The Beginning

There are so many wonderful blogs I have read and kept up with that gave me the strength to become comfortable with who I am. I would have liked to follow many from the beginning of the journey and that being the case I thought I should start mine from just that....the beginning. It took me a long time to get here but I am excited for what the future holds.


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Arguments

This has come up before my friends and I am always at a loss on how I should handle the situation so I felt the need to post about it today, even if it might be a little confusing since I have not fully thought it out.

Master and I have disagreements, it happens with every relationship. The issue is that now that we have established this dynamic I really don't know how to handle it.

Last night the disagreement was over something very small.   I had forgotten about an annual big deal kid event at our pool that just so happens to be on a night we had plans. It really sucks because since I left my ex I have been living with my parents while still paying all the bills for my ex who has never really been able to take care of himself and he is living in our family home for free. My parents will be out of town so we had the house to ourselves once the kids went to bed. Master said something about this messing up our plans, I answered back that I could not have the girls miss the back to school pool party. None of this was done in any sort of yelling tone but after that Master lost his cool. He raised his voice about him not saying the girls had to miss the event and I always jump to that conclusion and on and on he went. In reality he was probably somewhat right but I did not like that he was yelling at me. I wanted to get off the phone and permission was denied so  instead I clammed up which really pissed him off. Then he told me I was in a bad mood which aggravated me further since he was the one that started yelling. Eventually he realized keeping me on the phone when I shut down was pointless and he let me get off but he was very nasty in the process.

I'll be honest, I wanted to scream right back. I felt he was being unreasonable and in attempt to keep myself from getting punished I just stopped talking....well maybe I should have stopped a bit sooner than I did but I did not raise my voice which is huge progress.

He sent me an email this morning apologizing for yelling at me but then went on to tell me how I should have responded. Can somebody out there please remind me that I am a slave and this is how it works because I'm not feeling it right now. I did respond by saying We should probably talk about this more later because I didn't react to your yelling anyway at all that should have upset you and I stand by that and I really don't see my opinion of that changing no matter how its handled. Meaning I think its a bunch of BS if I get punished for this. 

We agreed to talk later and everything has been fine since then but I still feel like I don't know how to disagree anymore. I mean when two people disagree and one person has the upper hand there will always be a way for them to tell you how you should have handled something especially when they are annoyed.

I guess I am looking for advice since it does come up a lot with kid issues. Master is a great Dad but he has little girl on the weekends only and he often makes suggestions or comments about how to handle my two when in reality he has no idea what its like to be "on" all the time, much less how different 1 vs 2 children is. To have sports, and school, and shopping and to get home from work at 6 and go to 2 different practices at 2 different locations, one of  the practices at which I am coaching and then do homework and think about lunch the next day and get the kids to bed on time and to then hear his disapproval when they have not showered every night. I admit sometimes when it comes to kids I am make snap comments, I may have corrected my tone but the comments still piss him off.

I guess some part of me does not know how to be a slave and still be annoyed at the same time, it is confusing and I don't like it.

24 comments:

  1. I can't offer any advise on your lifestyle because I am not in that type of arrangement. A suggestion might be that any disagreements about the children are off the table as far as your M/S life is concerned - meaning these disagreements are not punishable offenses. Just a thought and I am sure you will hear many others and better suggestions from those participating in a M/S relationship.

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    1. SG: I do like your idea of taking the children out of the dynamic for punishable offenses and that pretty much has been the case. I just shoudl have watched my mouth a little more. We can chalk this one up to a learning experience.

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  2. Oh this one is soooo difficult! I really wish I had great advice for you, but I'll be coming back in hopes that you got some insightful comments and advice that I can steal for myself.

    I do think that sometimes we make interpretations of what the other person is saying and our interpretations aren't always right. But by the time we realize it, things have escalated.

    I kind of wonder if the secret is in our first response?
    Like, instead of "I can't have them miss their event" something along the lines of "I know. I'm sorry--it really does suck."
    And that kind of response helps avoid a less than desirable response on his part?

    Call me a slow learner, but six years later, and I'm still learning how to disagree. I think when one is the sub/slave, respectful disagreement is key. But it is hard to be respectful when they piss us off!
    Because no matter how we define the dynamic of our relationships, we're all still human.

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    1. lil,

      You are 100% right in the response you suggested. We will be reviewing overall expected behavior next week which I suspect will be reinforced with a canning. Is it strange that I am looking forward to that?

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  3. It sounds like neither of you handled the situation well. Perhaps he didn't appreciate the tone you took with him, but it seems to me that he's the one who escalated things by yelling. A Master/Dom/HOH first needs to be in control of himself. It sounds like he was defensive and took your comment personally and reacted to it without really processing or thinking. I would say that this is something the two of you need to talk about, both the issue of your different approaches to dealing with kids and how disagreements can be handled in the future.

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    1. Thanks Grace, he did apologize for his reaction and it was sincere. Looks like we both have some work ahead of us. He did tell me he is done watching me try to do all the running around with the kids and not letting him help. He said if their Dad is not going to pitch in he is just going to start doing it and I need to deal with it. He is picking one from a practice today while I pick the other one up from another which means I do not have to leave work early today. I am actually relieved and my daughter will be thrilled.

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  4. {{{{hugs}}}} Sorry I have no great advice. Just hugs :)

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    1. Sometimes all you need is hugs, thanks faerie

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  5. Let me give you a male perspective.

    I sometimes, too often, engage my mouth and speak before I comprehend the entire situation. When I sit back and process, I regret the quick response that is driven by emotion. And, feel terrible that I became angry without thinking.

    I suggest that you find a quiet time when you are both together and relaxed and discuss how you can respectfully disagree and be listened to by Master. As lil said, "we're all still human."

    Good M/s relationships are built on mutual trust and respect, good communication makes that possible.

    Hug,
    joey

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    1. Thanks Joey, I think Daddy let this one build up over time and that last comment about the kids was the straw that broke the camels back. We both should have handled that one better, we talked about and I did not get spanked.

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  6. Sounds like you both need to sit down and be calm about it. Like joey said, sometimes guys respond before thinking, actually who doesn't?, and therefore, I would make sure you both have really understood the situation correctly. Also, you both are probably pretty disappointed about not having that evening to yourselves. Who can blame you?

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    1. Yes, we were both pretty dissapointed but Daddy is going to come with me and the kids and then we can put them bed together. He is great with my girls and the oldest one really needs a constant male figure in her life (she is only 9). I just didn't want her Dad to feel outed but he really hasn't tried to see them anyway so I am just going to be more open to him being with the girls.

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  7. Agree with the other comments, however this is all a learning curve, discuss what happened and how it could have been tackled differently and more effectivively, there was from my interpretation fault both sides.

    xx

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    1. Thats exactly what we did and it worked out well. We are feeling stronger because of it.

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  8. No advice here..just sending sympathetic hugs!

    Hugs,
    mouse

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    1. I appreciate your support mouse, just when things seem to get easier, something else comes up. I am learning quickly though and we have been reading your blog together now and it has been helping us get to where we want to be.

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  9. Glad you're working through it! I think it sounds like you're super mom...hugs to you for all that you do:).

    Love,
    Kitty

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    1. Thanks Kitty, most of the time I just feel like one very overwhelmed Mom. I am hoping school coming back in helps with some of that.

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  10. i am a few days late on the subject but i would like to chime in here.

    In every case, He's the boss, you're the slave. It doesn't matter what the subject matter is at least that's how i look at things with Master and i. With this topic being somewhat of a ticking bomb, i definitely would have not only included Him in the decision making process, i would have asked Him how to handle it fairly. You yourself mentioned what a good Dad he is and once the decision is in His lap most generally, you can count on a good Master to make the right decision. All they need is to be considered and of course, control of the situation.

    i think it's because in this case, you were just going to do whatever you wanted to do, period. No matter what He said and i know nothing gets Master riled faster than that.. >snickers< Believe me, i've done it more times than i care to remember. =/

    Should you be punished? >shrugs< Should you be reminded of your place? hehe Do YOU think you should be?

    There is no question you were just trying to love your children. i believe the more you include Him in your decisions, given your current situation, it won't all be smooth sailing, i think there will be fewer white caps! =P

    Big HUGS

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    1. You are 100% right in your response and now that I look back at the situation I can see how I should have handled things differently.

      I was not punished per say but I was definately reminded of my place.....with the cane. That always seem to do the trick doesn't it?

      I appreciate your view point.

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  11. I'm coming late to the party and don't even have good advice. I know the answer is communication, and handing things over to them, but it's darn near impossible for me to hand over decisions about my kids to anyone. But good luck. It sounds, from the comments, like he has decided to pitch in and you've decided to let him. So that's all good.
    -sin

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    1. Thanks, sin. The gilrs seem to be the problem point again, again & again. We have made progress and I know he has all of our best interest at heart, I jsu tneed to accpet it more. I wish I could say I won't fall back into that habit but we will just have to see.

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  12. I am just getting caught up on blogs, but I have to add..how to deal with children seems to be one of the biggest stumbling blocks in submission. We moms are tigers when we think we are right about the kids...so no advice..but you are not alone!

    hugs abby

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  13. What stuck out to me is that he reacted badly. In the role of Dom, there is the ultimate responsibility to be respectful to your sub as well. My man holds himself to very high standards and almost never raises his voice at me.

    Of course they make mistakes, but in a heated moment, its harder for you to remain respectful when he is showing you both anger and disrespect.

    I have not figured out how to be extremely annoyed and continue to always be respectful. I'm more likely to end up spanked! And truly, that sucks.

    Once in awhile I manage to stay calm and give him the benefit of the doubt, expect the best from him- and he comes through beautifully. Its a dance we are perfecting with time :)

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