I took some time to calm down and sent him back an email apologizing for disappointing him but also letting him know I was overwhelmed and that I was starting to feel like we never just have a regular conversation any more, like it’s just too much "in my face" all the time. He immediately responded that he understood, he appreciated me telling him and we should talk in person. He picked me up for lunch and I really did not know what to expect when I got in the car. He kissed me hello and immediately held my hand and before we pulled away asked me if I wanted to talk now or if we should go on with maintenance as we usually do. I froze. I couldn't believe he was giving me the decision to make and I just sat there blankly.
"Look at me" he stated and when I did I could tell he was hurting. "Let's talk" I answered although a big part of me really just wanted to be spanked and avoid the whole situation. We parked under a tree and he waited for me to start but I just could not bring myself to do it. "You have to talk to me kitty, open forum; you won't get in any trouble for anything said here today".
I took a deep breath and let it all out. The phone stuff was too much, I am not going to be the Mom that walks in the door, sees her kid for the first time in 8 hours and gets on the phone. I also don't need every conversation to be about what I should and should not be doing, I am fully aware of what we are, what the rules are and when he is constantly in my face about it I don't want to listen to him. If I go to the pool for a few hours and I am with other mom's I am not going to be standing there on the phone the whole time, I actually thought that it was ridiculous. (As I started talking I really just let it all out). I mentioned that he brought up how wild I was in high school a few times and he felt the need to check on me and how much that pissed me off, I just turned 40 this past weekend for pete's sake, if he is worried about that then obviously he hasn't gotten to know me at all over the last year. I also let him know what I thought of his email.
We sat there in silence for a while, he kept grabbing my hand and without even realizing it I kept pulling it away under the rouse of adjusting my body in the seat. He also had to keep reminding me to look at him and I was really having a hard time with that.
Then he spoke to me about him just doing what he thought he was supposed to be doing because of his role. That he knows how much I crave control and he was just trying to deliver and that when we lived together he would be able to ease up because he would know what I was doing all the time. I interrupted long enough to tell him that we had a long while before that would be the case and if things kept up like this it is was never going to happen. I also told him the kid’s relationship with their dad is a hard limit and I will make all decisions when it comes to that for now on.
He agreed to ease up, he still wants to know where I am at all times but he will stop smothering me. If I am going somewhere with the kids and he knows where I am going to be I don't have to check in. He will trust me more. That he loves me and he wants us both to be happy.
The crazy thing is I kind of freaked out (internally)....What if I just really screwed up? What if he backs off to much? We were supposed to go over revised rules and terms this weekend what if he is too worried about losing me to do that now?
I am getting what I want and I am upset????????????????????
He sensed something was still wrong...."Kitty you have to talk to me - we need to start having these open discussions at least once a week, so you can tell me how you are feeling. I told him my fears, that while I didn't love all the rules, I don't want that part to change. I'm fine with the control of clothes, food, leaving the house, seeing friends (although I would like a little more leniency on that end) all of those things. He understood and assured me it wouldn't change but then also suggested I look over the terms he was planning on giving me this weekend so we could talk about it first. This was a shock because usually with him it's just too bad that's what it is.
Then he asked me if he was spanking me too much. I almost choked on my own saliva. I looked back up at him and told him that was not a decision I wanted any part of. It was too general of a question that I just could not answer. He told me he does not like spanking me every day but he does like the results had been getting before things got weird this last week. We never really came to any determination there.
Moving forward we have the next 3 nights together with my parents gone. I am looking forward to running the girls around together all weekend, cooking and visiting with some friends. The promise of both painful & pleasurable play has been made and I think for us it could not have come at a better time.
Thank you again for all your support, I promise to keep you posted (pun intended) on the new guidelines after I have looked them over and wrap my head around it all. I also owe you a fun post about a caning that did not quite go as Master had planned.
Have a great weekend,