I can now say I know I am truly a masochist. When we are together I crave for him to cause me pain. I know to date we have not delved too far into the pain side of things but I want it, I think I need it, I fantasize about it. Is he a sadist, well I'm not sure. I believe he took pleasure in watching me squirm with each hit the crop delivered to my clit and lips, he watched my face, he smirked at my reaction, he held my legs open when I tried to close them to shield myself......but was it purely for me? I don't know. I pushed it out of my mind because these things take time, but then out of the blue he made a passing comment. It was not meant to hurt me but he wondered out loud if it was ever going to be enough for me. I think his exact words were that I am very intense and when we are together he feels my need for pain, where does it end, will it ever be enough, will he be able to go as far as I want. I wonder if these are common thoughts for a new Dom. I'll be honest I don't like that fact that he is having them because I do not believe that is the case, I just think we haven't gotten that far yet. I don't want him to stop if I cry, heck I want to not want to do what he is telling me to do and have to do it anyway. Make sense?
I crave the need for his mental control too, all the time. I know realistically it's not possible right now. We do not live together and I have A LOT of responsibilities outside of our relationship but I am growing to need to feel it around me at all times. I need to be reminded it is there or I get grumpy. He knows this, I have told him this, I think he likes it but I do not think he understands the intensity of it nor do I think I can express it.
I don't know what my point is here but I guess I'm just a little scared of it all.
Oh DB, I have been having very very similar thoughts myself. In fact, I have been trying all morning to get my thoughts to clear enough to write. My house is sparkling clean but I'm not sure the thoughts are so clear, lol. I will probably be surprised at what does come out when I start writing, I usually am.
ReplyDeleteYour post was great. I'm sure you saw my comment. We can lean on each other.
DeleteMy first D/s relationship ended for a few reasons but one factor that made me realise it wasnt going to last is my need for pain was more than he felt comfortable giving....please dont think this means it applies to you both....he was a dom with experience but we simply wasnt compatible so i dont think its just new doms that have these thoughts.
ReplyDeleteOn the other side of the coin i have been with my Master 5 years and my masochism does not come close to his level of sadism (he is far more experienced than myself) and its something i have and still do on occassions fret about...ie am i enough for him.
I guess my point is this is something you need to explore together and as you said yourself its not something you have really delved into. It seems clear that he does have sadistic tendencies as you stated yourself and the great thing is you are both on the same level so its all new to both of you....and i think thats an advantage.
My masochistic needs scare me because of how much i crave pain and how far will i go.
It is intense because i think sometimes the need to be controlled physically as well as mentally can be almost addictive...the more control they exert the more its craved and so it goes on and on...
Enjoy exploring and try not to focus on how far will it go..just enjoy the moments as they happen and go from there......and i will try to practice what i preach lol....damn why is always so easier to give others advice and thoughts but not apply them to yourself!
tori xx
I agree with you on addictive note. I seem to crave more on the mental side and sometimes I have a hrader time accepting that part of it. It is always easier to give others advice but I find it helpful too. Your comments were very thopughful and gave me a lot to think about.
DeleteI think being a little taken aback by the need for pain (on both sides) is normal.
ReplyDeleteMy husband has said the same thing a couple of times - he thinks I would probably handle more than he's given me thus far, but he's not willing to risk damaging me.
I think those sorts of thoughts are common enough in any relationship - maybe not regarding pain, but whatever one partner needs from the other... you just never know, do you?
You do never know. I'm thinking one day I will bite off more than I can chew, LOL.
DeleteDear Tori, Thank you for such an honest and candid post. I learn so much from everyone and become stronger for my L. Does it ever scare you or get to the feeling that you might get overwhelmed?
ReplyDeleteLove, Isabella
This was a great question. I wrote a post around it today.
DeleteI hope you're able to get what you need/want. One thing that amazes me is that my desires change as time goes on. Right now, I don't see such a need for pain for myself, but I'm open to change. That's one thing I'm enjoying about ttwd. It doesn't have to stay exactly the same.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Kitty
Yes that is what is great about ttwd, it is different all the time and there are so many great people to blog with. I too feel like the minute I have one desire sated a new one pops up.
DeleteYou make perfect sense. You want pain but you aren't sure how far you want to go. Do you have a safeword? Having one might be a good idea so he knows that if you cry but don't use the safeword, you still want or need or can take more. Good luck on your journey. And don't feel scared. This is who you are. Wanting pain is normal for you.
ReplyDeleteFD
Oh FD you are so right. It is who I am. We do need to talk about a safeword....right now he just tells me to tell him to stop if its too much.
Delete"I want to not want to do what he is telling me to do and have to do it anyway."
ReplyDeleteLol, oh yes--it makes sense.
I am so glad you get it. It's tough to wrap your head around when it's new.
Delete