The Beginning

There are so many wonderful blogs I have read and kept up with that gave me the strength to become comfortable with who I am. I would have liked to follow many from the beginning of the journey and that being the case I thought I should start mine from just that....the beginning. It took me a long time to get here but I am excited for what the future holds.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Not feeling it

Finally all the birthdays are over and too be honest I could not be happier. When my 2nd child was born I thought "how cute, all three of our birthdays are within 12 days of each other" but now that they are older and I have to plan two parties and then again celebrate on the actual day and somehow try to enjoy my own birthday in there and get ready for the kids to go back to school, well it's just a lot. So now I can take a big sigh of relief and try to deal with other issues at hand.

The biggest issue at hand right now is my mindset. I am just not feeling submission flowing through me as I usually do. I feel like I am failing in many ways and I am at the point where I just don't care and I want some space. I am only seeing things from my point of view which is the exact opposite if what I am supposed to be doing. I feel like we never have a "normal" conversation anymore, it's always about do this, do that, check in with me every 2 hours.  I feel like screaming, really check in with you every two hours, you realize I am just getting home to my kids who have not seen me all day and I would like to take them to the pool and actually talk to them for a little bit as well as some of my girlfriends without having to make a phone call for few hours. Do you realize that we have been emailing each other all day, which is seriously interrupting my work and that we also had lunch together and that you have actually had more of my attention than anything or anyone else already today. Do you realize that all you have to do is go to work and go home but when I get home my day is not even half way over?

Maintenance was horrible earlier this week. Monday he broke out the sorority paddle and I did not handle it well. I moved a lot and I begged him to stop which really pissed him off. The fact of the matter was it hurt (of course) and I just really did not feel like being spanked. It did nothing for my mindset; instead I was bitter and pissed off about it. Tuesday I was determined to fix it, to handle maintenance better but I didn't, he used the paddle again and I asked for a minute to process the pain which caused him to stop dead in his tracks and he just left me there crying for a bit. He started back up with the thick flat spatula spoon that I despise more than anything else and I twisted and turned while he finished up. I did feel a little better after that, almost like everything was OK. He halfheartedly held me after and it adjusted my attitude some but it just was not exactly the same.

Yesterday I took the day off for my daughter’s birthday. She went to school but I had to wait to until the last minute to shop because I had no money until I got paid that morning. I got them on the bus; I called before I left for the mall which is a 1/2 hour away. I shopped and I called when I left the mall. I got back home by 11:45 which gave me less than an hour to get all the wrapping done before I had to go eat lunch with my daughter at 1 pm. I got the wrapping done in the nick of time and left for the school; I called. I ate lunch with my daughter and then rushed up to the bank to meet with the outgoing PTA President to get my name on the account as the new President, when finished I called. I ran to the grocery to pick up cupcakes so my daughter could bring them to Field Hockey Practice for her b-day and made it back to the house about 15 minutes before the bus would drop off the girls. I wanted to unload the groceries and bring the girls bikes down to the bus stop since for once I was going to be able to let them do that since I was home when they got off the bus. I heard the phone ringing while all of this was going but just felt too rushed to stop. I knew this would be an issue. I finished and returned the call but said I really had to go to the bus stop and we hung up. He did not sound happy.

The girls came home and we did after school stuff, I got some laundry done and called him again. At 6:45 my ex came over and my daughter opened gifts with us and my parents and the ex left by 7:30. The birthday girl was a wreck before my ex even left. She was crying because she wanted to see Sir on her birthday instead of her Dad, then she got in a huge fight with my dad which has been a pretty common occurence lately (did I tell you how much I hate living with my parents, I swear its like they totally forgot what's its like to have a 7 & 9 year old). It took me forever to get everybody calmed down and in bed; once I did -  I called (are you seeing a pattern here). Sir was in a bad mood because he was missing my daughter on her birthday. To be honest I just did not want to hear it and I was very quiet, I need to try and fix her relationship with her dad even if it's his fault. At the end of the day I was the one who left the marriage and my ex was devastated and he misses the girls that he stayed home and raised while I was at work (not because we could afford it but because he was lazy). As far as I am concerned the ex gets priority on coming to things that involve my children. He may not show up all the time but when he does my girls are ususally happy to see him. Maybe once the divorce is final we can all be at things together but right now it is just not possible.

Anyway, Sir was going to take a shower and wanted me to call back at 10:30. Guess what, I made lunches for the next day and feel asleep.

Here is the email I go this morning:

Its 11:30pm. Thank you for the call. I really thought u would at least try to call. You have not been yourself this week my lil girl, not at all. Concerned and disappointed about you being my slave.

I am not looking forward to lunch/maintenance today.


  1. I am sorry you are just not feeling it. I understand about the birthdays, I would have thought that to be cute too first, and now, three birthdays within two weeks is a lot of work and money, isn't it?
    I was going to suggest just waiting for maintenance, but further down, I see that it didn't work either. So, absolutely no advice from me. But sometimes it just doesn't feel right, and then it gets better again.

  2. OK..all three of my children were born in December on different dates, so 3 birthdays and Christmas...I sympathize with you.

    I get maintenance once a week, and that is about all I could handle, it is not an easy, fun spanking, and I am always glad it is over. Maybe some other type of 'fun' spanking could replace 1 maintenance.
    I so admire single moms, you have a lot on your plate, hang in there!
    hugs abby

  3. oh dancing, you know what really upset me reading this was the email he sent you, that was harsh.

    Perhaps sitting down together and rethinking the calling every 2 hours that does seem a bit ott no offence intended but i can see how it can make a day disruptive when you constantly have to remember to make that call.

    My kids birthdays are 5 days apart so you have my sympathy there it does get expensive especially the older they get, you are right in what you say about their father coming first as long as they are happy....your children are your priority.

    I think i would want a serious sit down discussion about these issues before it builds up a lot of resentment and gets out of hand, a note worth mentioning....there is a difference between being dominant and being domineering.

    take care xx

  4. Yikes! It sounds like you are up to your ears right now with the kids and everything else going on. I hope that, when he helps you back into the right mindset, he's also able to listen and help you find some of the balance you are looking for with your dynamic and the day-to-day stuff.

  5. Okay, I'm not sure how this will sound, but to me it sounds like his expectations may need some adjusting. He can not be your entire world when you are first and foremost a mom. You have a lot on your plate and honestly it sounds like you're doing your best. I imagine he doesn't really understand what it's like to live in your shoes. I remember when my oldest child was a toddler. Michael and I both worked outside the home and he had her on his own one day a week (he was off that day and I worked that day). It was wonderful! He got to see just what it was like to care for a toddler and try to get stuff done too. It made him more appreciative and understanding. It sounds like you could use a bit of that yourself...appreciation and understanding that is. (((hugs)))

  6. I cannot say it any better than the ladies who have already commented. My thoughts are with you.

    Very big hug,


  7. I'm going to just say this, as politely as possible: You have the hardest job on earth-being a single Mom. Being a Mom is the most important job on earth. I'm soooo tired of trying to mend the shattered pieces of children whose parents have not taken good care of them. Time for you is crucial-including to their growth as people. Time with Sir is important.But nothing trumps Mom. I hope he can come to understand that. Your babies depend on you. They don't have other options. HUGE hug

  8. First, I have to say I'm so sorry about your situation and I can identify. I'm sending you a big hug! :-)

    Second, I agree with tori. Can you talk or send a long email to him that explains what you just told us? Can you talk together about adjusting Your call schedule, i.e. lengthening it to 3-4 hours instead of 2? Does he really "get" what your days are like? I don't think it is unsubmissive to expect a good partner out of a D/s relationship, one who is more than a Dom but a friend and lover as well. It's healthy and not impossible to achieve within the constraints of D/s, although some may be fine without it and that's great too if it works. The important part is that it works for both of you.

    Finally, I am of the opinion that kids count first. They are only young once and it is important and fulfilling to shape their lives, to share birthdays, to be their mom. They are the innocent parties and dealing with divorce on top of everything. They have to come first, imho.

    Well, enough of my rambling for now. :-) I wish you luck working through it.

    love, squirrel

  9. I'm thinking that M is feeling a little put out because you are putting your children first as it should be. His expectations may be a little unrealistic and you should have a long discussion about this.

    Hugs that you can come to some middle ground because you sound quite stressed. Life is too short not to be enjoyed.

  10. Wow, he really sounds uncaring. You're running around like crazy, trying to keep everything together, and his big concern is whether or not he gets his 2 hour call????
    No offense, but he needs to grow up and learn how to treat you with some respect.

  11. The others have already said it all.'s so hard that this always comes down to communication b/c these conversations are so hard to begin sometimes. I really hope you can find a gentle place where you know he will be receptive and pour out everything so that he understands the stress you are under. If he can, I'm guessing that not only will he change his expectations but he'll also jump in and help you more with everything that's on your plate. Please let us know how it goes...will be thinking about you.

  12. Hugs hugs and more hugs! I am exhausted just reading about your day!

    Hopefully the lines of communication can be reopened and you will be able to breathe.

    Just hugs.


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