I can now say I know I am truly a masochist. When we are together I crave for him to cause me pain. I know to date we have not delved too far into the pain side of things but I want it, I think I need it, I fantasize about it. Is he a sadist, well I'm not sure. I believe he took pleasure in watching me squirm with each hit the crop delivered to my clit and lips, he watched my face, he smirked at my reaction, he held my legs open when I tried to close them to shield myself......but was it purely for me? I don't know. I pushed it out of my mind because these things take time, but then out of the blue he made a passing comment. It was not meant to hurt me but he wondered out loud if it was ever going to be enough for me. I think his exact words were that I am very intense and when we are together he feels my need for pain, where does it end, will it ever be enough, will he be able to go as far as I want. I wonder if these are common thoughts for a new Dom. I'll be honest I don't like that fact that he is having them because I do not believe that is the case, I just think we haven't gotten that far yet. I don't want him to stop if I cry, heck I want to not want to do what he is telling me to do and have to do it anyway. Make sense?
I crave the need for his mental control too, all the time. I know realistically it's not possible right now. We do not live together and I have A LOT of responsibilities outside of our relationship but I am growing to need to feel it around me at all times. I need to be reminded it is there or I get grumpy. He knows this, I have told him this, I think he likes it but I do not think he understands the intensity of it nor do I think I can express it.
I don't know what my point is here but I guess I'm just a little scared of it all.