Knowing what you want is one thing but asking for it can be tougher. Interestingly enough I did not have much trouble asking. Yes, this was a new relationship for me but we have known each other since we were just getting our driver’s licenses and to be honest he had loved me since then, even though I walked away many times.
I knew what I wanted and I asked for it. Pain, humiliation and control, those three words can entail a broad spectrum of activities that one can enjoy. Tie me up, whip me past the point where I have started begging, lead me on a leash and feed me food covered in your seed, have me sleep in a cage at your whim and once we have experienced that I am sure you can come up with some new fun ideas that will keep me guessing.
The more control I got, the more I craved. Wear this, not that, drink this not that, make sure I know where you are going before you go anywhere, you will not have more than 3 drinks when you are not with me…..Yes Master as you wish. Oh this is fun; I am thriving under this type of control….but where does it stop. When is there a line crossed? I sure know when things are getting tough for me but how do I accurately relay that and not cause confusion on his end when he is testing the water as well. I just don’t know.
I want you to control me but I want to tell you how to do it, well that’s not right. That would not make sense to anybody, but we did talk and I let it all out:
I am only human, if you act like a jealous fool and make unnecessary snide immature comments guess what….I am going to act out and when I do act out as a result of your behavior I will not accept punishment for it. You have to master yourself before you can master me.
I have children and friends and a community I am active in, that is not going to change and I will not keep having the same argument over it. I love our time together and I want you with me but if it’s a weekend with your daughter and you think she may have a problem but you decide to come anyway, it’s not my issue. It’s not my fault and I will not be treated badly because she can’t play with a group, take her home instead of trying to find something I did wrong and try to drag me out of there. I will not miss friends birthdays or events because she is here, it is OK for us to do separate things every once in a while. I know how to take care of myself, I made it this far. Not every friend’s husband is out to slip something in my drink and have his way with me while my kids and his kids wife are running around in the background. I understand you feel this will not be an issue when we live together BUT we don’t live together now and I care about now.
I will not stand on the sidelines of sporting events or at the pool and sit on the phone the whole time. I want to watch my kids play and socialize. I will not accept punishment for not calling every two hours. I have kids and I work full time I am busy and they have needs that need to be met, if that means I can’t be a slave then so be it, getting annoyed about it is not going to change the situation and it makes me resentful.
It went on.
He listened, he nodded, he told me to watch my tone when I got a little too enthusiastic about it and yes I needed that. He apologized and told me he would work on it, he understood where I was coming from and he wants to earn my trust back and I want to give it to him. I guess it will take time but I want to give it to him now but I can’t make myself without feeling it first.
I always thought of limits in terms of pain & humiliation and to be honest I like to take those to extremes. I just never thought of having to put them in place when it came to everyday stuff, now I know.
Good for you, i bet you feel better for clearing the air and having it all out in the open?
ReplyDeleteEven within M/s relationships there needs to be an understanding that both are on the same page, both aiming towards the same goal.
Personally i couldnt stand for being micro-managed although i appreciate some love it, he trusts me to behave sensibly and according to his preferences which are reasonable.
It can get very suffocating very quickly if its felt that your always on edge wandering if your doing or saying the wrong thing, if its going to wind them up or cause bad feeling, being controlled is a wanderful experience but when it starts to feel stifling rather than feeling secure..thens the time to sit down and talk it out before resentment builds up.
xx
It did feel good to get it all put, now I just have to wait and see what happens. Stifling is the perfect word for how things were (and still am) feeling. I can tell he is trying hard to work on things but I am not sure if it will be that easy.
DeleteYou go girl! With this type of relationship, or really any type of relationship, it is important to be able to communicate, to say what is on your mind, even if he doesn't want to hear it. It is just fair. Good for you!
ReplyDeleteThank you. I tend to get quiet and snippy when things are bothering me and then I just go off at the person that has upset me. Often times they will never know I was upset about something and they are shocked at my outburst. The things I am struggling most with now is that usually after the outburst all is right in my world but I am not feeling that way to much this time.
DeleteI'm happy to hear you're finding what you want and being open about talking about it. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteThanks Riley. I think the road in front of us will be bumpy for a while but for now we are going to keep on truckin down it.
DeleteI give you a lot of credit for having the courage to stand firm on what is really important. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI hope this leads to more communication and a better relationship.
Hug,
joey
It was a tough thing to do but I could tell this was not something my mind was going to let go. I think he had really already come to terms with what the problems were but I needed to say them out loud. We did have a great weekend last weekend but I think time will be the true test.
DeleteKudos to you. You needed to have this conversation with him. Maybe more than once. Communication is the key, keep it going.
ReplyDeleteGood luck. You know what you want and what you need- you can have both in a relationship where both parties are honest with each other.
Yes, I think we will have to revisit this a few more time before it is resolved. Rome wasn't built in a day....at least I know he understand where I am coming from. How he hanldes it now is up to him.
DeleteWe always let life interfere with our relation. And yes, that resulted in things like: "Yes, yes, I'm your little slave as soon as I have time for it, maybe tomorrow, but now I have to go. Bye."
ReplyDeleteIn the beginning I wondered how to react.
But these days, I am proud of how my wife functions in real vanilla life, and I secretly think: "You see, that great woman? The one that can deal with everything and everyone in the world? That's the one who comes home at the end of the day and calls me Master."
It is indeed funny that your limits are not about the slave things, but about the vanilla things.
But without the vanilla things, you would not be you.
It is good that you communicate this. Where else can he find his feedback.
Just like you, he is trying to find this situation where you both are comfortable.
I see how hard it must be for Masters to really wrap thier heads around the slave having other obligations.
DeleteI think it is even harder in our siutation because he does not know what it is like to have school age children that are involved in sports and other activites. He divorced his wife when his daughter was young (too young to have a lot of homework obligations) and she does not do extra curricular activities and they had 1 child. I can tell him these things but really he does not get it. I remember one time I mentioned something about everything I had to do after work and he said "you don't have to go anywhere tonight, what do you mean" and I just thought he was really clueless. I thnk it would be easier for me if he acknowledged he can't possibly understand it that is out of my hands.
I appreciate your last 2 sentences as they remind me I let things go too far without trying to communicate earlier in a respectful way.
Really interesting! I can see how the everyday stuff is the hardest. Life 24/7. Good for you for getting the words out and working towards solutions.
ReplyDeleteThanks Susie, that exactly where we are, working towards the solutions. Where is my easy button?
DeleteCommunication is always good. Hope it makes things better for you.
ReplyDeleteFD
Thanks FD, I should have opened this floodgate earlier. We may have avoided some of this. I see that now.
DeleteIf your relationship with him is 24/7, then it's all the time, everything, all the pieces. That means that all the pieces of both of your lives have to be taken into account. i don't see how it could possibly work otherwise. I'm really glad you made him see the pieces of your life that you have to be able to keep and thrive with. That doesn't mean he can't be let in - it's the opposite - to be part of all of your life, he has to see all of you. It's a huge learning curve, from both sides.
ReplyDeleteYou are 100% correct gg. I think I incorrectly made a lot of assumptions about him really seeing my obligations. I would get annoyed that he would expect me to be on the phone with him right when walking in the door at 6pm after not seeing my girls since before school, when I could have told him why that was not OK. I just thought it was unreasonable and he should know that but really he would have no way of knowing, he does not come home to kids.
DeleteI don't expect everything to be perfect from here on out but at least we are working at it.
I think it's so great that you are exploring all possible boundaries and limits. Like you said, he is 'testing the water' just as you are. What's important is that you keep doing all of this figuring out stuff together:)
ReplyDelete