The Beginning

There are so many wonderful blogs I have read and kept up with that gave me the strength to become comfortable with who I am. I would have liked to follow many from the beginning of the journey and that being the case I thought I should start mine from just that....the beginning. It took me a long time to get here but I am excited for what the future holds.

Friday, February 3, 2012


I have never been good at following rules. My Parents were hipsters who had me at the ages of 16 and 19 so this never really posed much of a problem (They are very happily married and an integral part of my everyday life). By the age of 14 I was eating mescaline and trespassing to booze it up on the Golf Courses with all my friends. Between the ages of 16 and 20 I probably totaled 5 cars and dropped out of college to follow the Grateful Dead for many years to follow, they were good times I would not trade for anything in the world.

Sometime in my early to mid 20’s when I was working (work that did not include selling grill cheese sandwiches and other things out of a bus) but still partying every night I ran into Sir at the grocery store. We were both really happy to see each other and decided to get together later that night. We had a few beers and were watching a movie which quickly turned into kissing and petting. Just when things started getting heated he put a halt on it, I was annoyed. What’s wrong I asked. He explained that if he couldn’t have all of me he wasn’t prepared to go there. I stared at him unable to commit to anything that was more than in the moment. I was shocked and upset and I tried to argue but we were at a standstill. I wanted to go but he would not let me because we had been drinking. I spent the night (fully clothed) and left first thing in the morning. I called after that but his message was clear and we lost touch until last year.

I am now obviously very clear about what I want and the nature of how we have decided to proceed calls for a lot of communication. Sir has a lot of questions about why I want this since he has personally witnessed my “nobody can tell me what to do” years. He worries at times that I want to offer no opinions or views or that I want to feel less than which is not what he wants (Nor do I). I sent him an article I read and that I am sure many of you have seen which you can view here  and hoped for the best. I later got the email “I think we need to talk”. This of course got me worried, maybe it was too much. I thought things were going well, he told me he liked the way things were going.  He’s made passing comments about starting to really enjoy restraining me. I have seen the look in his eye when he pulls harder, felt the sting of pain when my jeans rub up against a part of my thigh that’s been bitten. What went wrong? I only sent the article because I thought it would help him understand how I feel and why I want this, nothing seemed that out of line with what we had talked about.

We talked later that night and of course things were not horrible as I had imagined. There were some things he wanted me to know….he doesn’t like Master, he likes to hear me say his name. Sir before his name did not come up but I often do that and he gets a good chuckle about it, sometimes he even playfully reminds me to do it if I don’t. Then the subject of rules came up, he doesn’t want them. He worries that I will resent him for them later. He says I know what matters to him most (cheating, heavy drugs or lying – not an issue) and if that’s a problem we are done. I had to laugh at this statement. No Rules? What? Let’s see, so far in only a few months I have been told:

I must call when I arrive and when I leave from work

I should keep my cell phone with me at all times and answer it immediately when it is him. (Of course the typical work and child delays are acceptable. If I cannot pick up right away, I need to call as soon as I am done.

I may not let my weight fall below 120 (I hate this rule…. I am only 5’2 and I feel heavy at this weight). I like 113 and that’s a big difference, but he loves my body like that and it is starting to slowly make me love it like that too. The fact that I get to eat foods I enjoy is an added bonus.

I have to get my run in at least 3 times a week. (I am an endorphin junky and I get really cranky if this does not happen). If I can’t manage that  the PTA Board, one of the two troops I lead or one of the kids sports I coach or act on the board of has to go. I can pick which but something will be given up. I’m pretty sure something is going to have to go eventually either way but we’ll see how long he lets this go.

If I happen to go to happy hour or somewhere else without him (does not happen very often – see above) I will not drive after feeling buzzed or let anybody else drive me home until I have spoken with him first and he can decide if he will come get me.

I will not be disrespectful.

Now these did not all come down at once. They were not worded exactly as such and they were initially posed as requests but if I don’t follow them it is unacceptable and I will hear about it. If he tells me one of them and he doesn’t think I’m listening he makes me repeat them to him.  Umm, not sure what you think but they sound like rules to me and while I don’t like them all, they will be followed.

Of course I did not say anything when he said we won’t have rules….well actually I did, I said OK.  


  1. Just sounds like he cares about you. They are mostly common sense items anyway, aren't they.

  2. Sunnygirl: Yes he does care about me very much. I feel very lucky to be where I am right now. I hope I didn't sound like I was whining.

  3. I think you are being very wise to be up-front with him and let him know what you need out of a relationship. It sounds as if you very have strong needs (like the rest of us). Without honesty, I doubt you would find a rekindled relationship with him ultimately fulfilling. If it doesn't work out with him specifically, you are still smart to have made this a cornerstone and will find someone eventually who can make you feel the way you need to feel. It doesn't have to be perfect at the beginning, but the foundation should be there. My two (ten) cents. :-)

    love, squirrel

  4. Thanks Squirrel, your words are very comforting to me. I feel very conflicted because I have such strong needs. I don't want to overload him but I feel he needs to know where I ultimately want to end up so we can talk about it now and nobody gets hurt later. I feel we will both grow into it together and it will be great. Your two (ten) cents are worth million.

  5. It sounds like he's already headed down that road and doesn't even realize it, because those certainly sound like rules to me! Perhaps he's having some trouble with the stigma regarding this lifestyle and just needs some time to embrace it in his own way and move past what society says.

    1. Grace,

      I agree. I think the stigma of the lifestyle is giving him a hard time. I am confident he will move past it as we move on. I am excited that I get to witness the progression.

  6. He needs to know where your head is...Good and bad thoughts. All of them. The rules are good ones to start with and mouse is sure he'll add to or take some away as needed.

    Just a side note that might make you smile...

    Hey mouse followed the Dead too...thought you looked familiar ;-).

    Back then mouse was the girl in the blue hippy dress holding an arm up, index finger pointed to the sky...ok she was the one with the shaved pits at the Cow Palace.

    Good times...good times...


    1. Mouse,

      I suspected we were kindred spirits when I first started reading your blog. Lady with a Fan & Sugaree are two of my favorites.

      I think I have a new rule already. I flat out said no to something before I even realized what I was saying and that was answered with "Did you just say no to me?". Don't think I'll be doing that again.

  7. hello..i have just found your blog and look forward to seeing how this all develops. I envy you your rules..hmm i think thats what I need, some rules :)
    welcome to the blogosphere

  8. mmhhmm, I have lots of "requests" too lol.

  9. lil,

    I find I have more requests as time goes on. I'll share when ready.

  10. When it comes to rules, I've always found that more is less. I've tried it other ways, and like so many things in life, keeping it simple just works.

    @dancingbarez & @mouse - I had many friends who followed the Dead, but was personally always too busy tying girls up to join! ;)


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