bucked a bit eager to feel penetration. As Masters fingers entered me I sighed in relief, needing release so bad and anxious for his attention. Much to my disappointment after scooping up enough of my juices to get a handful he removed his fingers so he could suckle my taste off of them. Please Master I whispered in desperation, not really sure if he would comply.

You liked my hand on your throat like that. 

Yes Sir


I like to feel your control (He knows this already but he wants to hear me say it)

What exactly do you like

Total Control

He smiled at me and brought his hand to my opening again, he held my legs apart as he played, licked and sucked allowing me to come over and over and over again. Every time I would start to relax he would bring me back up and I know at some point I was begging for him to stop. He finally settled back down on the bed and I rolled onto my side to spoon against his body while I tried to catch my breath. He starting slipping his fingers in me again from behind and I reached around to grab at him, gasping at the feel of his hardness.He removed his clothing as I inched down to his midsection to take him in my mouth only spending a few minutes there before coming back up wanting to straddle him. I looked at him silently seeking permission and climbed on top once the signal I was looking for was granted. He directed me with his hands on my hips as we stared into each others eyes, each groaning as he deeply thrust his himself into me. We both climaxed together and then I collapsed in his arms as the movie ended.

I realized as we laid there that we really very rarely have relationships like that without some sort of pain factor. I have to say I thoroughly enjoy the mindset the pain puts me in during play (and sometimes it's just a hit of pain when we are not playing) and would not want to give up that part of our dynamic for the world but sometimes it is nice not to be so on edge, to relax and feel the total pleasure without wondering when the next slap, pinch or bite is going to sear through your body.

That hand on my throat was so significant, it put me where I needed and wanted to be without needing or wanting pain and he knew it along.

I wonder when I will ever get a chance to try and watch that move again.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Spot Checks

Maybe its because I have been behaving so well lately that Master feels the need to catch me in something devious so that he can dish out a little punishment. I am not quite convinced this is necessary since I am getting my reminder spanking every other day. Master assures me this is why I have not been punished in almost 2 weeks (I believe that is a record my friends), he swears the reminders keep me in line.

As many of you may recall we had some phone issues early on when the beginner level rules were being introduced. I wrote a bit about it here in the Do you have your Phone post and assure you I was spanked quite a few times for not having the phone charged and with me when I should have. Well the phone has been a non-issue for a while and I have to admit I find myself with it in my hand just in case he calls more than I care to admit. I mean I can still here it if it is next to me on the chair at the pool.

Anyway, some of the rules were elaborated on quite recently and Master needs to know where I am and be able to get in touch with me at all times and I mean ALL times. I was working at my desk and decided it was time for a smoke break (I know terrible habit  picked up as a teen) so I sent him a quick email to let him know what I was doing, grabbed my stuff and headed outside the building. I was outside about a minute when my cell phone rang and take a wild guess who it was.

Master does not usually call my cell phone during the day and at that point what he was doing had not yet really sunk in. I answered the phone and asked what was up.

Are you outside? 


Were you talking on the phone?


But you brought the phone with you. (Chuckling)

Yes, you told me not to go outside with out the phone (Duh - Ok I didn't say that but I really wanted to)

I know, I was just spot checking you slave, you are such a good girl, I love you 

I can't believe you called just for that (laughing & shaking my head)

Well I did and I will be checking on you a lot more, I have to go back to work, see you at lunch, I love you.

I love you too, Sir, See you soon.

That man is too much.