The Beginning

There are so many wonderful blogs I have read and kept up with that gave me the strength to become comfortable with who I am. I would have liked to follow many from the beginning of the journey and that being the case I thought I should start mine from just that....the beginning. It took me a long time to get here but I am excited for what the future holds.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Take my breath away...literally

Since recovering from my surgery a lot of our extracurricular activities had to be put on hold. Of course there is always Dominance and Submission because that's who we are but maintenance, discipline and  play all needed to either be put on hold altogether or adjusted to fit the current circumstance. Yes, Master has still been able to fist my hair and pinch my thighs and there were a few careful spankings thrown in the mix but well it has just been different.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

The other night we were cuddled in bed with my youngest daughter watching a kid movie. She was totally into what she was watching and was not paying any attention to us whatsoever. It felt great to be snuggled all into my Daddy's body as he held my throat while we watched TV. As per usual when we are lying together my gaze left the screen to stare at his features. This is something this slave could be content doing for hours and always brings with it a great sense of admiration, love and worship. Sometimes Daddy will ask what one is doing but others he doesn't acknowledge the staring which allows one to continue to her hearts content.

This evening though Daddy chose to move his hand from my throat and clasp my mouth shut while he used his other hand to pinch my nose. It was so sudden there was not time to even think about taking a deep breath of air first and eventually slaves body & brain started to involuntarily panic. It's such a weird sensation because there is nothing this man would do to ever hurt his girl in a "bad" way and yet the panic set in. Of course along with that panic came some other bodily reactions which left slave needing to change her bottoms once the movie was over.

Daddy continued to allow her to breathe and then cover her up several times throughout the evening. Sometimes it would be long enough that her head would start shaking side to side ever so slightly while struggling for air (but not enough for my daughter to realize we were not exactly watching the movie). Each time he held her head in a position so that we were making direct eye contact and it was apparent the panic and begging with my eyes was affecting him as well.

As slave snuggled even closer into Daddy panting and paying close attention to his movements in an attempt to figure out when to take the last big gulp of air before he grasped her again he whispered in her ear "I control that too" and it was music to this slaves ears.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Peaceful Bear

Recovery time from the recent surgery is six weeks without work and two weeks without driving. Since one is always on the go this situation is not a happy one. Valentines Day fell one full week after the surgery and this slave has not been out of the house since. Prior to the surgery parent-teacher conferences were scheduled for that evening with the understanding that they may get cancelled depending on the healing progress. Things are going well so we decided to make a go of it.

The girls wanted to go out to eat after and really it seemed like a great idea since there were no Valentines presents for them this year due to Moms lack of mobility. The plan was for Daddy to drive over straight from work to take us to the school. We had texted during they day and even though Daddy was not feeling well he was fine with going out after. It seemed he just knew one was going a bit stir crazy so he agreed.

 Daddy arrived with gifts for the girls and a very sweet card for me and off to the school we went. Once done we headed out to the packed restaurant as planned. As we were waiting for our table a bit of pain and some weariness set in and the attitude kicked in a bit. Daddy told me to sit and a quick no was shot back in response without much of a thought. Daddy's demeanor changed a bit and in return my attitude straightened up by the time we were seated. Once we got settled and the meals were ordered it was noted how sick Daddy really was. His eyes were glassy, his nose was runny he had the cold sweats and he looked exhausted.

As we sat there it dawned on slave how easy it would have been for Daddy to go home from work and rest. He lives very close to his work but the drive to us is at least 1/2 hour and he spent his lunch break shopping for the girls.

As we were finishing things up Daddy said he needed to run in to one of the stores within walking distance and he would meet us at the specialty desert place next door that the girls wanted to hit.

Daddy met back up with us and we both were looking pretty worn out by the time we convinced the girls to get lids and bring the rest home. Daddy opened the passenger door and as he was helping slave climb into her seat (the fresh stomach incision making that tough right now) she noticed the tye-dye peaceful bear pillow pet sitting on her seat. The very pillow pet slaved coveted for herself when shopping for the kids at Christmas but felt it was too frivolous of a purchase.

The squeals of delight coming from slave and the girls (who were in on it the whole time) put a big smile on Daddy's face which remained there as slave cuddled the pillow the whole way home.

Once back home Daddy walked us all in and said goodnight to the girls. Slave got some Benadryl for Daddy and walked him to the door wishing a long kiss was possible but knowing she absolutely cannot get sick since she is already not in good health. Embracing her tightly he whispered in slaves ear ever so softly "you openly disobeyed me by saying no in the restaurant little one. I may not be able to spank you right now but I'm keeping a list and there are other says to ensure you remember your place." And with that Daddy kissed his quivering slave, told her he loved her and to make sure she locked up and walked away.

Who would have known one could get so wet so soon after having a hysterectomy.

Slave slept peacefully on her pillow pet and vowed to herself she would ask Daddy to spray it with his cologne the next time he is here.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

The Fallout

The morning after the big confession we slept late. Once the girls were settled in and a bit of coffee had been consumed it was time to give Daddy a call and see just how much reading he had gotten through. Since it was later in the morning he had informed me he had read quite a bit. Daddy's tone was neutral and we spoke about the content of the blog. He mentioned the writing being a little one sided (which of course it would be) and that the tones of the posts were a bit bolder than when we had discussed things in person. This was surprising to hear, one never felt meek during those heated discussions and she was certainly punished for it on more than one occasion. The most important thing he noted was that he could read the love felt for him in the writing. He advised he would like to see less detail of our more personal moments, which of course is not a problem, and we moved on to other subjects.

It was Super bowl Sunday so we had plans to go to a friends house to watch the game. We firmed up our plans to meet later in the day before hanging up. Daddy still had a lot more reading to do and because we would be out late the kids needed to be totally ready for school the next morning before we went out.

The text came in a little later that afternoon and it was not good. It was in regards to a post written back in February of last year, a time that was riddled with guilt over splitting up my existing family. Many of you were with me during that period but you can also read about it here. It was not too long (2 1/2 months) after the girls and I moved out of the "family home" and both my ex and my youngest daughter were devastated by my choices and wishing that things would work out. Things with Daddy were up and down as well and the feeling of being pulled in a million different directions was prevalent. There was many sleepless nights spent pondering if the right decisions were being made and if judgments were being clouded by these new cravings for dominance and a male led relationship. Daddy's habit of being really close to me and then backing off was not helping either, but he was dealing with all the crazy emotions of this as well, wanting more but not being able to have it just yet.

It was during this time when dropping off one of the girls instead of pushing the crying ex away from me he was allowed to lean in for a kiss before leaving. The kiss maybe lasted 2 seconds but it happened nonetheless. The decision was regretted as soon as it was made and one left not to think much of it after it happened.

Daddy, however, just finding out about it for the first time thought quite a bit about it. The hurt came through quite clearly in his texts as he pointed out that this was lying and cheating and something he could never forgive. To be honest it was a post that had been forgotten about. It was something that should have been discussed up front and not read by Daddy when we were apart. Daddy is big on using texts when we have disagreements which drives one crazy. After trying to call him several times with no answer it appeared texting back was the only thing one could do. The back and forth began. There was begging to talk on the phone but he refused. There were attempted explanations of what one was going through at the time that were unaccepted. Daddy was adamant cheating was cheating, lying was lying and any little bit of trust that was left after finding out about the blog was gone. Half the day was spent crying and begging via text. At some point anger set in and further attempts at making it better seemed futile. Disbelief that is was over just like that started setting it and slave just became quiet.  

A few hours later we were each a bit calmed and were able to talk. Daddy was willing to talk about it but if he broke his cardinal rule of trying to work it out with someone who had cheated on him it was going to be a long tough road to gaining back trust within the relationship. Deep inside slave felt "cheating" was a harsh and unfair label to put on what had taken place but she was so relieved she was being given a chance she didn't dare a say a word. She just wanted forgiveness.

Daddy came over and we spoke a bit more before getting on with our original plans but he was very clear about the tight leash one would be on until she had earned back his trust. Daddy felt betrayed and very, very hurt and was wondering what else one was hiding from him. Slave felt drained and her face felt swollen.

The evening watching the game with friends was actually a lot of fun and slave stayed close to her Daddy. There were a few times Daddy denied her a jello shooter or other things friends were offering during the game just to show how upset he really was. While bummed her last night out before the surgery (that would lay her up for a weeks) was being hampered slave said nothing. She did however wonder what was ahead.

The night ended late and we hastily departed with these issues hanging over our head. Unfortunately we were not really able to deal with this much more due to the surgery and hospital stay (which he was amazing through) but now that one is home its coming back to something we need to talk about more.

We still have a lot to work through and it’s going to take a while. While what happened was wrong and there is indeed trust that needs to be earned back as a result slave worries that Daddy is going to use this incident to push other issues that we butted heads on in the past. Only time will tell.

Monday, February 11, 2013

The Confession - Part 2

Daddy looked across the table incredulously. (Telling this part of what happened is a bit difficult, as things got a little blurry at this point. The rush of relief, fear of his reaction and the effects of the beers all hitting at once). I believe his first response was something to the effect of him having wondered why the subject of a blog had not come up sooner.

The he started firing questions across the table, but the one that hung in the air like a weight was regarding how long had this been going on. When the response was over a year it seemed things would never be right again. Daddy quickly picked up his phone and asked for the URL. Upon getting the information he looked it up and started reading while all one could do was sit there and stare. He started with the most current post, which was better since by then things had evened out, a bit and we were in a more comfortable place. There was not so much questioning and resentment written towards the latter part of this blog. Sitting so far from him while he was reading was causing a lot of stress and eventually the need to move to the seat next to him was so strong it just happened. Daddy moved to tuck slave under his arm and she just leaned into him and waited for a response.

The connection in our local bar was not good and trying to read the blog entries became too tedious. Daddy was very upset and rightfully so. He asked many questions which were answered as quickly as possible but the fact that this omission had gone on so long was clearly weighing on both of us. Daddy remained calm and reiterated several times that he was not mad about the blog but he was upset that he was not aware of its existence. There were explanations of the guilt it had caused over time that resulted in the lack of posting as time went on. Daddy did ask that the writing continue and also requested this confession be documented here for all to see. The fact that he was being so understanding about it actually made the guilt even worse.

We talked some more and soon decided it was time leave as the girls were with a babysitter and we did not want to stay out that late. Earlier in the week we had been on an almost daily maintenance schedule (trying to get it in while we could) but we stopped spanking a few days prior due to the upcoming surgery. Daddy was concerned about any bruising raising questions with the doctor but really the concern was on his end as it is never that bad anymore and slave would be lying on her stomach for the whole procedure.

Apparently Daddy was no longer worried about that at this point. We pulled into an empty parking lot and daddy turned off the car and climbed into the back seat. Obediently slave joined him looking in his eyes as she unbuttoned her jeans and began to lie across his lap. The fact that he was going forward with punishment was a huge relief. Surely we would not be going through with this if he were going to release me from his ownership. Tears and uncontrollable sobbing started even before the first hard stroke of the paddle landed. Not out of fear of pain but rather from the remorse one felt from doing something so detrimental to our relationship. It was not an easy paddling, it was hard and Daddy took several breaks and then started right back up again. He spoke about broken trust and working to get it back, about communication and everything that needed to be done to make this work. He asked me if this paddling was going to be written about here as he was delivering the hardest stroke so far. It was hard to catch enough breath enough to answer but finally through cries slave screamed "Only if you would like me to Sir" and he let up a little bit before staring with the next round.

When Daddy was done and both bottom and thighs felt as though they were on fire slave sunk to her knees and continued to cry in his lap. Daddy did pull her up to console her after a short while and once she calmed he fisted her hair pulling her head back firmly to tell her nothing like this was ever to happen again. "Yes Sir" was managed through tears and then we did have to sort of rush to get back to the house as Daddy had spent quite a bit of time paddling away.

It felt horrible to have to act like everything was OK after such an emotional event. The need for further reassurance that all would be well was so strong but yet nothing could be done about it at that time.

We arrived home to the girls excited to see us and it was business as usual. The babysitter took her leave and soon it was time for Daddy to go too. We said our goodbyes clinging to each other tightly but not before Daddy made a comment about how much reading he had to do when he got home.

Things were to get a lot worse before they got better.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Confession - Part 1

It has been so long since there has been an entry on this blog this writer is surprised she still sees so many following. It would be easy to say life has been busy, which it has or that it’s due to a medical issue, which there is but that is not the reason for the silence over here. The thing is after all this time Daddy never knew about this blog.

At first this seemed like an innocent omission. We were just starting out and without any past experience one could never anticipate that Daddy would choose such a strict path for us nor that such strictness would be something slave would eventually crave and feel lost without. As we moved forward and Daddy starting controlling more this blog became a weight on ones shoulders. The shame of this secret was so deep that it was never even written about here.

Master worked hard at letting his slave know what he expected. As he sensed the initial phase of resistance and testing was over he started introducing more. Reminding his slave in many ways she has no autonomy, no rights, no anything unless it was granted to her at his discretion. As this happened little things became 2nd nature, hard limits fell away and Daddy's control became a warm blanket of protection. "Yes Sir" replaced annoyance and defiance. Punishments became further apart and even when given they are taken gratefully (and tearfully) leaving behind that content and proud feeling one has when they must pay the piper for even the smallest transgressions. All these beautiful things were happening but with each new post the guilt became heavier and coming back to this place that was once one of happiness was just miserable.

It was naive to believe one could be owned and keep anything from their Master, it just would not work. How could it have not been seen earlier that this would be a problem. Panic was really starting to set in but slave knew this was something that must be addressed. Daddy sensed something was off as his slave became more agitated by this issue. He would ask what was going on and yet still she said nothing. Time went on and slave tucked it away in the back of her mind as best she could. It was hard and never went away.

With surgery quickly approaching, plans were made for a night away. The girls at a sleepover, dinner plans and a hotel room for the evening. A lovely meal was enjoyed, an owed punishment was dealt with and we had the rest of the evening ahead of us. While slave was enduring part of her punishment Daddy had slipped out of the room to print out the guidelines he had carefully written out for our future. Slave sat tenderly on her newly paddled bottom wrapped in a towel and still shivering from the cold bath she had finally been instructed to exit before the paddling began. As Master handed her the papers he tucked her in additional blankets so she could concentrate on his written instructions. It was prepared in great detail, reiterating many of the existing rules but with added slave protocol including modification of slaves way of speaking, walking, dressing and eating. It was written with love and tears welled up as the impact of the phase we would be entering really sunk in.

As slave continued to read she came upon the section written about communication, full disclosure and transparency. This blog came to mind overshadowing the moment, but again it was pushed away. Daddy had spent an enormous amount of time putting this together (it is my hope that one day he will allow to me share it here) and the thought that something was being hidden from this wonderful man was horrifying. Although the feeling of guilt was overwhelming Daddy eventually moved the evening in other directions and slave happily complied letting pain, pleasure and subspace put off the inevitable for a bit longer.

Morning came way too quickly but there was time for another lengthy play session before it was time to gingerly move about, pack up the room and pick up the children. It did come to mind that it would be a good opportunity to confess but it was much easier to procrastinate and justify not ruining our time together than face the music. The day with the kids was busy and later that evening as slave said goodbye to her Daddy she knew she had missed her opportunity.

Slave prepared for bed later that evening and almost all of her kneeling time ritual was focused on this problem rather than her submission to Daddy..... it was becoming truly unbearable. Something had to be done.

Sleep finally ensued and the work/school week allowed this blog to be further pushed into the category of something to deal with later. The week flew by, surgery preparations were made and the feeling of dread subsided a little.

The following Saturday evening we found ourselves able to go out one last time before the surgery. Appetizers were served, beers were consumed and eventually the conversation turned to our dynamic and us. It was then that rather ungracefully (thank you beer #3) the truth was blurted out.