The Beginning

There are so many wonderful blogs I have read and kept up with that gave me the strength to become comfortable with who I am. I would have liked to follow many from the beginning of the journey and that being the case I thought I should start mine from just that....the beginning. It took me a long time to get here but I am excited for what the future holds.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

My ankle got me spanked/collar opinion

Yes, I know the title of this post is all over the place but I have a story to tell and I need your opinion so just go with it.

Last Spring I broke my ankle over the weekend and pretty much acted like nothing happened until the following Monday when I finally dragged myself in for an x-ray and to face the fact that I would need to be in a cast for the beginning of the Summer. I hate casts and pretty much only wore it for about 3 weeks before taking it off on my own at home and letting things ride. Yes, I got the typical warnings from many friends but just smiled and said I was doing just fine, until I broke the same ankle again in December. The injury was much worse but I was just as stubborn and actually refused a hard cast and made due with a soft brace and lots of rest. Needless to say I rolled my ankle twice since then and actually tore a tendon not to long ago, the pain was so intense I had no choice but to call Daddy from work and tell him what happened. Of course, he rushed to my work and took me back to the Doctor refusing to sit in the waiting room so he could here what the Dr. had to say first hand. He smiled at me smugly as the Dr. went on about physical therapy, daily exercises and flats for the next 8 weeks. These were all things I were told back in December with the exception that at that time I still had the ability to No and to be quite honest I exercised that right freely. I held back tears as the Dr. went on and just knew I had no choice but to follow the directions I was being given.

Daddy and I spoke about it at length, I bargained, begged and pleaded but he shut me down every time. Then one day he caved......a little. I had to wear the brace we purchased everyday until bed time, no wedges and the daily exercises provided must be done but I did not have to endure the actual physical therapy appointments if I kept up with everything else. No problem, thank you Sir!

The work days get busy, the kids need to be driven places and lo and behold the first thing to get pushed aside each night is the exercises. To be quite precise I had only done them twice since we came to an agreement. Daddy mentioned it from time to time but did not outright ask about it and pretty much let it go. Unfortunately the more he let it go the more I put it out of my head (just ignore it and it will surely go away).

Now it's no secret that I have been getting spanked a lot lately. I could actually count the days I have not been spanked over the last two weeks with one hand and a few fingers to spare, but things were looking up. I did not get spanked on Monday and we were both really busy with life so there was no way I could screw anything up. I settled into bed that evening while on the phone with Daddy and there came the question.

When was the last time you did your ankle exercises?

Then I got a nice long lecture about trust, broken promises, him wanting to be able to run with me and the kids on the beach and disappointment. It made me feel like crap. I started thinking about all the nights we sat on the phone when I could have easily been sitting on the edge bed doing what he asked for my own damn good.

Skip to Tuesday and me bare bottomed over his knee, again. The spanking was really fast with absolutely no time to adjust between spanks. I was moving a lot but it was over in the blink of an eye. I tried to lay there for a minute to catch my breath but he wanted me dressed and sitting as soon as possible..."no comfort" he said curtly and then I just lost it. I was hysterical, almost hyperventilating. I crawled onto his lap and he stroked my hair and he asked me to stop crying and then he said it hurt him as much as it hurt me and he didn't like to punish me (not really sure about that) and he just talked to me until I calmed and all was right with the world.

Tada, guess who did their ankle exercises last night.

Anyway, later on we were talking and shopping on line. We were looking at fun stuff like clamps, beds and stocks and all of sudden he pulled up a collar pictured below. He asked if I liked it and told me it was something he would like to buy for me to wear all the time as a symbol of our Owner/Slave relationship. I have to say I am truly touched by the sentiment and would be more than happy to wear this full time. I am not quite sure it will get me spanked any less but I did get the feeling that he thought it would help me stay more on task when he could not be with me.

I do like this collar but I am wondering if the ring gives it away too much for the professional work setting. I personally think, if you don't know, you wouldn't know and if you do know then you probably won't care too much .... but please let me know your thoughts.

Friday, April 20, 2012

A week of up, downs and spankings

I have not been blogging, this week has had crazy up and downs with the ex. On top of that I have been experiencing some nasty PMS. Yesterday I just lost it and here is the email I got this morning:

Good morning my beautiful lil girl. I hope you slept well and had a good morning so far. I love you very deeply babygirl.

The attitude and tones were very bad yesterday. And you topped it off last night. I guess you already knew you were in trouble. I will tell you how to approach things in the future w/o just getting an attitude and switching to a totally different person. That isn't the lil girl I know and love. Today will be the roughest yet honey. No delay.

I love you my baby.

Needless to say I am not happy about this at all. Deep down I know I deserve it but I don't feel sorry for how I acted. He irritated me and I am still quite a bit irritated. I hope this helps me get over it. I guess I'll let you know.

Now for an update on the daily maintenance. We fell a bit off schedule which perhaps did not help things.

Monday started with a punishment spanking for losing my temper with one of the girls and then snapping at him when he tried to calm her down. It wasn't a big deal but I did raise my voice which is absolutely banned when speaking to anybody ever. I grew up in NYC and I am Italian so yelling in my family is a pretty common occurrence (we yell at each other 1 second and then we are laughing the next) so I am struggling with this one a bit but working on it. The punishment was pretty light and really only consisted of about 10 hand smacks at full force. I must admit I was pretty surprised when he told me I could get up and we could go about our day just goofing around and having a ton of silly fun together, it was great.

The second Monday spanking was an entirely different experience. To be honest I don't really remember how it started but the spoon with the slots in the middle was used several times as well as the leather strap. I remember thinking that I chose a bad position because I was having a hard time staying still even with his hand on my back but we are still learning and I will chose more wisely from now on. The leather strap handle has metal grommets on it and once I started moving too much he started using the handle part to strike with which was pretty stingy. That spanking was pretty intense but I was extremely turned on by his show of dominance and couldn't keep myself away from him after that. He commanded me to sit on his face when we were done and I happily complied until I was sweaty wheezing mess totally unaware of any soreness which was quite prominent later in the day.

Monday night was when everything went really bad with the ex. He showed up at one the girls practices and made a huge scene, the girls were hysterical crying and embarrassed in front of their friends. A few bystanders just told me to get in car and go and luckily my close girlfriend was there so the kids could keep practicing (they had calmed down and just walked away after a while). It was the best advice they could have given as he stopped after I left and the girls went back to playing like nothing happened. Unfortunately when I picked them back up it started all over again and he was asked to leave the school property. There was another instance earlier in the week in which he physically tried to force himself on me so Tuesday there was no spanking since Master felt the need to try and get the severity of the situation into my head via some long talks.

Wednesday maintenance was also done by hand and was longer than some punishments spankings but it was quite the stress reliever and brought us really close together which was what I really needed. We held each other close and tight and he whispered how precious I was to him for a long time and until I stopped shaking. We had a wonderful night with the girls, laughing and playing and taking their mind off of all the craziness that is going on in the background. Master is so good with my girls and watching them together gives me a sense of true peace I have not felt in a long time. It's nice to see my older daughter light up at a male role model that treats her kindly and just allows her to be a kid. Saying goodbye was hard but we both had to go so only one spanking that day.

Yesterday as you can tell from the email I pasted into the beginning of this post was rough. Master feels like I am not taking the behavior of my ex to heart because of my past experience in a very long bad relationship I was in right before my marriage. In a way he is right, there is nothing my ex would do that is worse than what I have been through before so perhaps I am not taking things as serioulsy has he thinks I should. He kept pushing the issue and after a while I was tired of it and caught a HUGE attitude. I pretty much told him saying the same thing ten different ways was not going to change my mind and he needed to stop....that he couldn't control my feelings and these were his opinions, not fact. I know I should have just kept my mouth shut but he kept on me for hours and I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt like he was trying to break me down to get me face some things that I am not ready to talk about yet.  He was very very mad at me and hence there was no way he could spank with all those emotions going on. 

So that brings us all the way around to this morning (sorry it took me so long to get here) with a punishment spanking looming over my head. One that I deserve but I'm annoyed about which has me confused because this is what I asked for. I can't wait to see Daddy and melt into his arms but at the same time I feel like my attitude was justified because he was harping on me too much. I also feel like this is not the right attitude for me to have and I need to snap out of it. I know this makes no sense but yet here I am......maybe I'll just focus on Saturday night....babysitter, dinner a few margaritas and some snuggling.  Yep that's what I am going to do for now.

Sorry I have not been commenting so much but I will be.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Twice a day, every day for 10 days!

Not sure what I got myself into here but the title of my post says it all.

I call Master every night as soon as I get in bed. The ritual is that we talk on the phone until he decides I need to go to sleep, it is understood that I should not protest nor should I initiate the request to go to sleep. Some evenings I have to go to bed earlier then I would prefer but usually I wake up the next morning feeling really good and I am grateful I was sent to sleep when I was.

Tuesday night was a bit different. Spring sports and girl scouts for both my girls is in full swing and I am leader of both their troops plus I work full time.  My weekend is inundated with practices, two separate girl scout functions and birthday parties. Master was getting testy because my time would be limited due to all these obligations. I mean really testy and to be honest I was totally annoyed by it. I am certainly not going to make a change to all the things my girls are doing because I have entered into this M/s dynamic and I really didn't feel like hearing is attitude when I had to get up early for work the next day.  Really I know he does  not expect me to withdraw my girls from things they like, he loves my girls. I know I should be grateful that he cares about me enough that it affects him so much when I am busy  and that he was just disappointed but I was not feeling it at that moment.

I am tired Sir, I need to go to bed

I was waiting for that to come, fine

I love you, Sir

I love you too, goodnight

So we got off the phone and then of course I could not sleep but I did eventually drift off unsettled.

Yesterday he left his daughter still on Spring break with his Mom and came to my work. I was surprised because they have been coming to see me together since school is out. He was in a much better mood and gave me a big smile and a wonderful kiss as I climbed in the truck and then he drove to a secluded area where we usually hang out for the hour I have.

Once we parked he climbed into the back seat which is usually a pretty good indicator I am getting spanked. Come on he said and patted the seat next to him. I did climb in the back as he asked what implement I thought he should use today. Silence. (Note to self when you get to choose make a damn decision). OK he said and out comes that paddle from my sorority days. I climbed over his lap dress up, panties down and he was brutal from the very first hard smack (thanks for the warm up, Sir)  and it went on like that for quite some time, hitting the same spot, switching sides and getting the sit spot so low that my lips were throbbing too. I have never had a spanking that hard. I was moving all around, the ouches were flowing and I even put my hand back to cover myself (not a good idea, I won't be doing that again).  After he was done with the paddle I got about 10 hand swats on the sit spot to drive his point home.

Once he was done he placed me on my knees in front of him so I was wedged in between the back of the front seat and the back seat itself. Once in between his open knees he allowed me to worship his cock ....this is by far something I always crave after a spanking though it was tough this time because I was still shaky and in that space that I go to whenever I get dished out a good amount of pain. When he was satisfied I stayed between his legs for quite some time just laying there at his feet as he played with my hair. Eventually he lifted me up onto the seat and buried his head between my legs and once again assaulted the inside of my thighs until I was crying and cumming all at the same time.

We held each other for a long time and then he pulled out a sandwich he had made for me so I wouldn't go with out eating (which I would have) and we sat together for a while just enjoying the presence of each other.

After work and later in the evening the girls were watching a move and we slipped out to the bar/sunporch area to smoke a cigarette.

How's your bottom? 

Bruised and pink.

How sore is it?

A little, but not bad.

That's unfortunate, I wanted you to be sore, I was annoyed at your behavior last night. 

I know but I guess I have a tough butt?

Well it would appear you need more to get it so let's just go with twice a day every day for 10 days. 

Huh , I thought we decided against regular spankings and now you are going with twice a day?

I changed my mind, problem?  

No Sir

Watch your mouth little slave girl

Yes Sir

And then we went back inside and finished watching the movie with the kids. At least we can't start until after this weekend. Gives a girl something to think about for sure. And of course today I am very sore, it just took a day to sink in!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012


I am going through some changes, they are not exactly comfortable. It's Master all the time in my head, invading my thoughts, my every gesture. I start to feel wrong if we can't see each other, like a panic attack is right around the corner. When I don't feel his control I get antsy and when that happens I clam up. When we talk on the phone I get quiet, I get scared, I don't want him to know how much it gets to me when we can't be together so I put even more space between us. I am not sure why I do that, he knows how I feel anyway so why piss me him off.?

Then yesterday when I woke up I was feeling better. I remember laying in bed half asleep and the first thought that popped in my head was I am owned by my Master. It was like a mantra I kept repeating and it settled me. As I was getting ready for work there were all these little reminders. I noticed the dark bruises on the inside of my thighs in the shape of his teeth, I stopped shaving at my upper thighs since I had been told to let my pubic hairs grow in, I didn't blow dry my hair straight since he likes the natural curl I wore in high school, something I have not done since I was living off the land and seeing music in three different states a week (unless the Grateful Dead were on a 5 day run in one place). I wore a dress instead of pants since he has asked for that from now on. When I was leaving I double checked for my phone and my asthma inhaler, things I never checked for before, if I had them I had them if not it wouldn't be the end of the world. As I was doing all this I realized he is there, he may not be physically present but he is there, directing me, molding me to what he wants, to do small things that will make him happy.

Then yesterday he drove out to me, I was surprised since we had no time, between the two of us the kids are 6, 7, & 8 and yesterday was the last day before school goes back into session, we both had a ton to do. We went to a private area and he looked at me as he slipped off his belt,

You know I love you and that you can't distance from me, right? He sits down

I know, I feel better today. I was just tired and cranky last night. 

Come on, get over my lap. 

No staring.

Come on hand gesture from him.

I climb across his lap, dress down, panties on.....why should I help him? He pulls up my dress and my panties down and spanks me hard with the belt, making sure each slaps lands in the exact same spot as before (how does he have such good aim). I do a good job staying still and trying not to cry until he is done but when he pulls my panties back up the waterworks start to fall and I am clinging to him for dear life and he just holds me and rocks back and forth until I calm down. Once I am calm he starts rubbing between my legs and eventually  I beg him to slip his fingers inside me which he does and I am moving against his fingers, my eyes closed as he unexpectedly starts slapping the inside of my thighs with his free hand until I explode and his hand his soaked and the inside of my legs are worse off then my red bottom.

He stands up and tells me has to go....his whole visit shorter than the time it takes him to drive to me and back home. We share a drawn out goodbye and take comfort in the fact that we will get to see each other for lunch tomorrow (which is now today).

When I wake up this morning the first thought that pops into my mind is I am owned by my Master and as I sit here typing not able to cross my legs because of the welts on the inside of my thighs, I don't think I will forget that again anytime soon.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Do you have your phone?

Six months ago I would have never imagined how much distress these five words could cause. The minute I hear them I panic, my mind immediately goes to me over his knee or bending over something else ass bare and paddled or whipped and crying. I realize the logical reaction is for me to just look for the damn phone which I do have 99.9% of the time. Admittedly just a few weeks earlier I probably would have only had the phone  75% of the time but hey it's progress.

Then yesterday I really, really screwed up. To start off I didn't do something Master had been asking me to do for a while. I was avoiding it because it was uncomfortable and time consuming and that is just how I sometimes usually handle these things. He called me at work and told me to send him back the list he had originally sent me and next to each line item he wanted a Yes or No as to if it was done. If it was a NO he wanted it in bold letters and marked with exclamation point. Joy! I hesitantly sent it back quickly realizing there was not a hell of a lot done. The reply..... disappointed little girl. In our dynamic disappointment = punished. Wonderful.

We talked a few times after that and much to my surprise it appeared I was getting off the hook, I was just to get it done and we would move on. What? OK. I worked late and then had to run to the store to prepare for the much anticipated arrival of the Easter Bunny. My daughter called to ask me to hurry, she did not want to be with her dad (the ex) any longer than necessary and while talking to her that is when I heard it....the beep of a dying battery, Lovely. (My car outlet is currently not working).

I knew Master would freak....

1. My daughters were with the ex and if you have been reading you know the ex is not very good with one of the girls. Master paces until he knows she is returned unharmed.

2. I had to go pick them up at his house and he would have no way of getting a hold of me to make sure all hell did not break loose when I picked up the kids.

Crap! I called and could still hear the irritation in his voice from my misstep earlier in the day Here is how it went:

Hi Daddy, I am still at Walmart but I am leaving soon.

You're still there? Have you talked to the girls? 

Yes, "A" is upset I'm taking so long but I am going to check out in a minute. I just wanted to let you know my battery is dying and the phone won't be working for to much longer. I'm re

Irritation pouring through the phone......Did you lose the phone charger I gave you for your desk at work?  

No, I jus

Are you testing me? Do you not care about anything I ask you do to do? What is going on with you. You could end up on the side of the road with no way to get in touch with any one, he could freak out on you when you pick up the kids and you have no way of getting help. Fine, good luck with all that! 


I dialed again hoping the phone would last a couple of more seconds, simultaneously fighting back tears, temper rising.

I am sorry I let the battery die, it was a mistake, you are being unreasonable (Yes people I actually said that) I can't believe you just hung up on me. What the hell is your problem? (Yep, said that too).

I cannot even give a play by play of the rest of the conversation because to be honest he was so irate I think I blocked it all out. I know I didn't say much else and I knew I was in some serious trouble. I remember him telling me he loved me before we hung up but I also remember thinking I was in for it.

I picked up the girls and went back to my house and here is the email I had:

lil girl

You came to me and wanted to explore something that was deep inside you. Something that was strong and powerful. Feelings of desire that u said you never had. Emotions and desires of something that would give me a power over you. have u obey and for me to direct....for me to love you and keep you secure. Protect you from anyone and everybody. To help you. Out of love and trust. To not abuse it or take advantage of it, but to create a smooth path into a somewhat rare relationship.
My position is supposed to make you feel secure, happy, content, trusting, loved, taken care of and many other good things; All out of respect for you. The immense respect I have for you as a person and for your body.

I don't ask much. As a matter of fact, I've been pretty lenient. I've considered all circumstances involved and tried to give u room to wiggle amongst the stress you have on your shoulders.
But when I just ask the simplest things, it upsets me. And it comes across as anger, but it hurt that what I say seems like it is not important enough to remember. And that's where the breakdown comes in. 

Yes you called me and told me. But the point is that it is an ongoing thing. Its a simple thing to remember my lil girl. Calling and telling me doesn't excuse the fact of it. Telling me I'm unreasonable isn't the right thing to say. 

If u are having second thoughts about what we are doing, then say it. cuz I'm all in now and you will have to be too. I love you very much babygirl. 

I replied through my tears and assured him this was what I wanted. We talked on the phone and then we talked in person. There is no punishment for the past 24 hours but moving forward there is no more wiggle room....apparently I hang myself with too much wiggle

For now on you will be ruled with an iron fist grounding/restrictions of certain liberties/lines its all the table. Those by themselves will be rare but coupled with something else because I know it will be more effective if  I do that and handle it the way I did before. (side note: before was not fun  and was due to my mouth, not the phone)

Yes Sir.

You know something else sometimes when you don't call me Daddy or Sir, I think you are not your inching away, but since we started talking about this, you haven''s unacceptable. I am your Owner.

Yes Sir.

I love you.

I love you too, Sir.

OK, let's move on.

And that's where we are today. Just in time for the new triple leather strap to arrive in the mail and I feel ....

Very content, obedient and lucky and yes I know where my phone is. .