The Beginning

There are so many wonderful blogs I have read and kept up with that gave me the strength to become comfortable with who I am. I would have liked to follow many from the beginning of the journey and that being the case I thought I should start mine from just that....the beginning. It took me a long time to get here but I am excited for what the future holds.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Not Feeling it - Part II

First I would like to thank you all for your comments on yesterdays post. I must admit I felt a mixture of emotions when reading them from vindicated to "oh Sir is not so bad, I painted him in a bad light". The latter of those emotions pretty much went right out the window each time I re-read his email.

I took some time to calm down and sent him back an email apologizing for disappointing him but also letting him know I was overwhelmed and  that I was starting to feel like we never just have a regular conversation any more, like it’s just too much "in my face" all the time. He immediately responded that he understood, he appreciated me telling him and we should talk in person. He picked me up for lunch and I really did not know what to expect when I got in the car. He kissed me hello and immediately held my hand and before we pulled away asked me if I wanted to talk now or if we should go on with maintenance as we usually do. I froze. I couldn't believe he was giving me the decision to make and I just sat there blankly.

"Look at me" he stated and when I did I could tell he was hurting. "Let's talk" I answered although a big part of me really just wanted to be spanked and avoid the whole situation. We parked under a tree and he waited for me to start but I just could not bring myself to do it. "You have to talk to me kitty, open forum; you won't get in any trouble for anything said here today".

I took a deep breath and let it all out. The phone stuff was too much, I am not going to be the Mom that walks in the door, sees her kid for the first time in 8 hours and gets on the phone. I also don't need every conversation to be about what I should and should not be doing, I am fully aware of what we are, what the rules are and when he is constantly in my face about it I don't want to listen to him. If I go to the pool for a few hours and I am with other mom's I am not going to be standing there on the phone the whole time, I actually thought that it was ridiculous. (As I started talking I really just let it all out). I mentioned that he brought up how wild I was in high school a few times and he felt the need to check on me and how much that pissed me off, I just turned 40 this past weekend for pete's sake, if he is worried about that then obviously he hasn't gotten to know me at all over the last year. I also let him know what I thought of his email.

We sat there in silence for a while, he kept grabbing my hand and without even realizing it I kept pulling it away under the rouse of adjusting my body in the seat. He also had to keep reminding me to look at him and I was really having a hard time with that. 

Then he spoke to me about him just doing what he thought he was supposed to be doing because of his role. That he knows how much I crave control and he was just trying to deliver and that when we lived together he would be able to ease up because he would know what I was doing all the time. I interrupted long enough to tell him that we had a long while before that would be the case and if things kept up like this it is was never going to happen. I also told him the kid’s relationship with their dad is a hard limit and I will make all decisions when it comes to that for now on.

He agreed to ease up, he still wants to know where I am at all times but he will stop smothering me. If I am going somewhere with the kids and he knows where I am going to be I don't have to check in. He will trust me more. That he loves me and he wants us both to be happy.

The crazy thing is I kind of freaked out (internally)....What if I just really screwed up? What if he backs off to much? We were supposed to go over revised rules and terms this weekend what if he is too worried about losing me to do that now?

I am getting what I want and I am upset????????????????????

He sensed something was still wrong...."Kitty you have to talk to me - we need to start having these open discussions at least once a week, so you can tell me how you are feeling. I told him my fears, that while I didn't love all the rules, I don't want that part to change. I'm fine with the control of clothes, food, leaving the house, seeing friends (although I would like a little more leniency on that end) all of those things. He understood and assured me it wouldn't change but then also suggested I look over the terms he was planning on giving me this weekend so we could talk about it first. This was a shock because usually with him it's just too bad that's what it is.

Then he asked me if he was spanking me too much. I almost choked on my own saliva. I looked back up at him and told him that was not a decision I wanted any part of. It was too general of a question that I just could not answer. He told me he does not like spanking me every day but he does like the results had been getting before things got weird this last week. We never really came to any determination there.

Moving forward we have the next 3 nights together with my parents gone. I am looking forward to running the girls around together all weekend, cooking and visiting with some friends. The promise of both painful & pleasurable play has been made and I think for us it could not have come at a better time.

Thank you again for all your support, I promise to keep you posted (pun intended) on the new guidelines after I have looked them over and wrap my head around it all. I also owe you a fun post about a caning that did not quite go as Master had planned.

Have a great weekend,

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Not feeling it

Finally all the birthdays are over and too be honest I could not be happier. When my 2nd child was born I thought "how cute, all three of our birthdays are within 12 days of each other" but now that they are older and I have to plan two parties and then again celebrate on the actual day and somehow try to enjoy my own birthday in there and get ready for the kids to go back to school, well it's just a lot. So now I can take a big sigh of relief and try to deal with other issues at hand.

The biggest issue at hand right now is my mindset. I am just not feeling submission flowing through me as I usually do. I feel like I am failing in many ways and I am at the point where I just don't care and I want some space. I am only seeing things from my point of view which is the exact opposite if what I am supposed to be doing. I feel like we never have a "normal" conversation anymore, it's always about do this, do that, check in with me every 2 hours.  I feel like screaming, really check in with you every two hours, you realize I am just getting home to my kids who have not seen me all day and I would like to take them to the pool and actually talk to them for a little bit as well as some of my girlfriends without having to make a phone call for few hours. Do you realize that we have been emailing each other all day, which is seriously interrupting my work and that we also had lunch together and that you have actually had more of my attention than anything or anyone else already today. Do you realize that all you have to do is go to work and go home but when I get home my day is not even half way over?

Maintenance was horrible earlier this week. Monday he broke out the sorority paddle and I did not handle it well. I moved a lot and I begged him to stop which really pissed him off. The fact of the matter was it hurt (of course) and I just really did not feel like being spanked. It did nothing for my mindset; instead I was bitter and pissed off about it. Tuesday I was determined to fix it, to handle maintenance better but I didn't, he used the paddle again and I asked for a minute to process the pain which caused him to stop dead in his tracks and he just left me there crying for a bit. He started back up with the thick flat spatula spoon that I despise more than anything else and I twisted and turned while he finished up. I did feel a little better after that, almost like everything was OK. He halfheartedly held me after and it adjusted my attitude some but it just was not exactly the same.

Yesterday I took the day off for my daughter’s birthday. She went to school but I had to wait to until the last minute to shop because I had no money until I got paid that morning. I got them on the bus; I called before I left for the mall which is a 1/2 hour away. I shopped and I called when I left the mall. I got back home by 11:45 which gave me less than an hour to get all the wrapping done before I had to go eat lunch with my daughter at 1 pm. I got the wrapping done in the nick of time and left for the school; I called. I ate lunch with my daughter and then rushed up to the bank to meet with the outgoing PTA President to get my name on the account as the new President, when finished I called. I ran to the grocery to pick up cupcakes so my daughter could bring them to Field Hockey Practice for her b-day and made it back to the house about 15 minutes before the bus would drop off the girls. I wanted to unload the groceries and bring the girls bikes down to the bus stop since for once I was going to be able to let them do that since I was home when they got off the bus. I heard the phone ringing while all of this was going but just felt too rushed to stop. I knew this would be an issue. I finished and returned the call but said I really had to go to the bus stop and we hung up. He did not sound happy.

The girls came home and we did after school stuff, I got some laundry done and called him again. At 6:45 my ex came over and my daughter opened gifts with us and my parents and the ex left by 7:30. The birthday girl was a wreck before my ex even left. She was crying because she wanted to see Sir on her birthday instead of her Dad, then she got in a huge fight with my dad which has been a pretty common occurence lately (did I tell you how much I hate living with my parents, I swear its like they totally forgot what's its like to have a 7 & 9 year old). It took me forever to get everybody calmed down and in bed; once I did -  I called (are you seeing a pattern here). Sir was in a bad mood because he was missing my daughter on her birthday. To be honest I just did not want to hear it and I was very quiet, I need to try and fix her relationship with her dad even if it's his fault. At the end of the day I was the one who left the marriage and my ex was devastated and he misses the girls that he stayed home and raised while I was at work (not because we could afford it but because he was lazy). As far as I am concerned the ex gets priority on coming to things that involve my children. He may not show up all the time but when he does my girls are ususally happy to see him. Maybe once the divorce is final we can all be at things together but right now it is just not possible.

Anyway, Sir was going to take a shower and wanted me to call back at 10:30. Guess what, I made lunches for the next day and feel asleep.

Here is the email I go this morning:

Its 11:30pm. Thank you for the call. I really thought u would at least try to call. You have not been yourself this week my lil girl, not at all. Concerned and disappointed about you being my slave.

I am not looking forward to lunch/maintenance today.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012


This has come up before my friends and I am always at a loss on how I should handle the situation so I felt the need to post about it today, even if it might be a little confusing since I have not fully thought it out.

Master and I have disagreements, it happens with every relationship. The issue is that now that we have established this dynamic I really don't know how to handle it.

Last night the disagreement was over something very small.   I had forgotten about an annual big deal kid event at our pool that just so happens to be on a night we had plans. It really sucks because since I left my ex I have been living with my parents while still paying all the bills for my ex who has never really been able to take care of himself and he is living in our family home for free. My parents will be out of town so we had the house to ourselves once the kids went to bed. Master said something about this messing up our plans, I answered back that I could not have the girls miss the back to school pool party. None of this was done in any sort of yelling tone but after that Master lost his cool. He raised his voice about him not saying the girls had to miss the event and I always jump to that conclusion and on and on he went. In reality he was probably somewhat right but I did not like that he was yelling at me. I wanted to get off the phone and permission was denied so  instead I clammed up which really pissed him off. Then he told me I was in a bad mood which aggravated me further since he was the one that started yelling. Eventually he realized keeping me on the phone when I shut down was pointless and he let me get off but he was very nasty in the process.

I'll be honest, I wanted to scream right back. I felt he was being unreasonable and in attempt to keep myself from getting punished I just stopped talking....well maybe I should have stopped a bit sooner than I did but I did not raise my voice which is huge progress.

He sent me an email this morning apologizing for yelling at me but then went on to tell me how I should have responded. Can somebody out there please remind me that I am a slave and this is how it works because I'm not feeling it right now. I did respond by saying We should probably talk about this more later because I didn't react to your yelling anyway at all that should have upset you and I stand by that and I really don't see my opinion of that changing no matter how its handled. Meaning I think its a bunch of BS if I get punished for this. 

We agreed to talk later and everything has been fine since then but I still feel like I don't know how to disagree anymore. I mean when two people disagree and one person has the upper hand there will always be a way for them to tell you how you should have handled something especially when they are annoyed.

I guess I am looking for advice since it does come up a lot with kid issues. Master is a great Dad but he has little girl on the weekends only and he often makes suggestions or comments about how to handle my two when in reality he has no idea what its like to be "on" all the time, much less how different 1 vs 2 children is. To have sports, and school, and shopping and to get home from work at 6 and go to 2 different practices at 2 different locations, one of  the practices at which I am coaching and then do homework and think about lunch the next day and get the kids to bed on time and to then hear his disapproval when they have not showered every night. I admit sometimes when it comes to kids I am make snap comments, I may have corrected my tone but the comments still piss him off.

I guess some part of me does not know how to be a slave and still be annoyed at the same time, it is confusing and I don't like it.

Friday, August 17, 2012

The Belt

Watching the belt slip out of his pant loops stirs emotions in me....anticipation, excitement, need with a dash of fear. It's like nothing esle.

I am naked standing in the middle of the room, watching, waiting.

"Bend over and grab you ankles"

I am not in trouble, that is not what this is. I comply and he begins and its good and it hurts. Eventually I beg for it to stop which I never quite understand because this is what I like. The tears are acceptable but the begging is not and it causes him to move down to the back of my thighs until I can bring myself to stop. I quiet down and remain in position and eventually the strikes come back to my ass, which now feels so much more bearable.

He turns me to face him and places a hand on each shoulder to bring me down to my knees and I want and need him in my mouth but I must wait. Please Sir I beg and the room is swirling a bit. He slides himself into my mouth and thrusts and controls and I open myself to him. It's something hard to explain but it's almost like becoming a marionette puppet for him to move as he chooses, its heaven. The belt brings me back to now as I feel it land on my upper back, the strikes sting so sweetly again and again.I vaguely think about odd things as I gag and my throat and back starts to sting as much as my backside and thighs...... I want it to be harder, how will I wear a bathing suit, I am drooling too much, I am dizzy, please don't throw up....but all these thoughts are fleeting and blurry and I really don't care about any of it.

He pulls himself out of my mouth and I manage to cry out in protest and then realize he is pulling me up by the belt which is somehow now looped around my neck and being used as a leash. There are deep kisses and touching and control that I am unable to give details about. My memory is like little flashes....begging, moaning, pinching, on all fours, standing back up, bent down to grab my ankles......all maneuvered by that belt around my neck. There is his hand on my cheek, maybe slapping my face but I don't know for sure. All to soon the belt has been removed from my neck and I miss it but it soon warms my bottom again until he is ready to fully possess me and fill me with this warmth.

Mmmmm, the belt.