The Beginning

There are so many wonderful blogs I have read and kept up with that gave me the strength to become comfortable with who I am. I would have liked to follow many from the beginning of the journey and that being the case I thought I should start mine from just that....the beginning. It took me a long time to get here but I am excited for what the future holds.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

“Good Girl” – Sometimes the smallest things is all it takes

Daddy came over last night to spend some time with the girls and me. It has been a crazy week so far and once leaving the house at 8 am on both Monday & Tuesday the girls and I returned home both nights for the first time after 8 pm. This is not great for younger elementary school children but not much you can do when it’s school related things. I hate that school continues to give out homework on back to school nights knowing that parents usually don’t get home from work until 5:30 or 6 and then have to be up at the school from 6 pm until 8:00 pm. It’s just a pet peeve of mine; I mean what 2nd grader can do their homework well at 8:30 at night?   
I was a bit relieved when he walked in the door as I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. He quickly stepped in to do the dinner dishes so I could get through the backpacks and start making lunches for the next day this was a big help because it was already after 7 and I really wanted the girls to get in bed early. (Since we moved into my parents I have to physically lie in bed with my daughter until she falls asleep so sending them up on their own does not work).  
Daddy has been reading a lot of blogs from different perspectives and I had noticed he was tightening up on a few things, not in an oppressive way, but in little subtle ways, things to help build submission. Things I am enjoying. Earlier I had asked him if could look at what he was reading and he had sent me some links that I had not yet looked at. While we were together in the kitchen he told me the first link he sent was really interesting to him because it was written by a submissive about how being called a “good girl” made her feel.  Daddy often calls me “good girl” when he observes me following a rule he knows is tough for me or when I am I am doing particularly well handling pain play.
A few months ago there had been times when I heard Daddy refer to other women as “good girl” and it bothered me a bit. I felt like that should be reserved for me and I told him how it made me feel; he understood completely and stopped. He even noticed he was doing it with our kids and apologized to me for that and made changes but really when he does it with the kids it does not bother me.   
When he brought up the term “good girl” the argument on Friday night came rushing back to me and to be frank I became angry. (Oh hell, I mine as well say it, I have been angry ever since)  You see during that time when Daddy was mad he purposely started using “good girl” with the kids, every chance he got. He had done it to be spiteful because he was upset with me and while I don’t usually get upset when he says that to any of our kids, I thought his reason for doing it that night was immature and not the way things should have been handled.
I calmly turned to look at him and quietly said after this weekend I am just not sure “good girl” holds any meaning to me anymore.
He looked at me closely and he looked really hurt which was not my intention but I just had to say something, something to let him know that I am not OK. I guess it was my way of reaching out.
Babe, you have not been the same since this weekend. You are quiet and distant and I need to know what’s going on, I feel like the past weekend had really out a dent in us.
Well it has Daddy. I feel like everything is unresolved that we still need to talk. I am very upset about it and I just can’t get past it. It’s not the punishment that I am focusing on so please don’t think it’s that, it’s everything that has happened prior to that. I feel like sometimes you set me up for failure.
I didn’t think it was resolved babe, I know we need to talk we just have not had time without the kids.
We had time for maintenance today
And then and only then did we really started talking

Thursday, September 20, 2012


There are all sorts of little ways Master can inflict pain on me at his whim. He has definitely learned to be pretty creative about it since there are often little ones and other family members cramping our style in close proximity.

It all started out innocently with a few hard pinches to my inner thigh when we were playing one night which got me pretty excited. It hurt but my pain threshold goes up significantly while playing or when I know there will be pleasure to follow. He dabbled with that for a while until one day at lunch. We were sitting in the car talking and out of the blue he reached over and started pinching the inside of my thigh, hard. Instinctively I put my hands down to shield myself from the onslaught. He looked at me in his domly way, firmly instructed me to move my hands and proceeded to pinch me to his hearts desire.....that of course got me a bit aroused even though there was no chance of play at that time, but it was not the pain that aroused me, it was that he had enough control over me that allowed him to do that when it hurt so bad. It was in that moment that I realized we were past the point of me needing physical restraints to endure, all I needed was his command.

Since that day, pinching has taken on a whole new meaning. If we are watching TV and the kids are there but he wants to see me squirm he'll repeatedly get me good on the forearm. If we are with my parents and my Mom starts in on some tangent that I am surely going to freak out over voice my opinion about to the detriment of our relationship he will pinch me so fiercely it takes everything I have to keep my expression from giving away how much pain I am in. The good side of that scenario is that it does keep me from getting punished for running off at the mouth when she is egging me on. I'm also likely to get a good pinch or two when we are saying goodbye and are going to be apart for more than a few hours and he is reminding me of expected behaviorsrs. I used to roll my eyes when he did this because I didn't feel I needed the reminders in the first place which I am sure is why the pinches were added on these occasions.

Then something happened, somebody asked why my arms were always bruised in the same place. I don't even remember how I answered but the pinching to the arms quickly changed to my back closer to the shoulder blade and other places. Which is just as effective, I hated it. 

Here's the kicker, I have been so conditioned to accept this pinching that now when we lay in bed at night to watch TV with the girls as soon as Master lays his hand on my body I want the pinch. I anticipate the pain and if he doesn't do it I get well.....a little disappointed, I want to scream "hurt me". It strange, I know but I crave it. I'll even present my body in a certain was so he  has good access and even though he never says anything I know he knows it.

Well last night we all sat down to watch the Season Finale of our favorite reality show. I threw my leg over his and he rested his hand on my inner thigh. Sure enough the pinching began. Hard vice grips pinches that knocked the wind out of me, causing my eyes to tear and wetness in other places. The pinching went on for at least an hour and not only was he pinching but he was grabbing the skin and twisting it. My thigh was so sore and I could see the subtle smile reach his eyes knowing the pain he was causing me. At one point I actually started whimpering and since the girls were both half asleep I managed to whisper how bad it hurt.

You remember your safeword, don't you?

Of course, I do Master but I'm not going to use it for a little pinching I answered all the while thinking and you know that damn well, especially since I have never used it before. 

Then I guess you haven't reached your limit.

Well I'm not going to get sick or be permanently harmed by it so you know I won't use it .

Exactly, your fine and your soaked, now go to bed, little one. I love you.

And with that, he kissed me on the forehead, tucked me in and off to dreamland I went.

And no I cannot cross my legs today and yet I am sure I will put myself in that same exact position tonight.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Maintenance by Cane

Yesterday was maintenance day and master had already let me know that this week all maintenance would be done via cane. Oh joy, something to look forward too.

We have had zero time alone and I don't see any in our near future so we would have to make due with parking at "our" place during lunch for maintenance sessions this week. Master picked me up from work and we chatted as he drove to the secluded spot, we held hands and talked about plans for this weekend the kids, work and things of that nature. Then he looked over at me and asked Are you prepared for what's coming little girl?

I am sure I made that pathetic face I always make when I know an intense session is coming and mumbled something about never truly being prepared for the cane. He stepped out of the car, opened the passenger side back door and pulled the cane out from under the back seat. Always prepared that man, I tell you. He patted the seat with it and I obediently climbed into the back so I could lay on my stomach as he stood outside the car. You can keep your underwear up today he said in a casual tone and I think I froze with shock and confusion, Maybe I should feel his head, perhaps he is not well, I refrained from asking why because I did not want to press my luck but I guess my stunned expression gave me away. Maintenance will be all on the thighs today, so just lay down and lift up your skirt and we'll be good to go. Why I foolishly asked not sure if I had done something to upset him. Because I feel like it,  you'll be fine, just lay down.

I laid across the back seat waiting for the first strike to fall on the back of my legs, I was worked up and I think shaking a little. Master took his time in between strikes. I am never sure which is easier to take; a series of quick strikes that are over and done with or a session like this one when he strikes hard but pauses in between. That pause can be brutal giving you time to really feel it but still knowing more are on the way. After a bout 10 strikes I found myself bucking up just a little and yes I was sobbing into the seat of the car. Master brought the cane down across both my checks and told me to be still, that my moving was annoying him. I calmed myself trying to mentally track how many strikes I had already received convincing myself it surely could not be much longer but when the next five landed in rapid succession the burning on the back of my legs was pretty intense and I turned on my side just a bit. Lay back down slave Master commanded gently. I am not sure what came over me but as I laid back flat on my stomach I reached my left hand back and grabbed Masters free hand for support. He squeezed my hand tight and rubbed his thim across my hand, whispering words of encouragement as he struck a few more times. Then he placed my hand back by my head so he could finish the job as I obediently laid still for the last of what was coming.  Finally I heard  him say OK you can get up now babe but instead I kind of curled up in a fetal position not really ready to move. He coaxed me up and into this arms and held, rocked and kissed me while I cried, telling me what a good girl I am and  how much he loves me. I thanked him for maintenance and crumbled into the safety of his arms. We sat and talked for the rest our lunch break (who needs food) and then he drove me back to the office. As we said goodbye he grabbed a fistful of my hair at the nape of my neck pulling my face under his and kissed me so deeply I wanted to melt into his body. As his lips departed from mine he held my head in place and firmly (but not painfully) gave me two quick face slaps on the right cheek and told me to be careful, to be a good girl, that he loved me and I should run along.

I floated through work the rest of my day, gently resting the back of my legs of my chair and making sure my dress was pulled down as low as possible since I could tell some of the welts were not to far above the back of my knee. I felt a sense of peace I had not really had in a while. I guess part of it was that the anticipation was over but knowing that I would be getting more of the same in less than 48 hours. Knowing that Master understands how much I crave to stay in that fully submissive/slavelike mindset even when I fight him on things.

I have an assigned mantra today: 

Anything you do should be approved by Master. Master can do anything he wants with and/or to you. You are owned by Master.

It's going to be a good day.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

The right fit

Finding the right fit can be tough. As we get older we hope that it gets easier, you know yourself better and what works and does not work well for you. Let’s take a pair of jeans for example; you go to the store having a general idea of what you are looking for.  You want something comfortable, something that gives you the right amount of support and that you can stay in for a long time. You want the jeans to make you feel good about yourself, you want the right fit.
When trying on the jeans, you only get a preview of how they will work for you and if satisfied you take them home and hope that they will become your favorite. The first time you wear the jeans, they usually are as expected (since you just tried them on) and you put them on and go about your day. But sometimes when you try the jeans on again they just don’t feel the same. There are all sorts of reasons this could be the case.
Perhaps you have been running around a lot, not taking good care of yourself; heck maybe even it’s that time of the month but whatever the reason all of sudden the jeans feel too tight, too binding like they are suffocating you and all you want to do is get them off. Sure, if you persist the fabric may stretch a little as the day goes on and give you a little breathing room, but at the end of the day the jeans are the jeans and they really don’t give you much leeway because they are what are they and you knew that when you bought them. In those time I find its best to see why the jeans just don’t feel right and reel myself in. Maybe I have been off track and I need to self reflect, start taking better care of myself and be more aware of my habits, surely if I do all those things the jeans will feel right soon.
Other times the same jeans may feel too loose, like they are not giving you the right amount of support.  You want them to fit you tighter, to hold you all in while at the same time giving you the freedom to be yourself and look your best. Perhaps you put them in the dryer to shrink them a bit, letting them know you need to feel them snug against your skin, but again they are what they are and while this may work for a while, you may need to put them in the dryer a second time to remind them of your needs.
The crazy thing about this is the jeans have not changed; they are just as you choose them and even though they are not always perfect they are yours and you love them. So I guess the best thing the wearer can do is accept them for what they are, your favorite jeans, and even though they don’t feel perfect today, you know they are always there when you need them and that is comforting and that is why you bought them in the first place, isn’t it?  

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Wonderful Weekend

Well it was a wonderful long weekend here in the US and for us it was a very good one indeed. If you have been reading you know we have been going through a bit of a rough patch trying to figure out how our dynamic is going to work for us. We talked last week and Master decided a few adjustments were necessary. This weekend we got to put all that aside which was nice.

My parents went away for the weekend so we had some alone time which was much needed. There is so much to write about I think I will post about it one day at a time. I want to write about the playtime but the regular stuff with the girls was awesome too and there was a surprise 40th birthday party thrown in there as well which of course made me grateful for all the wonderful friends I have. Friday was a regular work day for me and I headed home in the afternoon to collect my girls from different friend’s houses. I stopped by the ex's place to let out the family dog and when I got home Master was waiting for just about 2 minutes so it was perfect.

So much of our time is spent apart and working around schedules (mostly mine) that I forgot how relaxed Master really is as long as we are together. We just hung out with the girls and played and talked until it was time to get them ready for bed. We put them to bed together and laid in their room with them (which is also my room) until they fell asleep. Once we were sure they were fully asleep we were happy to have some time to play. Master whispered that he wanted to spank me first and suggested we go downstairs so not to make too much noise in the spare bedroom right next to them.

I felt goose bumps as we walked downstairs since it really had felt like forever since I was getting spanked for fun. I watched him take off his belt, sit on the coach and pat his lap. I obediently bared myself and laid across his lap for the most delightful whipping across my bottom and thighs. It was long and hard and we eventually stopped because we heard some nonexistent noise and then headed upstairs. Master told me to stand and wait as we entered the room. I stood there naked looking straight ahead, hands behind my back just as he prefers. I could hear him moving around behind me and then he brushed up against my back and slipped and fastened a choke chain collar around my neck. This was new for us and I remember my whole demeanor changing because of it; Master later told me he felt it too. He moved in front of me and gave me a long passionate kiss as he rolled my right nipple between his fingers getting it prepared to be clamped. Once both clamps were on to his satisfaction Master kissed me again as he took a nipple/clamp in each hand and twisted them in opposite directions. I had to fight to keep my hands behind my back but that was quickly remedied as I was instructed to lace my hands behind my head so he could cuff them together and attach them to the back of my collar. I quickly realized I was not going to be able to fidget too much if I wanted to keep my neck in any sort of comfortable position and I was soaked.

I lay down on my stomach as instructed and Master lavished me in caresses that had me going crazy. He would slip his fingers inside me bringing me close to the edge only to pull out and spank my lips until tears welled up in my eyes and then he would start all over again. I whimpered when at last I felt his weight lift off of me. I had expected and desperately wanted to feel him inside me but instead the next sensation I felt was the bite of the flogger on my back.  For a minute I started to panic, Master made it from a leather jacket we were going to throw out, each strand braided and tied in thick knots at the end. I did not think I was going to be able to adjust to the intense sting but eventually I felt my body lifting up to meet the blows as Master told me what a good girl I was, every inch of my back, butt and legs burning from the impact.

You feeling OK little girl? Master asked as he once again got off the bed to find his next implement of torture. I was too wrapped up in my own head space to answer with more than a moan until I felt an intense sting across my backside that hurt like crazy and surely broke the skin.  It was thinner than a cane and made this crazy sound while being swung through the air. I cried out in agony each time I felt the lash across my butt or back but yet whenever Master checked me below my body told him I was doing just fine. (It turned out to be a long TV antenna…..ouch)

I was soon flipped over with Master on top of me. I was arching my body to his, needing him so bad but he had other plans. I begged for him to enter me but instead he slid his lips down my body to suck up my juices, my body convulsing into his touch. He played with me like that for a very long time, leaving me begging as he reached up every so often to give me a slap on the cheek. Finally he gave me permission to let go and I did again, again and again.

Master yanked me off the bed by my collar and placed me on my knees in front of him so he could have his way with my mouth. I wanted the use of my hands so badly but I also loved the helplessness of him gagging me and pulling out enough to let me breathe when he felt like it. I wanted to taste him and when he tried to pull out further I thrust my head forward in protest. Master was having none of that as he lifted me back onto the bed and thrust himself deep inside me over and over again. Do you want your hands free he whispered in my ear and I nodded as best I could without pulling that collar tighter around my neck. Then ask he told me in that voice that send shivers down my spine.

Will you please uncuff my hands Daddy, I want to touch you so badly I managed to get out between ragged breathes. I love you so much slave, he answered as he pushed himself so deep inside me I screamed out from the mixture of pain and pleasure. Master did let my hands free so we could hold each other until we finished our first play session of the evening. It was a wonderfully long night.