The Beginning

There are so many wonderful blogs I have read and kept up with that gave me the strength to become comfortable with who I am. I would have liked to follow many from the beginning of the journey and that being the case I thought I should start mine from just that....the beginning. It took me a long time to get here but I am excited for what the future holds.

Monday, January 30, 2012

My Reward

Although I work full time I also volunteer for way too many things that eat up a lot of my time. This weekend I had a banquet to attend for one of the kids sports in which I sit on the Board. My ex-husband helped out a lot this year although he is not on the Board. The subject of the dinner never came up between the two of us and I had assumed he understood he was not my plus 1 and had maybe even forgotten about it (I had actually invited a girlfriend to come with me many months ago).  The evening before the banquet I spoke to the ex and he told me he was planning on attending. I was upset, I didn't want to spend the evening with him but he insisted. He went to a lot of the Board meetings for me when I was doubled up with another volunteer meeting so I really could not argue.  

I had spoke with my love about the banquet earlier on in the month and as the event got closer we discussed just how much I planned on drinking since there was an open bar. (Yes my friends, I am known to enjoy my fair share of beers on occasion). I knew he was not really happy about the thought of me drinking without him but he never asked anything of me and while I would have complied I was waiting for it to come from him before I offered anything up. 

The ex coming changed everything. I wasn’t sure how to deal with this. Do I not mention it? I'm not proud of myself but the thought entered my mind. I would have probably handled it that way in a different relationship. Of course this time that wasn’t an option. I picked up the phone and made the call.  I explained the situation and told him I wouldn't go; it really wasn't a big deal. To my surprise he told me not to let the ex ruin my time and that I had worked really hard for the league and that I should go and enjoy myself but I was absolutely under no circumstances to have too much drink. Three beers was the limit. 

I went to the dinner, had a nice time talking with everyone and stuck with the plan. After having some coffee I politely said my goodbyes (the Brandi was flowing at that point) and called my love to let him know I was leaving and I was sober. It was about 10 pm and I knew he had to get up for work at 5am. Earlier we had talked about meeting up after the dinner but he sounded tired and had pulled a muscle in his neck (I think at lunch) and I didn't want to ask too much from him. I had also called about an hour earlier to let him know I would leave by 10. To my delight he had driven up to my town and was parked at the park & ride to waiting  for me. 

I parked my car and jumped in his truck all smiles. We drove to a secluded area and talked for a while until we started kissing. I can feel the slow changes in him and it makes me catch my breath. He grabs a fistful of hair from my scalp that makes me yelp and pulls my head down so I am looking up into his face as he kisses me. There is a new look in his eyes that lets me know I am his and this is going his way.... and then my head is in his lap and he is in my mouth and he's saying things to me, reducing me to only want to serve him in the most primitive ways and when he’s finished he pulls me up by my hair and I am totally content to just put my head on his shoulder and be but he has other plans. 

He's all over me, biting, twisting, squeezing, pulling, fingering & entering every part of my body he can. I'm whimpering and groaning and trying to push my ass back to let his fingers go feel him double penetrate me with his hands. He’s pinning me down to the seat forcing me to stare him in the eyes and my whole body is jerking  and he nods at me and then I just let it all go until I'm not capable of moving at all.  I'm sweating and panting and he looks over at me and says "We are definitely exploring that more" and at that particular moment I was so happy to have made that phone call earlier in the morning. I know it seems strange to relate the two but I think he drove out to me because of it and even if that was not the reason I would have been too guilty to enjoy myself with him. I would have been watching what I said to cover my tracks. It would be the exact opposite of what this is supposed to be and I want to give myself completely and I hope that I can achieve it. I feel like I am on the right track.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

He Snapped!

On Friday we had another great lunch and it was very hard to go back to work. I was even lucky enough to get a few playful but stingy whacks with his belt which was really just a tease because I have not even had a hand spanking yet. Maybe he was testing me to see if I really wanted what I was asking for, but I think my reaction said it all.

The best thing about Friday lunch was that I knew we were going to see each other again it a few hours, we were going out with 2 of the kids. My oldest and his only were going to be meeting for the first time. They had heard a lot about each other and were excited to meet. We were both a little nervous but we were taking them to one of the arcades where you get all the tickets and cash them in at the end.

The kids were having a blast but were getting hungry. We found the only available table which was a 6 top and sat down to order only to be told since we were only a party of four we had to move. I immediately said I would walk around to try and find another and as I suspected he was going to find a Manager.

I found a table and sat with the two kids and they were giggling and watching people playing games. I was sitting closest to his child when he walked over so he stood in between us at the table. I said "Here sit down and I'll move over to next seat" and he said he was fine but I continued "Why stand when there are 4 seats" and started to get up when he looked me dead in the eye (which always does something to me), snapped his fingers and pointed back at the seat for me to sit. I know my eyes blinked and my head jerked that fraction of inch when some one has just shocked you or thrown you off guard. I'm not sure if he saw it because I simultaneously shut my mouth and sat back down.

I knew how I thought I should feel about this......pissed, right?  I'm not a dog, I wasn't being argumentative (well he later said I was being stubborn) and if anybody else ever did that to me I would give them a piece of my mind for sure. Instead I felt content and well I was glad he did it and I realized I had been struggling a bit. Sure I was thrilled the kids were instant friends but it was different. I couldn't lean over the arm rest on the way over to lay my head on his shoulder while he drove (that always makes me feel very submissive). I couldn't wait after I walked thru a door he held open for me to fall a step behind him before walking again. Sure most of the time  he reaches back to grab my hand or to put his hand on the small of back and I take that as the signal to "catch up" but it is his signal. The snap grounded me, it made it all better, it made me happy.

How did this happen? I wanted the physical stuff fast, he said no....we have to go slow or it won't work. That made sense. I had wanted this for a long time. I had time to research and think about it. I started reading Mouse before any thing else. He was still processing that part, reluctant at first. How can he cause pain or humilate someone he cares about? 

I didn't expect the emotional stuff to hit me like this, I never even really considered it. Did I like his control yes, but I never expected to need it like this so quickly. It's beautiful and scary all at once and I don't think there is any turning back now.

Friday, January 27, 2012


I work a Mon-Friday 8:30-5 (or whenever the heck I can get out) stressful job with an average commute. He works longer days but has off two week days. On those days we quickly fell into a pattern of him coming to see me at lunch. Sometimes we would run errands, sometimes we just sit in the truck and talk, kiss and pet and either way we were just really happy to see each other.

Then one day lunch changed. We spoke the night before and he told me to wear a skirt. He drove around before he picked me up and found a place we could park. I was anxious, I felt like a kid in high school (kind of ironic since we went to homecoming together over 20 yrs ago) he made me relax and we enjoyed each other.... a lot. This was before the talk, sure I hinted at what I wanted and I think he knew but no real talk yet.

Now on days when we get lunch. I am always excited, aroused and I can't concentrate, work is hard. Then it happened, the email. I will be there soon but until I get there I want you to discreetly rub yourself under the desk and I want to taste it on your fingers as soon as you get in the car. I panic, seriously, I'm in a cube, this is going to be tough but the thought of not listening never even once crossed my mind. I respond to let him know I'm obeying. No immediate response then "slowly move your fingers in a twirling motion and go deeper. OK, at least its lunch time and not too many people are at their desk but it's getting tough. Eventually I email back (typing with one hand) When are coming? Don't ask me again I'll be there when I get there. I was stunned and I waited for what felt like an eternity and it was, 64 minutes to be exact. The email Here. I immediately walk out of the building and get it in the car, he asks for my hand and slowly sucks on my fingers and we start to drive to our spot.

Get in the back he tells me and I quickly scramble over the seat and we play but he's different. He's rough, he's grabbing my hair and shoving himself in my mouth and I'm gagging and he's telling me to take more and it's well its just bliss. Eventually we settle down and I'm laying with my head in his lap and I know I have to go to work soon but not before he takes my underwear and tells me to enjoy the rest of my day.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

How it all begins for me

For me the beginning of something new is always exhilarating. There is both excitement and fear in all of it whether it is a new job, a new home or a new relationship. The beginning of accepting what I want and not being afraid to ask for it is no different. Asking actually came easy to me for some reason, although I am not sure why. Perhaps it was the extensive reading of many blogs and the two wonderful people I reached out to that were free with advice (not sure if it is proper to name them here, but I would love to say thank you in a public forum) and reassured me my feelings were ok and would not go away. All of sudden it became so crystal clear.

There he was. Someone from long ago. He loved me before, put me on a pedestal, would have done anything in the world for me but I was too young and wild to want it. There were bands to follow, new drugs to try and a whole world out there....and off I was.

Back to now - 20 years later, a chance meeting months ago, totally unexpected. A kiss that ignited things in me that I couldn't explain. Kids, work all those things force us to take things slow, a dinner here, a movie there but I noticed things....a hand on the small of my back, a directing hand, a silent "I want you to walk here" signal. It's the hand grasping the back of my hair for a kiss goodnight that positions my whole body the way he wants it and it makes me quiver. It's the directive to call me before you leave work and call me when you get home. It’s the good night call after the kids are in bed with the inevitable "you sound tired as soon as we hang up turn out the lights and go to bed" command. It's just who he is and it is just what I need, but what about the rest? How do you say this is good but I want more and you probably need to know now? Well I did it and I did it big, I laid it all out on the line and I was graphic and he wasn't shocked and he didn't run and he held me and he told me we need to go slow and we would grow into it and it would be everything I want and maybe a little more....and later he told me exactly what he wanted me to wear the next time we were going to see each other overnight and it was perfect.