The Beginning

There are so many wonderful blogs I have read and kept up with that gave me the strength to become comfortable with who I am. I would have liked to follow many from the beginning of the journey and that being the case I thought I should start mine from just that....the beginning. It took me a long time to get here but I am excited for what the future holds.

Friday, October 19, 2012

There has been a lot of progress going on over here and it has taken form in all sorts of ways. We have been talking, laughing, arguing, negotiating, crying (well that‘s been just me) and cuddling.
We have had some tough issues to get through and I have to say a lot of these could have been avoided if we had stepped into this a bit more slowly. Sure we were not strangers when we chose to go down this path and we dated for a while first but I don’t think Master really got to see how my everyday life works before we decided to have rules in place. I don’t think he fully understood the demands of raising 2 children of elementary school age on your own and as a result he wanted more than I could give. We have gotten through this and the more he can see of my nightly struggles routine the more he jumps in to help, and even demands to help when I try to do it all on my own. Accepting the help has been difficult for me and sometime requires correction but we are making progress there too.
I finally dealt with the big elephant in the room which was interactions with my ex. This was really tough for both of us and spanned over a few days. Some conversations heated and some not. Master just could not understand how something this big needed to be out of his realm of his control of me and for whatever reason I had a hard time expressing myself. But alas, I did and it all came down to trust (imagine that). I don’t like the relationship Master has with his ex, it’s riddled with anxiety and nastiness (not from him alone) and it’s not healthy. If I can avoid having that relationship with my ex I will. If the ex needs a favor and I can do that for him I will because he is the father of my children and while things did not work out for us, he is not a horrible person and he his hurt. I don’t trust Master to have an unbiased opinion in this situation and because of that it needs to come off the table. As you can imagine this was hard for him to hear, he fought me on it, said this was not a game, I don’t get to pick and choose what he controls. Finally when he really heard me (and saw the resolve on my face) he agreed but then he started coming up with these crazy specific situations that he would have control over and I just kept repeating “When it comes to the ex, we can discuss it and I will always listen to what you have to say because I value your opinion but the final decision is mine, there is no veto power here”. It took hours but he got it and although I am sure there will be some disagreements from this arrangement I am feeling much more secure in what we are doing here.
I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I feel more relaxed and eager to please him and in turn he has been more relaxed. Don’t get me wrong my rules are my rules and I am happy to have them but the tone of “us” has changed. Its’ the simple things that are making a huge difference. When he picks up the phone with that gruff “hello” and I respond “Hi Daddy” I hear his voice soften which in turn makes me want to address him they way he likes it even more. I used to get annoyed when he would constantly remind me to address him properly, but really wasn’t it up to me to address him properly in the first place. Yes it is and I will.  
I screwed up yesterday; I forgot my phone at home. I have a 45 minute commute and a very bad leak in my car that I have been putting off getting fixed. I was so disappointed with myself when I reached in my purse to make my daily on the way work call to him and realized I didn’t have it. I knew he would be stressing out about my safety when he did not get the call. I emailed him when I got to work and told him what happened, he was surprised I had forgotten and told me we would discuss it a lunch but then we went on to other things and he told me he loved me. I did receive a hairbrush (yeah, he broke out the wood for this repeated offense) punishment spanking at lunch that left me in tears but he held me close after until I was Ok and then proceeded to switch cars with me so I would not get stuck on the way home without a phone if the car craps out. Guess, whose car is also going in the shop tomorrow?
Last night, once we got the girls fed and settled I did not fight with Master when he insisted on doing the dishes. I sat on the floor and played with my girls like he so often encourages me to do. I struggled (internally) with it at first but I didn't pout and once I was with the girls I really enjoyed myself. I started getting really sore after sitting on the floor (that hairbrush can be brutal) and asked if I could change into sweatpants and take off my ankle brace. The smile I got along with his nod was priceless and it really felt like everything was as it should be.
I so often forget to ask permission for the smallest things even when informed the better I am the easier he will be on me and the more liberties I will earn.
Later that evening I was able to watch my favorite show at his feet as I instinctively massaged and licked his calves while he petted my hair. Even later that evening he rewarded me in many others ways. My bottom is not the only thing sore today.
Have a great weekend.


  1. I think dealing with an ex-wife or really ex-spouse is so hard. I don't have an ex in the picture, but we had DH's ex in the picture for a long time, and it is very hard to find the best solution to things. I can understand his relationship with his ex being full of anxiety and find it amazing that you managed to avoid that so far with your ex.
    And imagine that, trusts is what it all boils down too! Well I think this all sounds pretty positive!

  2. I think it was terrific that your Master helped with the dishes, that shows real understanding. It does sound very positive.


  3. It sounds like you are having a beautiful time together. I take your point about how to handle the situation with your ex. It almost sounds like your Master doesn't want to control it...but wants to know that you would defer to him over it. Still tricky whichever way. This is a man (your ex) who is the father of your children and will be part of your family for a very very long time. Why wouldn't your want to have a good relationship with him?

    cheers L

  4. So glad things are working out for you. Just keep those lines of communication open. Also glad you held your ground about the ex because he will always be there and if you don't work it out now with your partner you'll be going over the same ground forever.

  5. Trust...such a biggie in all relationships. Good for holding your ground on the ex...good for you children too. Sounds like you are both on the same page...and that is always so nice!
    hugs abby

  6. Ultimately you have to do whats best for children and that has to be trying to have a good relationship with their father, good for you for saying what needed to be said.


  7. I can't imagine having to deal with an ex in the picture, glad you were able to talk about it. Also, it's great he made you so happy in the end, especially after you were so good in asking permission. Give and take :)

  8. this sounds so nice, i'm happy its working out, makes me wish harder to find someone who can protect me and own me and i can love and obey and please in return


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