Finally all the birthdays are over and too be honest I could not be happier. When my 2nd child was born I thought "how cute, all three of our birthdays are within 12 days of each other" but now that they are older and I have to plan two parties and then again celebrate on the actual day and somehow try to enjoy my own birthday in there and get ready for the kids to go back to school, well it's just a lot. So now I can take a big sigh of relief and try to deal with other issues at hand.
The biggest issue at hand right now is my mindset. I am just not feeling submission flowing through me as I usually do. I feel like I am failing in many ways and I am at the point where I just don't care and I want some space. I am only seeing things from my point of view which is the exact opposite if what I am supposed to be doing. I feel like we never have a "normal" conversation anymore, it's always about do this, do that, check in with me every 2 hours. I feel like screaming, really check in with you every two hours, you realize I am just getting home to my kids who have not seen me all day and I would like to take them to the pool and actually talk to them for a little bit as well as some of my girlfriends without having to make a phone call for few hours. Do you realize that we have been emailing each other all day, which is seriously interrupting my work and that we also had lunch together and that you have actually had more of my attention than anything or anyone else already today. Do you realize that all you have to do is go to work and go home but when I get home my day is not even half way over?
Maintenance was horrible earlier this week. Monday he broke out the sorority paddle and I did not handle it well. I moved a lot and I begged him to stop which really pissed him off. The fact of the matter was it hurt (of course) and I just really did not feel like being spanked. It did nothing for my mindset; instead I was bitter and pissed off about it. Tuesday I was determined to fix it, to handle maintenance better but I didn't, he used the paddle again and I asked for a minute to process the pain which caused him to stop dead in his tracks and he just left me there crying for a bit. He started back up with the thick flat spatula spoon that I despise more than anything else and I twisted and turned while he finished up. I did feel a little better after that, almost like everything was OK. He halfheartedly held me after and it adjusted my attitude some but it just was not exactly the same.
Yesterday I took the day off for my daughter’s birthday. She went to school but I had to wait to until the last minute to shop because I had no money until I got paid that morning. I got them on the bus; I called before I left for the mall which is a 1/2 hour away. I shopped and I called when I left the mall. I got back home by 11:45 which gave me less than an hour to get all the wrapping done before I had to go eat lunch with my daughter at 1 pm. I got the wrapping done in the nick of time and left for the school; I called. I ate lunch with my daughter and then rushed up to the bank to meet with the outgoing PTA President to get my name on the account as the new President, when finished I called. I ran to the grocery to pick up cupcakes so my daughter could bring them to Field Hockey Practice for her b-day and made it back to the house about 15 minutes before the bus would drop off the girls. I wanted to unload the groceries and bring the girls bikes down to the bus stop since for once I was going to be able to let them do that since I was home when they got off the bus. I heard the phone ringing while all of this was going but just felt too rushed to stop. I knew this would be an issue. I finished and returned the call but said I really had to go to the bus stop and we hung up. He did not sound happy.
The girls came home and we did after school stuff, I got some laundry done and called him again. At 6:45 my ex came over and my daughter opened gifts with us and my parents and the ex left by 7:30. The birthday girl was a wreck before my ex even left. She was crying because she wanted to see Sir on her birthday instead of her Dad, then she got in a huge fight with my dad which has been a pretty common occurence lately (did I tell you how much I hate living with my parents, I swear its like they totally forgot what's its like to have a 7 & 9 year old). It took me forever to get everybody calmed down and in bed; once I did - I called (are you seeing a pattern here). Sir was in a bad mood because he was missing my daughter on her birthday. To be honest I just did not want to hear it and I was very quiet, I need to try and fix her relationship with her dad even if it's his fault. At the end of the day I was the one who left the marriage and my ex was devastated and he misses the girls that he stayed home and raised while I was at work (not because we could afford it but because he was lazy). As far as I am concerned the ex gets priority on coming to things that involve my children. He may not show up all the time but when he does my girls are ususally happy to see him. Maybe once the divorce is final we can all be at things together but right now it is just not possible.
Anyway, Sir was going to take a shower and wanted me to call back at 10:30. Guess what, I made lunches for the next day and feel asleep.
Here is the email I go this morning:
Its 11:30pm. Thank you for the call. I really thought u would at least try to call. You have not been yourself this week my lil girl, not at all. Concerned and disappointed about you being my slave.
I am not looking forward to lunch/maintenance today.