The Beginning

There are so many wonderful blogs I have read and kept up with that gave me the strength to become comfortable with who I am. I would have liked to follow many from the beginning of the journey and that being the case I thought I should start mine from just that....the beginning. It took me a long time to get here but I am excited for what the future holds.


Monday, February 20, 2012

Confusion

I find myself in a complete state of confusion. The line between right and wrong is blurred. Caught between two, the ex and the one. My marriage was not good. For 7 years I worked, he sat on the coach, I took care of the house, the lawn, the kids he did not, I volunteered at the school, in sports, for scouts he did not. We struggled, lived off of credit until it ran out and he watched. It got so bad I did not feel l could leave the oldest alone with him because of the fighting. At 8 she hated her dad. I wanted to leave, I told him I was leaving, I never did.

Then out of the blue was him, my old love, caring, loving, controlling, exactly what I needed. We crossed a line I never thought I would cross and then I left my husband. I am in love with this man who is not my husband. I told him what I needed and he accepted most of it (his hard limits are more conservative then mine). We had a great weekend as I explained earlier. I slept peacefully with my hands bound (by his) behind my back. When we woke he asked me if I wanted him to beat me again. He was reluctant because of my bruised bottom but when I said yes he gave me what I needed and he pushed me. Then he withdrew. This was the worst thing he could do at this time. I was still processing this new experience, admiring my bruises, craving his attention, craving more. Then I dropped and it was a far fall but I got thru it...alone. He finally talked to me, he is frustrated. He wants it all now, he wants my full attention, he wants to be the one at all my kids functions. I cannot offer this right now. I have no right to push the ex away when he wants to be with the kids, especially the younger one who he is so close with and who is still staying with him every other two nights. Our small community is still processing the separation, I can't very well introduce somebody new, three months later. The pressure from him is too much. This is new for all of us, we have really only been out of the house for 3 months. We are adjusting. He knew what the situation was when we got together. I feel like I am constantly at odds with both of them. The ex is so sad, my love is so frustrated.  

I am confused, the kids are confused and I don't know what I am doing. The ex is turning things around. He got a part time job, he has cleaned up rooms of crap that I have been asking him to take care of for years. Realistically I know he has no choice because I have been financially supporting him from rent to gas to food while not living there. He knows I will not do this forever, but he is trying. He wants to work things out. He wants to fight for us. He knows about this other relationship and wants to look past it. 

I am torn I feel I owe it to my family to try and make things work with my husband. I like my ex, he is fun, he is nice and generally we get along. But he is lazy, he plays favorites with the kids, he is selfish and I don't trust him. For 7 years he sat on his ass and did absolutely nothing for our family while I was in control of everything. We slept in separate rooms and I was miserable and he didn't care but he has acknowledged it, wants to correct and also accepts my need for control and will explore it if I chose to try and make things work. 

The problem is I love somebody else, even if he does not understand what I am going thru. I understand his frustrations because he is by nature a Dom and this is a hard situation for a Dom to be in as he does not have full control.  A control I so desperately long for.

I let my ex kiss me last night after one of the kids function just to see and I felt nothing but the need to have it end and then I watched my 6 six year old cry her eyes out as I dropped them off because she wanted us all to be together.  (We did not kiss in front of the kids).

I wish I could cry but I am not that person. I am just numb and too busy to worry about it.  I'm at a crossroads......I may be here for a while. Any words of wisdom? I could use some.

18 comments:

  1. No real words of wisdom, but you are at a crossroads. There's nothing wrong with taking time to sit and really think about what YOU want, what your children need and then you can clearly decide which path to follow.

    You can't continue being pushed and pulled into so many different directions. You're not made of rubber. Even if you were, rubber breaks down and loses its elasticity over time.

    Sometimes the path we think we want isn't so great. Sometimes we suddenly see or notice a different path, but it's lonely, because we're alone on it...but it can also meander back around to exactly where you should be in the end.

    Sometimes, you need that. Those extra steps alone...

    Hugs,
    mouse

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    1. Thanks Mouse. Your last paragraph reminded me of eyes of Eyes of the World and made me smile. I think time alone is a good thing right now.

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  2. Oh Honey, the only thing I have to offer is go slow and listen to your gut.

    As an outsider looking in this sentence fairly jumped off the page, "But he is lazy, he plays favorites with the kids, he is selfish and I don't trust him." Any one thing on that list is capable of ruining a relationship.

    Ultimately the people that need to be a priority are yourself and your kids, do what you need to take care of those people while you take as much time as you need to adjust.

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    1. It would be so much easier if both of the kids wanted the same thing but they don't. I guess that just reinforces the obvious fact that I am the adult and need to make the right decision for everyone no matter how hard that may be.

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  3. I can only offer my own experience of what it's been like for myself in terms of breaking up with children involved. Feel free to email me. I'm not sure I can offer any advice as it's still a minefield for me at times but well sometimes it's just good to offload to someone who has been through similar. I guess that's why we are all here :)

    Dee x

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    1. Thanks Dee. I may take you up on that very soon.

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  4. I left a marriage of 20 years so I sortof understand, but I have no children and that makes a huge difference.

    Take your time to make the right decision for you and your children. Change for everyone is always hard. And there is something called too much water under the bridge.

    Big hug!!
    Sss

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    1. Sss, I like that expression and I am afraid the water is high.

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  5. You owe it to yourself to be happy, staying together for the children sakes most usually will not work, they will thrive better with a happy mum as difficult as it may be intially.

    Your going through a very difficult time, emotions no doubt all over the place, as has been said take your time to sort out what you want and what your children need.

    tori x

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    1. Yes my emotions are crazy right now. I do think time is what I need.

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  6. I don't want to post as my usual blogger name, because so many of you read my blog. My husband and I almost divorced a few years ago, after over 7 years of marriage, and 3 kids. Because he was lazy, self centered, played favorites with the kids, or ignored them altogether, and I couldn't trust him to care about anyone or anything but himself. Sound familiar? We worked it out because he worked super hard to change himself when I left him-something he never thought would happen. Unfortunately, I'm not so sure that changes ever really stick. I feel like I am fighting tooth and nail to keep him from going back, and yet we still slide a little further down the slope every day. And with us working on him being the Dom I so desperately need... it's quite heatbreaking for me. I can't tell you how awful it feels, being so much in love with him and yet knowing he's more into himself than me or the kids. I can't tell you what to do hon, but I do know that the only person you can truly count on to change is yourself. And you need happiness for your kids' sake, so think of that before you think of either of the guys in your life.

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    1. Thank you so much for this reply. You pretty much voiced all my concerns. I worry that any change now will only be temporary and I think I worry that he is too selfish to ever be a true Dom.

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  7. No easy answers. And the long view is impossible to see, but it's what is important. Sending strength.

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    1. If only I had a crystal ball. I think easy is a long way off.

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  8. I cannot give you any advice. I'm sending you a huge hug. Every situation is different. ONLY you can know what is best for you. Life doesn't always go the way we planned or want. It's a difficult time for you. Be strong. My thoughts are with you.

    Fondly, Sky

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    1. I just wish the answer was clear...maybe tomorrow things will be better.

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  9. Wish I had something super great and insightful to say, but I've been scraping the bottom of my insights box for a while and seem to be coming up empty handed lately.

    All I have is follow your heart, and I hope things become clearer for you soon.

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  10. I realize this is a week old, but it seems like you might still need a hug, or someone to tell you things will work out.

    They will. Even if you have to drag all the pieces together to make it work, it will.

    I understand wanting more, I understand kids. I understand a lot of things that I don't really want to go into detail about, but I can say I find myself in a somewhat similar situation and I'm doing everything completely WRONG to solve issues. If you need to talk to someone, I have an email adress on my profile that I check occasionally, and about every messenger thing known to man if you give me a name to add. (I realize, I'm a complete stranger and unknown, but it's the best offer I've got)

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