I find myself in a complete state of confusion. The line between right and wrong is blurred. Caught between two, the ex and the one. My marriage was not good. For 7 years I worked, he sat on the coach, I took care of the house, the lawn, the kids he did not, I volunteered at the school, in sports, for scouts he did not. We struggled, lived off of credit until it ran out and he watched. It got so bad I did not feel l could leave the oldest alone with him because of the fighting. At 8 she hated her dad. I wanted to leave, I told him I was leaving, I never did.
Then out of the blue was him, my old love, caring, loving, controlling, exactly what I needed. We crossed a line I never thought I would cross and then I left my husband. I am in love with this man who is not my husband. I told him what I needed and he accepted most of it (his hard limits are more conservative then mine). We had a great weekend as I explained earlier. I slept peacefully with my hands bound (by his) behind my back. When we woke he asked me if I wanted him to beat me again. He was reluctant because of my bruised bottom but when I said yes he gave me what I needed and he pushed me. Then he withdrew. This was the worst thing he could do at this time. I was still processing this new experience, admiring my bruises, craving his attention, craving more. Then I dropped and it was a far fall but I got thru it...alone. He finally talked to me, he is frustrated. He wants it all now, he wants my full attention, he wants to be the one at all my kids functions. I cannot offer this right now. I have no right to push the ex away when he wants to be with the kids, especially the younger one who he is so close with and who is still staying with him every other two nights. Our small community is still processing the separation, I can't very well introduce somebody new, three months later. The pressure from him is too much. This is new for all of us, we have really only been out of the house for 3 months. We are adjusting. He knew what the situation was when we got together. I feel like I am constantly at odds with both of them. The ex is so sad, my love is so frustrated.
I am confused, the kids are confused and I don't know what I am doing. The ex is turning things around. He got a part time job, he has cleaned up rooms of crap that I have been asking him to take care of for years. Realistically I know he has no choice because I have been financially supporting him from rent to gas to food while not living there. He knows I will not do this forever, but he is trying. He wants to work things out. He wants to fight for us. He knows about this other relationship and wants to look past it.
I am torn I feel I owe it to my family to try and make things work with my husband. I like my ex, he is fun, he is nice and generally we get along. But he is lazy, he plays favorites with the kids, he is selfish and I don't trust him. For 7 years he sat on his ass and did absolutely nothing for our family while I was in control of everything. We slept in separate rooms and I was miserable and he didn't care but he has acknowledged it, wants to correct and also accepts my need for control and will explore it if I chose to try and make things work.
The problem is I love somebody else, even if he does not understand what I am going thru. I understand his frustrations because he is by nature a Dom and this is a hard situation for a Dom to be in as he does not have full control. A control I so desperately long for.
I let my ex kiss me last night after one of the kids function just to see and I felt nothing but the need to have it end and then I watched my 6 six year old cry her eyes out as I dropped them off because she wanted us all to be together. (We did not kiss in front of the kids).
I wish I could cry but I am not that person. I am just numb and too busy to worry about it. I'm at a crossroads......I may be here for a while. Any words of wisdom? I could use some.