The Beginning

There are so many wonderful blogs I have read and kept up with that gave me the strength to become comfortable with who I am. I would have liked to follow many from the beginning of the journey and that being the case I thought I should start mine from just that....the beginning. It took me a long time to get here but I am excited for what the future holds.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Newbie Question About Corner Time

My dom and are still having a lot of conversations regarding the path in which our relationship is taking. We are finding ourselves more comfortable with D/s each day but we were both initially reluctant when it comes to DD. At first he said he would never do punishment spankings but I think we will eventually be headed in that direction. (We have not yet talked to much about the spanking I posted about earlier today, but I am sure we will). I have come to realize I think we would be happier if we did go this way but it is up to him if that is how we will proceed. We talked about corner time yesterday and he did say he did not feel that was our relationship. He actually thought he wouldn't be able to do that without laughing. I'll be honest the thought of being sent to the corner has absolutely no appeal to me (why should it, it's a punishment) but I am wondering how many of you utilize this practice and if you do did you start from the beginnign or was it just something you worked your way into? If you don't mind sharing I would like to hear about your experience in this area.


After Care for the Dom

Now this may be a no brainer with those of you with more experienced with ttwd but my Dom made a comment to me the other night that really got me thinking..

We had a pretty intense session on Friday that left me content, bruised in all the right places and very sore.  Later on that evening I was attending a big event with the kids that I was partially in charge of and I was so tired when I go home I didn't call like I was supposed to. This is not the first time I have not called when I knew deep down it was going to annoy him but he has always let it go. I called as soon as I could on Saturday morning just as cheery as I could be but I knew the minute I heard his voice he was not going to let it slide this time. He told me how disappointed he was and he just needed to know me and the kids got home safely and he felt like I was doing it on purpose to see what my limits were. He told me I was going to spanked for it and that he really didn't want to go with punishment spankings but he felt like it needed to be done. Now we have never really spoke about punishment spankings before but I can tell you my heart dropped. This was not something I was looking forward to and to make it worse I wasn't even sure when we were going to see each other again.Once we talked about it he dropped it and we went on to talk about other things like nothing happened but of course I thought about it the whole time.

I called after running around to different basketball games and play dates and apologized for disappointing him and told him it really would not happen again. I told him I was not trying to get out of anything but I did want him to know how sorry I was.He assured me he appreciated it but it was not getting me out of anything.

Sunday we got a chance to spend some time together without the kids. We just relaxed for a while in front of the TV and then I got in some kneeling time which made me really focused on him and warm inside. He made a few comments about how bruised my butt still was from Friday and said I bruised easily. I fired back with "your a hard hitter" and almost made a smart comment along the lines of what do you expect when you use your hand, the crop and the paddle but  I thought better of it. At that moment I thought maybe my spanking would be delayed due to the condition of my backside but no go. He bent me over the side of the couch and the spanking begin. Unlike other spankings I was squirming like crazy and by the time he was done (this was not a short spanking) I was completely on the other side of the coach. My hand even got hit a few time because for the first time ever I reached around to try and cover my bum. When he was done he placed me on my knees for a nice long cock worship session and when finished I remained kneeling in front of him with my head his lap. After about 10 minutes I started rubbing my backside.He took notice and pulled me up on his lap, laying me stomach down across the coach and started rubbing for me while we watched TV. We laid like that for a really long time and it was soothing and just really nice.

We talked about it later and I told him how much I enjoyed that time. His response surprised me as he told me that it made him feel a lot better about what he had done as well. He did not feel bad about Friday but Sunday was a bit of a different situation (and I am sure the existing condition of my backside did not help either). I was so wrapped up in how bad I felt about disappointing him it never occurred to me that it might be equally as hard for him to dish it out and I realized the reassurance after a spanking needs to come from both ends, I was doing that any way because it just came natural to be close to him but I never considered him needing that time as well. I wonder if that feeling fades for the Spanker in time. I am sure the first punishment spanking is always the hardest but does it get easier to administer these types of spankings as time goes on? I hope there is too much time in between them for us to figure that out.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Pain, pleasure & ownership

It started out with an email that went something like this:

You will BEG and Convince me my lil slut that you deserve it. I plan on fucking you and stopping, making you wetter and leaving you on the edge until you convince me that you should have it. I am your owner and I will hear "Please master I need it!"

If you have been with me from the beginning you may recall that name calling (lil slut) and the words Owner and Master were off the table as he did not feel comfortable with them. Oh how times they are a changing.

I rearranged my schedule so we could have some time. The moment he came in things were intense. The kissing was passionate, the whole while his hand firmly grabbed my hair directing me as he saw fit. Eventually he pulled my naked body to my knees as he commanded me to kneel before him and slid himself inside my mouth. I was eager to please and relished in the moment. After some time he sat down on the edge of the bed and I positioned myself on all fours to take him deeper. He firmly started hand spanking my left cheek which only added to my excitment. After what felt like a hundred hard slaps I lost myself. I let him slip out of my mouth as I started crawling up his body. My instincts telling me to crawl inside him. He grabbed a fistful of hair and put me back in position. I began licking his inner thighs and sucking his balls and soon felt the crop hitting the same already sore cheek. The sound of the leather whipping through the air and the sting of each landing making me want to please him more. I took one hand and started rubbing myself and was shocked to feel how wet I had become. Suddenly he pulls me off his cock by my hair and raises my head just a little so that my eyes meet his. I desperately want him back in my mouth and I can see him read the hunger in my eyes. He smiles down at me and I do beg for him to allow me more...eventually he lets my head drop to take him in again as he traces the welts on backside. I feel him reach for something and I both fear and crave the blows from the crop that I know are going to start again soon. To my surprise I feel the repititous thud of what I later learn is a wood paddle, but finally he shows me mercy and switches over to my untouched cheek. Everything is beginning to get hazy and before I know it I am bent over the bed as he enters me from behind so hard I yelp. The hand spanking starts again and soon I am lost in space and he is holding up my body as he thrusts and I push back to meet him until we both orgasm.

He then lays my shivering body on the bed on my stomach as he is stroking my hair. I hear him tell me my bottom is turning purple but I can only look at him and him with a smile and moan softly. Eventually I am able to talk and he starts spanking me again as he lay next to me. The instinct comes back and I scramble to get my body as close to his as possible. I eventually roll myself over and the crop is back in his hand. he playfully runs the leather up and down my torso while he sucks and bites my nipples. The touches are soft an I am moaning and then I feel the first (of many) swats on my inner thigh. I try to close my legs to avoid them but he just spreads my legs wider and gives me a look. The swats are slow and calculated as he waits between each one watching the pain register on my face. I once again try to close my legs until he pins me down with his own legs so that moving is no longer an option. Eventually the swats get faster and every few are landing either directly on my lips, clit or further down to that sensitive spot where one opening ends and another begins. The swats are hard and they hurt and just when its getting to be too much he turns the crop so the rod is parallel between my lips and my cheeks. I am so sore as he slides the rod up and down but I move my hips to the motion as pleasure takes over. A part of me wants to look away, to break eye contact as this primal need takes over but I know from his eyes that is forbidden. As if on cue he reaches out and holds my chin in place so our eyes are locked. I am sweating and moaning and sliding myself up and down the rod of the crop which he is also moving and this goes on for a long while until he nods his head at me and whispers let it go.....just let it all go and I do.

Later I am coming back from my own little world as he kisses my forehead and tells me he owns me and it is really starting to feel that way.

P.S.  As a newbie I never would have expected that the hand could hurt worse than a paddle....with him it does. Who knew?

Saturday, February 25, 2012


Followers, I changed my URL and I am trying see if this is still coming up on your blog roll. Please let me know. Thanks

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I need to kneel

I need to kneel at his feet and take pleasure in the moment. 

I need to look up into his eyes and know that I am at his mercy. 

I need to feel his control and know that it is in my best interest. 

I need the knowledge that he can give me pain and pleasure and that he can take it away. 

I need him to relish in my tears and the know that he is the cause and he can make them stop.

I need to feel fear and anticipation at his hand but love and respect in his heart. 

Monday, February 20, 2012


I find myself in a complete state of confusion. The line between right and wrong is blurred. Caught between two, the ex and the one. My marriage was not good. For 7 years I worked, he sat on the coach, I took care of the house, the lawn, the kids he did not, I volunteered at the school, in sports, for scouts he did not. We struggled, lived off of credit until it ran out and he watched. It got so bad I did not feel l could leave the oldest alone with him because of the fighting. At 8 she hated her dad. I wanted to leave, I told him I was leaving, I never did.

Then out of the blue was him, my old love, caring, loving, controlling, exactly what I needed. We crossed a line I never thought I would cross and then I left my husband. I am in love with this man who is not my husband. I told him what I needed and he accepted most of it (his hard limits are more conservative then mine). We had a great weekend as I explained earlier. I slept peacefully with my hands bound (by his) behind my back. When we woke he asked me if I wanted him to beat me again. He was reluctant because of my bruised bottom but when I said yes he gave me what I needed and he pushed me. Then he withdrew. This was the worst thing he could do at this time. I was still processing this new experience, admiring my bruises, craving his attention, craving more. Then I dropped and it was a far fall but I got thru it...alone. He finally talked to me, he is frustrated. He wants it all now, he wants my full attention, he wants to be the one at all my kids functions. I cannot offer this right now. I have no right to push the ex away when he wants to be with the kids, especially the younger one who he is so close with and who is still staying with him every other two nights. Our small community is still processing the separation, I can't very well introduce somebody new, three months later. The pressure from him is too much. This is new for all of us, we have really only been out of the house for 3 months. We are adjusting. He knew what the situation was when we got together. I feel like I am constantly at odds with both of them. The ex is so sad, my love is so frustrated.  

I am confused, the kids are confused and I don't know what I am doing. The ex is turning things around. He got a part time job, he has cleaned up rooms of crap that I have been asking him to take care of for years. Realistically I know he has no choice because I have been financially supporting him from rent to gas to food while not living there. He knows I will not do this forever, but he is trying. He wants to work things out. He wants to fight for us. He knows about this other relationship and wants to look past it. 

I am torn I feel I owe it to my family to try and make things work with my husband. I like my ex, he is fun, he is nice and generally we get along. But he is lazy, he plays favorites with the kids, he is selfish and I don't trust him. For 7 years he sat on his ass and did absolutely nothing for our family while I was in control of everything. We slept in separate rooms and I was miserable and he didn't care but he has acknowledged it, wants to correct and also accepts my need for control and will explore it if I chose to try and make things work. 

The problem is I love somebody else, even if he does not understand what I am going thru. I understand his frustrations because he is by nature a Dom and this is a hard situation for a Dom to be in as he does not have full control.  A control I so desperately long for.

I let my ex kiss me last night after one of the kids function just to see and I felt nothing but the need to have it end and then I watched my 6 six year old cry her eyes out as I dropped them off because she wanted us all to be together.  (We did not kiss in front of the kids).

I wish I could cry but I am not that person. I am just numb and too busy to worry about it.  I'm at a crossroads......I may be here for a while. Any words of wisdom? I could use some.

Monday, February 13, 2012

The after

I have always been very guarded about my body, trying to cover up whenever possible, keeping the lights off things like that. There is something very liberating about turning your body over to someone else. There is no hiding, it’s out of your hands, and it just is.

With every light on I lay back on the bed and watched as he undressed. He came over and stripped my clothes off piece by piece taking his time to stroke my face and kiss me every once in a while. Before I knew it he was at my abdomen kissing and teasing with his tongue until he moved down and starting licking my clit. I felt his arms forcefully spreading my legs apart as far as they could and although I was moaning and my body was responding my brains natural instinct to cover myself up kicked in. I tried to close my legs just a little and his hands gripped each thigh and pinned them down hard letting me silently know I was not to move. This went on for a bit but eventually I let myself go and began moving my hips to the rhythm of his tongue, taking his fingers as deep as I could go, clenching my inner thigh muscles as my first orgasm rolls out of my body. He eventually reaches up and grabs a fistful of my hair from the nape of my neck, pulling my head down almost to my hips. “Watch” was the only thing he said and I knew he was commanding me to strip my inhibitions away. I watched while grabbing and pulling at my nipples as hard as I could, the pain of that and the pulling of my hair while his tongue and fingers are pounding into me just sends me over the edge again and I can see him swallowing to keep up with the juices pouring out of my body. I just start to relax against the bed and he pulls me up by my hair and thrust himself in my mouth and I’m eager to take him all in. He adjusts my head up and I understand he does not want me to break eye contact. I struggle with this at first but quickly get used to holding my head in a way that I can look up at him and take him all the way in at the same time and eventually  he is pushing my head harder and I can feel him release down the back of my throat. We eventually collapse on the bed in a big heap, each reaching for a smoke. For the first time I don’t immediately try to scramble to get under the covers but lay there with my legs spread, my body fully exposed and he chuckles at my position with a satisfied grin.

We went out for dinner and some entertainment and then came back to the room. I had a headache and was lying on the bed while we were talking. I watch him pull out his “prop” bag and out comes the blindfold. He lays it beside us and we start kissing and rubbing and moaning and before I know it I am fully undressed and flipped over naked on all fours. He starts entering me from behind with this tongue and I am pushing myself back into him and really enjoying myself when he moves away. I am expecting to be blindfolded but instead I feel a slap so hard on backside that it automatically brings tears to my eyes and I scream. It was so unexpected…there was no rubbing, no light tapping, it hurt like hell and it shocked me. Before I could even react I felt it again and again and again, same spot, same force and no time to adjust. I have heard people say spanking hurts like hell but trust me I did not get it. While my mind was registering the pain, my body was pushing back to meet each slap, wanting more the second his hand left contact with skin. Finally I feel him push himself inside me and I relax a little bit knowing the blows are over except I’m wrong, he continues to slap me with all his force in between each thrust of himself until we climax together and finish in a sweaty mess.

The feeling after is something hard to explain and I would like to know if it also like this for others if you don’t mind sharing. I could hear his voice in the background but I could not comprehend what he was saying, my body was shaking uncontrollably in his arms as he was rubbing my back and I felt in a complete daze, content to just lay there but at the same time needing to be as close to him as physically possible.  It took me quite a while to “snap” out of it for lack of a better word and when I did I can tell you I have never felt closer to anybody in my whole life. My body trembled uncontrollably for what seemed like eternity as I replayed everything in my mind. We eventually drifted off to sleep me with my head on his shoulders, dried tears on my face and my small wrists still tightly pinned behind my back in his firm grip until he woke me for more which I will detail soon. Just a little preview....the crop really stings. 

Thursday, February 9, 2012

The Comfort Zone

Our long awaited get away starts tomorrow at noon. Getting a full 24 hours in a hotel without the little ones around is a very big deal and not something we have yet to experience. It’s been a long week and I have been testy. There have been a couple of times over the last four days that I have been reminded to watch my mouth and as I briefly mentioned in a reply on an earlier post I flat out said no to eating dinner this week and was told that answer was no longer an option (ever on any directive) and he would deal with that later.

I have to admit I have been cocky. I alone am the one who has suggested this type of relationship. I have felt no fear of the unknown because to be quite honest I have not been 100% convinced he will push me. In my mind the minute I shed a tear it will be over. He has called things that seem very appealing me to me brutal. Right now there are certain places he does not want to go. I have not given it too much thought because I am confident we will both find a place in which we are content but it has also had me very relaxed about where we are going….until yesterday.

We had a disagreement on the phone, I should have let it go but that is not written in my genetic code. I knew I was pushing the limits but again I’m still in that “anything that you do to me will bother you more than me” mode. Pretty tough for a girl who hasn’t even had a bare ass spanking yet, huh? (Although I have quite enjoyed the over the clothes hand and belt swats I been lucky enough to receive on the fly). He told me to stop and I didn’t, then he promptly told me he would correct the situation on Friday and both I and my ass would be very sorry for it when he was done. I wasn’t expecting that so I pretty much shut up.

Later that evening on the phone we were talking about what to pack and putting together a list He mentioned a separate bag of “props” he was packing and casually slipped in the fact that he needed to grab a hanger. Ummm, excuse me? I asked kind of quietly.  “Yeah you heard me a hanger. I may use it and I may not but at least now you will have a starting point when you are trying to guess what implement of torture I will be using on you when you can’t see.”

I literally froze and I was stunned silent, I panicked. It wasn’t the hanger, it was the not being able to see part. I was surprised at my own reaction. The idea of a caning doesn’t bother me at all but I’m getting freaked out about the thought of a blindfold. What?

“What’s wrong” I hear and it is in the smuggest voice you could ever imagine.  

“I’m nervous about being blindfolded; I don’t think I will like it.” I answered still very quiet.

“Well then we don’t use it” he quickly said to me and back to my little comfort zone I went.

“Ok” my voice coming back to its normal tone and volume until I hear him laughing.

“If you think you being nervous about something is getting you out of where I’m going you have seriously misjudged your situation. You started this, it’s on now”.

And on we go. Yikes. 

Friday, February 3, 2012


I have never been good at following rules. My Parents were hipsters who had me at the ages of 16 and 19 so this never really posed much of a problem (They are very happily married and an integral part of my everyday life). By the age of 14 I was eating mescaline and trespassing to booze it up on the Golf Courses with all my friends. Between the ages of 16 and 20 I probably totaled 5 cars and dropped out of college to follow the Grateful Dead for many years to follow, they were good times I would not trade for anything in the world.

Sometime in my early to mid 20’s when I was working (work that did not include selling grill cheese sandwiches and other things out of a bus) but still partying every night I ran into Sir at the grocery store. We were both really happy to see each other and decided to get together later that night. We had a few beers and were watching a movie which quickly turned into kissing and petting. Just when things started getting heated he put a halt on it, I was annoyed. What’s wrong I asked. He explained that if he couldn’t have all of me he wasn’t prepared to go there. I stared at him unable to commit to anything that was more than in the moment. I was shocked and upset and I tried to argue but we were at a standstill. I wanted to go but he would not let me because we had been drinking. I spent the night (fully clothed) and left first thing in the morning. I called after that but his message was clear and we lost touch until last year.

I am now obviously very clear about what I want and the nature of how we have decided to proceed calls for a lot of communication. Sir has a lot of questions about why I want this since he has personally witnessed my “nobody can tell me what to do” years. He worries at times that I want to offer no opinions or views or that I want to feel less than which is not what he wants (Nor do I). I sent him an article I read and that I am sure many of you have seen which you can view here  and hoped for the best. I later got the email “I think we need to talk”. This of course got me worried, maybe it was too much. I thought things were going well, he told me he liked the way things were going.  He’s made passing comments about starting to really enjoy restraining me. I have seen the look in his eye when he pulls harder, felt the sting of pain when my jeans rub up against a part of my thigh that’s been bitten. What went wrong? I only sent the article because I thought it would help him understand how I feel and why I want this, nothing seemed that out of line with what we had talked about.

We talked later that night and of course things were not horrible as I had imagined. There were some things he wanted me to know….he doesn’t like Master, he likes to hear me say his name. Sir before his name did not come up but I often do that and he gets a good chuckle about it, sometimes he even playfully reminds me to do it if I don’t. Then the subject of rules came up, he doesn’t want them. He worries that I will resent him for them later. He says I know what matters to him most (cheating, heavy drugs or lying – not an issue) and if that’s a problem we are done. I had to laugh at this statement. No Rules? What? Let’s see, so far in only a few months I have been told:

I must call when I arrive and when I leave from work

I should keep my cell phone with me at all times and answer it immediately when it is him. (Of course the typical work and child delays are acceptable. If I cannot pick up right away, I need to call as soon as I am done.

I may not let my weight fall below 120 (I hate this rule…. I am only 5’2 and I feel heavy at this weight). I like 113 and that’s a big difference, but he loves my body like that and it is starting to slowly make me love it like that too. The fact that I get to eat foods I enjoy is an added bonus.

I have to get my run in at least 3 times a week. (I am an endorphin junky and I get really cranky if this does not happen). If I can’t manage that  the PTA Board, one of the two troops I lead or one of the kids sports I coach or act on the board of has to go. I can pick which but something will be given up. I’m pretty sure something is going to have to go eventually either way but we’ll see how long he lets this go.

If I happen to go to happy hour or somewhere else without him (does not happen very often – see above) I will not drive after feeling buzzed or let anybody else drive me home until I have spoken with him first and he can decide if he will come get me.

I will not be disrespectful.

Now these did not all come down at once. They were not worded exactly as such and they were initially posed as requests but if I don’t follow them it is unacceptable and I will hear about it. If he tells me one of them and he doesn’t think I’m listening he makes me repeat them to him.  Umm, not sure what you think but they sound like rules to me and while I don’t like them all, they will be followed.

Of course I did not say anything when he said we won’t have rules….well actually I did, I said OK.