I have never been good at following rules. My Parents were hipsters who had me at the ages of 16 and 19 so this never really posed much of a problem (They are very happily married and an integral part of my everyday life). By the age of 14 I was eating mescaline and trespassing to booze it up on the Golf Courses with all my friends. Between the ages of 16 and 20 I probably totaled 5 cars and dropped out of college to follow the Grateful Dead for many years to follow, they were good times I would not trade for anything in the world.
Sometime in my early to mid 20’s when I was working (work that did not include selling grill cheese sandwiches and other things out of a bus) but still partying every night I ran into Sir at the grocery store. We were both really happy to see each other and decided to get together later that night. We had a few beers and were watching a movie which quickly turned into kissing and petting. Just when things started getting heated he put a halt on it, I was annoyed. What’s wrong I asked. He explained that if he couldn’t have all of me he wasn’t prepared to go there. I stared at him unable to commit to anything that was more than in the moment. I was shocked and upset and I tried to argue but we were at a standstill. I wanted to go but he would not let me because we had been drinking. I spent the night (fully clothed) and left first thing in the morning. I called after that but his message was clear and we lost touch until last year.
I am now obviously very clear about what I want and the nature of how we have decided to proceed calls for a lot of communication. Sir has a lot of questions about why I want this since he has personally witnessed my “nobody can tell me what to do” years. He worries at times that I want to offer no opinions or views or that I want to feel less than which is not what he wants (Nor do I). I sent him an article I read and that I am sure many of you have seen which you can view here and hoped for the best. I later got the email “I think we need to talk”. This of course got me worried, maybe it was too much. I thought things were going well, he told me he liked the way things were going. He’s made passing comments about starting to really enjoy restraining me. I have seen the look in his eye when he pulls harder, felt the sting of pain when my jeans rub up against a part of my thigh that’s been bitten. What went wrong? I only sent the article because I thought it would help him understand how I feel and why I want this, nothing seemed that out of line with what we had talked about.
We talked later that night and of course things were not horrible as I had imagined. There were some things he wanted me to know….he doesn’t like Master, he likes to hear me say his name. Sir before his name did not come up but I often do that and he gets a good chuckle about it, sometimes he even playfully reminds me to do it if I don’t. Then the subject of rules came up, he doesn’t want them. He worries that I will resent him for them later. He says I know what matters to him most (cheating, heavy drugs or lying – not an issue) and if that’s a problem we are done. I had to laugh at this statement. No Rules? What? Let’s see, so far in only a few months I have been told:
I must call when I arrive and when I leave from work
I should keep my cell phone with me at all times and answer it immediately when it is him. (Of course the typical work and child delays are acceptable. If I cannot pick up right away, I need to call as soon as I am done.
I may not let my weight fall below 120 (I hate this rule…. I am only 5’2 and I feel heavy at this weight). I like 113 and that’s a big difference, but he loves my body like that and it is starting to slowly make me love it like that too. The fact that I get to eat foods I enjoy is an added bonus.
I have to get my run in at least 3 times a week. (I am an endorphin junky and I get really cranky if this does not happen). If I can’t manage that the PTA Board, one of the two troops I lead or one of the kids sports I coach or act on the board of has to go. I can pick which but something will be given up. I’m pretty sure something is going to have to go eventually either way but we’ll see how long he lets this go.
If I happen to go to happy hour or somewhere else without him (does not happen very often – see above) I will not drive after feeling buzzed or let anybody else drive me home until I have spoken with him first and he can decide if he will come get me.
I will not be disrespectful.
Now these did not all come down at once. They were not worded exactly as such and they were initially posed as requests but if I don’t follow them it is unacceptable and I will hear about it. If he tells me one of them and he doesn’t think I’m listening he makes me repeat them to him. Umm, not sure what you think but they sound like rules to me and while I don’t like them all, they will be followed.
Of course I did not say anything when he said we won’t have rules….well actually I did, I said OK.