The Beginning

There are so many wonderful blogs I have read and kept up with that gave me the strength to become comfortable with who I am. I would have liked to follow many from the beginning of the journey and that being the case I thought I should start mine from just that....the beginning. It took me a long time to get here but I am excited for what the future holds.

Friday, October 19, 2012

There has been a lot of progress going on over here and it has taken form in all sorts of ways. We have been talking, laughing, arguing, negotiating, crying (well that‘s been just me) and cuddling.
We have had some tough issues to get through and I have to say a lot of these could have been avoided if we had stepped into this a bit more slowly. Sure we were not strangers when we chose to go down this path and we dated for a while first but I don’t think Master really got to see how my everyday life works before we decided to have rules in place. I don’t think he fully understood the demands of raising 2 children of elementary school age on your own and as a result he wanted more than I could give. We have gotten through this and the more he can see of my nightly struggles routine the more he jumps in to help, and even demands to help when I try to do it all on my own. Accepting the help has been difficult for me and sometime requires correction but we are making progress there too.
I finally dealt with the big elephant in the room which was interactions with my ex. This was really tough for both of us and spanned over a few days. Some conversations heated and some not. Master just could not understand how something this big needed to be out of his realm of his control of me and for whatever reason I had a hard time expressing myself. But alas, I did and it all came down to trust (imagine that). I don’t like the relationship Master has with his ex, it’s riddled with anxiety and nastiness (not from him alone) and it’s not healthy. If I can avoid having that relationship with my ex I will. If the ex needs a favor and I can do that for him I will because he is the father of my children and while things did not work out for us, he is not a horrible person and he his hurt. I don’t trust Master to have an unbiased opinion in this situation and because of that it needs to come off the table. As you can imagine this was hard for him to hear, he fought me on it, said this was not a game, I don’t get to pick and choose what he controls. Finally when he really heard me (and saw the resolve on my face) he agreed but then he started coming up with these crazy specific situations that he would have control over and I just kept repeating “When it comes to the ex, we can discuss it and I will always listen to what you have to say because I value your opinion but the final decision is mine, there is no veto power here”. It took hours but he got it and although I am sure there will be some disagreements from this arrangement I am feeling much more secure in what we are doing here.
I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I feel more relaxed and eager to please him and in turn he has been more relaxed. Don’t get me wrong my rules are my rules and I am happy to have them but the tone of “us” has changed. Its’ the simple things that are making a huge difference. When he picks up the phone with that gruff “hello” and I respond “Hi Daddy” I hear his voice soften which in turn makes me want to address him they way he likes it even more. I used to get annoyed when he would constantly remind me to address him properly, but really wasn’t it up to me to address him properly in the first place. Yes it is and I will.  
I screwed up yesterday; I forgot my phone at home. I have a 45 minute commute and a very bad leak in my car that I have been putting off getting fixed. I was so disappointed with myself when I reached in my purse to make my daily on the way work call to him and realized I didn’t have it. I knew he would be stressing out about my safety when he did not get the call. I emailed him when I got to work and told him what happened, he was surprised I had forgotten and told me we would discuss it a lunch but then we went on to other things and he told me he loved me. I did receive a hairbrush (yeah, he broke out the wood for this repeated offense) punishment spanking at lunch that left me in tears but he held me close after until I was Ok and then proceeded to switch cars with me so I would not get stuck on the way home without a phone if the car craps out. Guess, whose car is also going in the shop tomorrow?
Last night, once we got the girls fed and settled I did not fight with Master when he insisted on doing the dishes. I sat on the floor and played with my girls like he so often encourages me to do. I struggled (internally) with it at first but I didn't pout and once I was with the girls I really enjoyed myself. I started getting really sore after sitting on the floor (that hairbrush can be brutal) and asked if I could change into sweatpants and take off my ankle brace. The smile I got along with his nod was priceless and it really felt like everything was as it should be.
I so often forget to ask permission for the smallest things even when informed the better I am the easier he will be on me and the more liberties I will earn.
Later that evening I was able to watch my favorite show at his feet as I instinctively massaged and licked his calves while he petted my hair. Even later that evening he rewarded me in many others ways. My bottom is not the only thing sore today.
Have a great weekend.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Wood Withdrawal? New implement

Yes folks, I am still in wood withdrawal and I have 20 more days to go. I did some research on our cane and it is actually made out of Rattan  so no reprieve there. I did get a nice bamboo caning yesterday but while it broke the tiniest part of the skin there was really no after effects so it did not quite cut it.

So to cure what ails me I purchased a new implement pictured above. It says the twisted delrin rods covered in paracord gives some awesome whipping action and delivers the pain and sting you need to give the bottom a real pain rush.

It should be here tomorrow. Has anybody used one these before? I'll let you know how I am doing after the weekend.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Writing lines

Yes folks, that is how I will be spending my free time (ha!) this week. It's not too bad only 50 each. the crazy thing I set myself up! He asked what I thought he would say I had to work on, he wanted 5 things so I gave them to him. The he gave me the sentences:

I will not be argumentative when Master makes a comment or decision, Master has the final say in all manners.

I will not be defiant when given a directive from Master. There is no room for defiance in our relationship and I will be punished accordingly.

I will be softer in my interactions with Master, as it is through my actions that I can show my Master my willingness to please and defer to him.

I will always listen to Master and think things through before answering Master when discussing an important issue. I cannot properly hear what Master is saying when tyring to speak over him or without giving myself time to think about what Master is saying.

I will do my best to remain calm when I become upset. My behavior is a direct reflection on Master as I am his owned slave.

How is this annoying but kind of exciting at the same time? It gives a girl something to think about for sure.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Well I thought I won the bet but …………………….

Daddy and I are both huge football fans. Our teams are rivals in the NFC East and we both have a great deal of fun making wagers and playfully ribbing each other on. Our teams have already played each other this season and before the game started Daddy asked if I cared to make a bet. Of course I did. I always think these wagers are a little one sided, I mean  Daddy can do whatever he wants to me whenever he feels like it but it’s still fun for me so I never point that out. I thought long and hard about what I would get if I won the bet and finally decided on no wood implements for a full month. Daddy hesitated a moment before agreeing and I could barely contain my excitement over the thought of no sorority paddle, brush or spatula spoon for a whole month. Yes I was sadly giving up the bamboo cane which I LOVE but I still felt that far outweighed the benefits of having the other three items out of his arsenal for a while.
My team won by the skin their teeth and so my month of wood free spankings began. Yay!
Many of you may remember the pretty severe belt whipping I received as punishment a few weeks back. It was horrible and the bruises just finally faded a few days ago. That particular punishment was delivered in the basement while I was bent over naked and grabbing a support pole in the middle of the room.  The reason for the punishment was not something I agreed with and we have been working on many issues since then BUT the thing is I can’t get that incident out of mind. I get aroused thinking about it and while I don’t want to be punished I have craved the instruction to visit the basement again ever since. This weekend I got my wish twice.
Daddy was the first to bring it up when he sent me an email telling me this weekend he was going to spank me with his belt and he wanted me on the pole or up against the wall. I replied by fessing up that I had been craving another visit to the pole even though I knew I would hate it at the time (not as much as punishment though since I knew it would not all be directed at my thighs as punishment often is).
Sunday we found ourselves with a short ten minute opportunity and I slowly walked down the stairs as instructed cursing myself for being such a damn spanko. Daddy took his role quite seriously and pushed me past the point of begging/crying for him to stop into quiet acceptance and when finished my bottom was a lovely warm temperature and my thighs were soaked. I was even lucky enough to get a few belt imprints left behind. We had to rush out to pick up children and as I knelt in front of Daddy he told me he would have liked to continue but knew we had to go. I had agreed I would have liked more as well and off we went.
Once back home I started cleaning and had consolidated some electrical cords so one extension cord was no longer needed. I wrapped it up and was getting ready to put it away when Daddy looked at me and asked me where that came from. I explained what I had done and while looking at the cord my damn curiosity got the best of me and I raised my eyebrow at Daddy while slapping the cord against my hand. Daddy reached out his hand for the cord and with the girls occupied we headed back downstairs.
Assume the position Daddy stated as he looped the thick cording in half and took a couple of practice swings so he could get a feel for how it would land. This is probably going to wrap around your body; I think you are going to be begging for a wooden implement shortly my slave Daddy says as the first blow lands in that very sensitive area where butt meets thigh. I was shocked by how heavy it the cord was and by how much it stung. Around the 7th strike which was to my back I jumped off the pole and into Daddy’s arms as I told him I changed my mind. He laughed at the audacity of my statement and calmed me a bit before bending me back over and guiding my hands back to grip the pole for support. I waited knowing damn well I would have been extremely disappointed if he had actually let me get up. With each blow of the electrical cord I moved shamelessly but managed to stay on that pole until I was hit squarely in between my legs. The sting down below was shocking and before even thinking I grabbed myself and knelt to the floor trying to manage the pain which actually subsided pretty quickly.
Get back in position Baby Girl, Daddy instructed and he began to run his fingers over the welts on my back and between my legs. I was extremely sore and yet wanted nothing more than his fingers to caress my soaked lips, the pain and pleasure mixing together, making me dizzy. Daddy withdrew his touch and started in with the cord again leaving me wishing that I had been restrained so it would be easier to keep still. Finally I found that calm space and started moaning as each strike landed on my body leaving me wanting the next one even more. I almost didn’t notice Daddy had stopped until I felt his grip in my hair bringing me to my knees so I could take him in my mouth. He held the back of my head as he thrust himself inside me over and over again leaving me breathless, gagging and struggling to keep my mouth open as much as possible.  I wanted so badly to taste him to feel his pleasure inside me and I fought him as I felt him lift me up by my hair and guide me back over to my original position. You are lucky you did such a good job coating my cock slave Daddy whispered in my ear as he simultaneously pulled my head back and thrust himself deep in between my ass cheeks enjoying the yelp of pain his penetration caused. He grabbed both hips allowing me to drop my head so he could continue to enter me full force until I was pushing myself back into him and begging for more never wanting this feeling to end. I could feel Daddy tense as he gave me one last thrust and emptied himself into me while holding my trembling body. I wish I could plug you right now slave he whispered into my ear as he pulled out and started nuzzling my neck. We held each other close for quite some time and then l I knelt before Daddy until we decided we had left the girls upstairs watching TV long enough.
Later that evening I looked over and playfully asked if I was still getting maintenance tomorrow (both hoping and knowing the answer was yes). Daddy gave me that devilish little smile as he answered You know it babygirl but I just don’t know what to use, are the only good hairbrushes for spanking made out of wood.
Yes, Daddy I replied but if you really want to use the hairbrush we can take that out of the bet (I told you I was a spanko right?)
No babygirl, I want you to get your 30 days without wood because on the 31st day you won’t be so used to it and you are getting every wooden implement we have.  It’s going to be a long day of great fun and maybe just maybe you’ll bet more wisely next time.
And now of course I can’t wait until the month is up…..and I am craving the wooden implements.  Go figure!

Friday, October 5, 2012

That’s not being a dominant

Yesterday we were sitting in the car talking and Daddy asked me about a little girl we drove to a sporting event as a favor last week.  
The girls seemed to get along well in the car last weekend; why doesn’t your daughter hang out with her anymore?
I explained that my daughter and this girl became very close friends two years ago in 2nd grade but after a while the friend started getting to possessive. Nobody else was allowed to play with or even talk to my daughter without this girl getting nasty to that other person and an argument with the girl trying to play with them would quickly ensue.  They would even push away my other daughter who is very close in age to my older daughter and they often have the same friends (that’s going to be fun when they start liking boys). She had to be touching my daughter and hanging all over her all the time to. Eventually nobody even tried to play with them anymore because they were so closely attached at the hip and closed off to anybody else. At first my daughter ate it up and she loved the attention. Her whole world revolved around only being with this friend, BUT after a while it was too much for my daughter and slowly but surely she wanted to talk to some of other friends and the friendship turned bad.
Daddy listened to me and then answered jokingly She must be a Dominant.
I took a minute to absorb the information then I answered That’s not being dominant, that’s being a suffocating ass.
Daddy didn’t say much after that.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Knowing what you want

Knowing what you want is one thing but asking for it can be tougher. Interestingly enough I did not have much trouble asking. Yes, this was a new relationship for me but we have known each other since we were just getting our driver’s licenses and to be honest he had loved me since then, even though I walked away many times.
I knew what I wanted and I asked for it. Pain, humiliation and control, those three words can entail a broad spectrum of activities that one can enjoy. Tie me up, whip me past the point where I have started begging, lead me on a leash and feed me food covered in your seed, have me sleep in a cage at your whim and once we have experienced that I am sure you can come up with some new fun ideas that will keep me guessing.
The more control I got, the more I craved. Wear this, not that, drink this not that, make sure I know where you are going before you go anywhere,  you will not have more than 3 drinks when you are not with me…..Yes Master as you wish. Oh this is fun; I am thriving under this type of control….but where does it stop. When is there a line crossed? I sure know when things are getting tough for me but how do I accurately relay that and not cause confusion on his end when he is testing the water as well.  I just don’t know.
I want you to control me but I want to tell you how to do it, well that’s not right. That would not make sense to anybody, but we did talk and I let it all out:  
I am only human, if you act like a jealous fool and make unnecessary snide immature comments guess what….I am going to act out and when I do act out as a result of your behavior I will not accept punishment for it. You have to master yourself before you can master me.
I have children and friends and a community I am active in, that is not going to change and I will not keep having the same argument over it. I love our time together and I want you with me but if it’s a weekend with your daughter and you think she may have a problem but you decide to come anyway, it’s not my issue. It’s not my fault and I will not be treated badly because she can’t play with a group, take her home instead of trying to find something I did wrong and try to drag me out of there. I will not miss friends birthdays or events because she is here, it is OK for us to do separate things every once in a while. I know how to take care of myself, I made it this far. Not every friend’s husband is out to slip something in my drink and have his way with me while my kids and his kids wife are running around in the background.  I understand you feel this will not be an issue when we live together BUT we don’t live together now and I care about now.   
I will not stand on the sidelines of sporting events or at the pool and sit on the phone the whole time. I want to watch my kids play and socialize. I will not accept punishment for not calling every two hours. I have kids and I work full time I am busy and they have needs that need to be met, if that means I can’t be a slave then so be it, getting annoyed about it is not going to change the situation and it makes me resentful.
It went on.
He listened, he nodded, he told me to watch my tone when I got a little too enthusiastic about it and yes I needed that. He apologized and told me he would work on it, he understood where I was coming from and he wants to earn my trust back and I want to give it to him.  I guess it will take time but I want to give it to him now but I can’t make myself without feeling it first.  
I always thought of limits in terms of pain & humiliation and to be honest I like to take those to extremes. I just never thought of having to put them in place when it came to everyday stuff, now I know.