I took some time to calm down and sent him back an email apologizing for disappointing him but also letting him know I was overwhelmed and that I was starting to feel like we never just have a regular conversation any more, like it’s just too much "in my face" all the time. He immediately responded that he understood, he appreciated me telling him and we should talk in person. He picked me up for lunch and I really did not know what to expect when I got in the car. He kissed me hello and immediately held my hand and before we pulled away asked me if I wanted to talk now or if we should go on with maintenance as we usually do. I froze. I couldn't believe he was giving me the decision to make and I just sat there blankly.
"Look at me" he stated and when I did I could tell he was hurting. "Let's talk" I answered although a big part of me really just wanted to be spanked and avoid the whole situation. We parked under a tree and he waited for me to start but I just could not bring myself to do it. "You have to talk to me kitty, open forum; you won't get in any trouble for anything said here today".
I took a deep breath and let it all out. The phone stuff was too much, I am not going to be the Mom that walks in the door, sees her kid for the first time in 8 hours and gets on the phone. I also don't need every conversation to be about what I should and should not be doing, I am fully aware of what we are, what the rules are and when he is constantly in my face about it I don't want to listen to him. If I go to the pool for a few hours and I am with other mom's I am not going to be standing there on the phone the whole time, I actually thought that it was ridiculous. (As I started talking I really just let it all out). I mentioned that he brought up how wild I was in high school a few times and he felt the need to check on me and how much that pissed me off, I just turned 40 this past weekend for pete's sake, if he is worried about that then obviously he hasn't gotten to know me at all over the last year. I also let him know what I thought of his email.
We sat there in silence for a while, he kept grabbing my hand and without even realizing it I kept pulling it away under the rouse of adjusting my body in the seat. He also had to keep reminding me to look at him and I was really having a hard time with that.
Then he spoke to me about him just doing what he thought he was supposed to be doing because of his role. That he knows how much I crave control and he was just trying to deliver and that when we lived together he would be able to ease up because he would know what I was doing all the time. I interrupted long enough to tell him that we had a long while before that would be the case and if things kept up like this it is was never going to happen. I also told him the kid’s relationship with their dad is a hard limit and I will make all decisions when it comes to that for now on.
He agreed to ease up, he still wants to know where I am at all times but he will stop smothering me. If I am going somewhere with the kids and he knows where I am going to be I don't have to check in. He will trust me more. That he loves me and he wants us both to be happy.
The crazy thing is I kind of freaked out (internally)....What if I just really screwed up? What if he backs off to much? We were supposed to go over revised rules and terms this weekend what if he is too worried about losing me to do that now?
I am getting what I want and I am upset????????????????????
He sensed something was still wrong...."Kitty you have to talk to me - we need to start having these open discussions at least once a week, so you can tell me how you are feeling. I told him my fears, that while I didn't love all the rules, I don't want that part to change. I'm fine with the control of clothes, food, leaving the house, seeing friends (although I would like a little more leniency on that end) all of those things. He understood and assured me it wouldn't change but then also suggested I look over the terms he was planning on giving me this weekend so we could talk about it first. This was a shock because usually with him it's just too bad that's what it is.
Then he asked me if he was spanking me too much. I almost choked on my own saliva. I looked back up at him and told him that was not a decision I wanted any part of. It was too general of a question that I just could not answer. He told me he does not like spanking me every day but he does like the results had been getting before things got weird this last week. We never really came to any determination there.
Moving forward we have the next 3 nights together with my parents gone. I am looking forward to running the girls around together all weekend, cooking and visiting with some friends. The promise of both painful & pleasurable play has been made and I think for us it could not have come at a better time.
Thank you again for all your support, I promise to keep you posted (pun intended) on the new guidelines after I have looked them over and wrap my head around it all. I also owe you a fun post about a caning that did not quite go as Master had planned.
Have a great weekend,
I'm so glad that you talked and worked through some things. I hope you have a wonderful time reconnecting and sorting things out even more this weekend! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Grace, I think things are on the right track now but only toime will tell.
DeleteI am glad you hada great conversation. Hope you have a great weekend.
ReplyDeleteThanks Joey, I hope you had a nice long weekend too!
DeleteThere is. A reason it is called a dynamic...constantly changing. Keep talking gf.
ReplyDeleteI tend to get quiet when I am upset...for some reason that never works.I think I get that now.
DeleteSo glad you were able to work out a compromise. Just remember to keep talking as situations change.
ReplyDeleteHave a good reconnection and a great weekend.
You are so right, I think If I remember that we will be OK.
DeleteI decided not to comment on your last post because I think I leave really confusing long-winded-off-the-whole-point comments when I'm tired lol.
ReplyDeleteSo I'll take the liberty of doing a two in one comment and I'll keep in mind that I have absolutely no experience in a relationship that involves kids having a different father than the man who is Master.
When Alpha and I decided to change our relationship to a power exchange dynamic, he made quite clear that his word was law. The only exception being if something was inappropriate around the kids, or I felt it was detrimental to them in some way. Basically he's tops but the kids come first.
I think that as parents, we realize that our children always come first.
Perhaps though, you are in a situation where it's easy for your Master's emotions to mistake your loyalty to your children as putting your ex first?
He sounds like a reasonable man who likes the fact that you are a good mother. Maybe given the situation, it's not very hard for him to confuse some of the things you do for them as being more about your ex than your kids?
I don't think Doms like feeling lower than anyone on the totem pole. Kids come first and we all accept that. Feeling like anyone else (friends, ex's, ect) comes first? I think it makes things get sticky Really fast.
I did feel that the email was excessively harsh.
When we enter a power exchange relationship, I think we accept (or at least realize), that part of it is Not getting what we want or always doing what we want, or always liking what happens, because we aren't in charge.
But we have to live it in a way that works for our reality. It seems pretty clear that the texting every two hours thing is not working. Maybe when you have your meeting you could arrange a certain amount of times per day instead of a specific time limit to checking in?
Sometimes getting what we want isn't a good thing. But getting what we need is always good.
Glad to hear you got to have a good conversation and a chance for some time together!
P.S (since I don't know when to shut up), I think it's important to have a space where we know we can say anything without repercussions such as punishment. Not like a license to be rude and get our way, just those times where we know we can be open about how we feel no matter what it is. Having an open discussion once a week like he said might turn out to be a really wonderful thing for your relationship because it gives you that space.
Okay, that was like a post of it's own. Sorry!
Glad to hear today is a better day and I hope I didn't sound preachy because that wasn't my intent at all.
I love your long reply. I think you are exactly right when you mentioned Master feeling like my ex sometimes comes first; unfortunately I just don't always know how to fix it but it is a work in progress.
DeleteWe are backing off a bit on the phone thing and this weekend went pretty well. Wea re going to move forward with open talking a few times a wekk so that should help as well.
Im so glad your communicating about this its so important to have time to sit down and get things off your chest without fear of repurcussions...it really cant be stressed enough..talk and talk but also listen to each other.
ReplyDeletexx
Sometimes listening can be the hardest part but we are getting there.
DeleteIt sounds like he is growing and developing as a Master too. Sometimes I think it's even harder to be a Master than a submissive. Only sometimes!! Kudos to him that he listened and was willing to make changes. I'm super happy for both of you and am thinking positively for the future.
ReplyDeletelove, squirrel
Thank you Squirrel. I tyhink one thing I took from his answer was that he was just doing what he thought he should be. I was a little surprised by that, we both know we need to do what works for us so we are making some adjustements.
DeleteYour Master sounds like...someone who wants to meet your needs...and need are different than wants. (altho I wish that were not always so). I can always say to Master can we talk about 'this' and as long as I am respectful and calm, we talk. It helps me when I start to feel closed in. You are on a journey, it will have its twists and turns...enjoy the weekend....hope the reconnect is great.
ReplyDeletehugs abby
You are right Abby, he does want us both to be happy and we are both trying to figure out our way. I see now that I need to start talking earlier instead of getting annoyed and feeling like I just need to learn to deal with it because this is how it is. I realize the talk may not change anything but at least I have said my peace.
DeletePersonally, I think your Master has some serious growing up to do. It's my opinion that you can't master someone else until you have mastered yourself, and my reading of his email is that he's not in control of his own emotions. When he mentions how wild you were in your youth, it appears to be insecurity speaking, and a Master speaking from insecurity is (once again) a sign that he hasn't mastered his own emotions. It's no wonder you have been feeling off and unbalanced, it's no flaw inside you causing those emotions, instead it's his insecurities you are feeling (IMHO). I believe he needs to get his emotions in order for you to feel better.
ReplyDeleteReading all that you've said on this matter, as well as reading between a few lines, I would express concern about you "spreading yourself too thin" - extracurricular activities like becoming PTA President and the demands they put on your time are going to impact your relationships. As a child I would have preferred that Mom spend her time with me instead of being off at PTA . . .
As hard as this was to read I agree with you on so many points. Luckily, Master knows he has to work on these things too and at least we can take those steps together. he was quick to apologize asfter we spoke but now the reakl work is ahead of us.
DeleteYes, I am spreading mysel;f way too thin and I cannot wait to get some of all this stuff off my plate. I am quickly learning how to delegate and that has been helping some.
{{{{hugs}}}} I just read your last post and I'm so sorry you have been having a bad week. It's good that you talked and that you will continue to talk about things. It may help him have a more realistic view of how things in your world work.
ReplyDeleteHe needs to understand that the kids come first. And as a woman with a past I have to say it's totally unfair to throw that in your face. The past is the past, he needs to leave it be and see you for the woman you are now, not the teenager you were in highschool. Maybe the weekly talks will help foster some of that. Good luck :)
Thanks faerie. I had notice master was a lot more lenient on things when he is actually with me and the kids and he can see first hand how busy things are but then once he is back home it's like he forgets. i think I nede to do a better job at saying something ahead of time before I am at a breaking point.
DeleteI was pretty upset about the High Scool comments several times. I know how I was and I know I hurt him back then but as you said the past is the past and it felt really good to finally bring that up and say what I had to say for sure.