Knowing what you want is one thing but asking for it can be tougher. Interestingly enough I did not have much trouble asking. Yes, this was a new relationship for me but we have known each other since we were just getting our driver’s licenses and to be honest he had loved me since then, even though I walked away many times.
I knew what I wanted and I asked for it. Pain, humiliation and control, those three words can entail a broad spectrum of activities that one can enjoy. Tie me up, whip me past the point where I have started begging, lead me on a leash and feed me food covered in your seed, have me sleep in a cage at your whim and once we have experienced that I am sure you can come up with some new fun ideas that will keep me guessing.
The more control I got, the more I craved. Wear this, not that, drink this not that, make sure I know where you are going before you go anywhere, you will not have more than 3 drinks when you are not with me…..Yes Master as you wish. Oh this is fun; I am thriving under this type of control….but where does it stop. When is there a line crossed? I sure know when things are getting tough for me but how do I accurately relay that and not cause confusion on his end when he is testing the water as well. I just don’t know.
I want you to control me but I want to tell you how to do it, well that’s not right. That would not make sense to anybody, but we did talk and I let it all out:
I am only human, if you act like a jealous fool and make unnecessary snide immature comments guess what….I am going to act out and when I do act out as a result of your behavior I will not accept punishment for it. You have to master yourself before you can master me.
I have children and friends and a community I am active in, that is not going to change and I will not keep having the same argument over it. I love our time together and I want you with me but if it’s a weekend with your daughter and you think she may have a problem but you decide to come anyway, it’s not my issue. It’s not my fault and I will not be treated badly because she can’t play with a group, take her home instead of trying to find something I did wrong and try to drag me out of there. I will not miss friends birthdays or events because she is here, it is OK for us to do separate things every once in a while. I know how to take care of myself, I made it this far. Not every friend’s husband is out to slip something in my drink and have his way with me while my kids and his kids wife are running around in the background. I understand you feel this will not be an issue when we live together BUT we don’t live together now and I care about now.
I will not stand on the sidelines of sporting events or at the pool and sit on the phone the whole time. I want to watch my kids play and socialize. I will not accept punishment for not calling every two hours. I have kids and I work full time I am busy and they have needs that need to be met, if that means I can’t be a slave then so be it, getting annoyed about it is not going to change the situation and it makes me resentful.
It went on.
He listened, he nodded, he told me to watch my tone when I got a little too enthusiastic about it and yes I needed that. He apologized and told me he would work on it, he understood where I was coming from and he wants to earn my trust back and I want to give it to him. I guess it will take time but I want to give it to him now but I can’t make myself without feeling it first.
I always thought of limits in terms of pain & humiliation and to be honest I like to take those to extremes. I just never thought of having to put them in place when it came to everyday stuff, now I know.