The Beginning

There are so many wonderful blogs I have read and kept up with that gave me the strength to become comfortable with who I am. I would have liked to follow many from the beginning of the journey and that being the case I thought I should start mine from just that....the beginning. It took me a long time to get here but I am excited for what the future holds.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

The Fallout

The morning after the big confession we slept late. Once the girls were settled in and a bit of coffee had been consumed it was time to give Daddy a call and see just how much reading he had gotten through. Since it was later in the morning he had informed me he had read quite a bit. Daddy's tone was neutral and we spoke about the content of the blog. He mentioned the writing being a little one sided (which of course it would be) and that the tones of the posts were a bit bolder than when we had discussed things in person. This was surprising to hear, one never felt meek during those heated discussions and she was certainly punished for it on more than one occasion. The most important thing he noted was that he could read the love felt for him in the writing. He advised he would like to see less detail of our more personal moments, which of course is not a problem, and we moved on to other subjects.

It was Super bowl Sunday so we had plans to go to a friends house to watch the game. We firmed up our plans to meet later in the day before hanging up. Daddy still had a lot more reading to do and because we would be out late the kids needed to be totally ready for school the next morning before we went out.

The text came in a little later that afternoon and it was not good. It was in regards to a post written back in February of last year, a time that was riddled with guilt over splitting up my existing family. Many of you were with me during that period but you can also read about it here. It was not too long (2 1/2 months) after the girls and I moved out of the "family home" and both my ex and my youngest daughter were devastated by my choices and wishing that things would work out. Things with Daddy were up and down as well and the feeling of being pulled in a million different directions was prevalent. There was many sleepless nights spent pondering if the right decisions were being made and if judgments were being clouded by these new cravings for dominance and a male led relationship. Daddy's habit of being really close to me and then backing off was not helping either, but he was dealing with all the crazy emotions of this as well, wanting more but not being able to have it just yet.

It was during this time when dropping off one of the girls instead of pushing the crying ex away from me he was allowed to lean in for a kiss before leaving. The kiss maybe lasted 2 seconds but it happened nonetheless. The decision was regretted as soon as it was made and one left not to think much of it after it happened.

Daddy, however, just finding out about it for the first time thought quite a bit about it. The hurt came through quite clearly in his texts as he pointed out that this was lying and cheating and something he could never forgive. To be honest it was a post that had been forgotten about. It was something that should have been discussed up front and not read by Daddy when we were apart. Daddy is big on using texts when we have disagreements which drives one crazy. After trying to call him several times with no answer it appeared texting back was the only thing one could do. The back and forth began. There was begging to talk on the phone but he refused. There were attempted explanations of what one was going through at the time that were unaccepted. Daddy was adamant cheating was cheating, lying was lying and any little bit of trust that was left after finding out about the blog was gone. Half the day was spent crying and begging via text. At some point anger set in and further attempts at making it better seemed futile. Disbelief that is was over just like that started setting it and slave just became quiet.  

A few hours later we were each a bit calmed and were able to talk. Daddy was willing to talk about it but if he broke his cardinal rule of trying to work it out with someone who had cheated on him it was going to be a long tough road to gaining back trust within the relationship. Deep inside slave felt "cheating" was a harsh and unfair label to put on what had taken place but she was so relieved she was being given a chance she didn't dare a say a word. She just wanted forgiveness.

Daddy came over and we spoke a bit more before getting on with our original plans but he was very clear about the tight leash one would be on until she had earned back his trust. Daddy felt betrayed and very, very hurt and was wondering what else one was hiding from him. Slave felt drained and her face felt swollen.

The evening watching the game with friends was actually a lot of fun and slave stayed close to her Daddy. There were a few times Daddy denied her a jello shooter or other things friends were offering during the game just to show how upset he really was. While bummed her last night out before the surgery (that would lay her up for a weeks) was being hampered slave said nothing. She did however wonder what was ahead.

The night ended late and we hastily departed with these issues hanging over our head. Unfortunately we were not really able to deal with this much more due to the surgery and hospital stay (which he was amazing through) but now that one is home its coming back to something we need to talk about more.

We still have a lot to work through and it’s going to take a while. While what happened was wrong and there is indeed trust that needs to be earned back as a result slave worries that Daddy is going to use this incident to push other issues that we butted heads on in the past. Only time will tell.


  1. Not really sure what to say. I don't think it was cheating, if this was such an emotional time of breaking up one marriage, trying to move forward, and consoling the person you used to love. Just my opinion though. I hope you guys figure it out.

    1. Thanks for your support Julia, we are working through it and it has not been bad.

  2. dancing im going to be upfront because well thats me and i hope no offence is caused to you or your Master.

    You were back then going through a rough time, sure perhaps you should have mentioned the kiss, you didnt, it was a little kiss not cheating, i think major overaction on his part.

    This whole only communicating via text when there is a disagreement is something i expect from my teenage son when he is throwing a tantrum not from a grown man, its when there is a disagreement that face to face is the more mature way to handle something.

    Now your going through a lot what with the surgery etc and the blog sure it must have come as a revelation, reading through etc, but this is a time when you need support and understanding, not someone denying you things to show you how upset he sorry but again i expect that from my children, not a grown man.

    I hope things get more settled.


    1. I have come back because its been playing on my mind that perhaps that comment was harsh, i stand by what i said but its because i care about you, anyway you know how to get hold of me....anytime.


    2. Tori, Tori, Tori,

      You know your friendship and opinion is one very valued and appreciated over here. That being said as you can imagine Master was very offended by your comments.

      As you could probably tell from the tone of the post we are in agreement regarding the over reaction as well as the issue of not being able to do things the night of the super bowl. It was unfair and yet one was feeling too guilty to really say anything about it at the time.

      Thats the great thing about blogging seeing other peoples thought make you look back and go "OK maybe some of the gut reaction one was feeling was right even if what happened was wrong."

      Daddy did say (that night) the reason he did not want to talk by phone was because he was so angry he didn't want to say anything he could not take back later so maybe that was not such a bad idea at the time.

      What did not come thru on this post (but I do intend to post about later) was how things went at the hospital before, during and after the surgery. Sunday was bad and we didn't resolve the issue but after that day any discussion about it was put on hold and he was just there for me helping me out in any way he could. It was only once home from the hospital this week that it came up again and at that point one expressed that were getting upset about it.


      PS. Hi Conina!

    3. Im sorry, i do need to think about how i express myself sometimes, i tend to speak before thinking and its something he pulls me up on!

      You are quite right in sometimes the written word can be interpreted not how its intended, i should know that as i have had my fair share of it.

      I am sorry if i have caused upset, that was not my intention.


  3. I have had you in my thoughts since your last post and hoping for an update.

    I remember how you poured out your feelings in your blog. I really believe you needed to do so with all that was going on. You needed the support of this community of friends. Many people supported you.

    I hope that your Daddy understands that you needed this support and is understanding.


    1. Thanks Joey,

      Everybody here really did help me during those times and continue to help everyday. Daddy does see that but at the same time he just doesn't understand how something like this could be hidden from him for so long and it's hard to try and explain it but the this one is going to keep trying.

      What was written was very candid and at the time slave does not feel she could have written so openly if he was reading. Now that we are much closer it's

  4. WOW....I feel for the two of you....I cannot imagine having to through a health crises in the middle of such a life crises. I do think cheating is a bit of a stretch. For me, after a difficult, emotional time, i often find more strength and growth, and a better relationship...i wish that for you.
    hugs abby

    1. Thanks Abby, overall we are fairing well and hopefully we can work through it and get to that strength and growth.

      One thing that was strange was Sunday night even after the hard day we clung to each other the whole night.

  5. I hope you are able to work everything out... Best wishes, Terpsichore

    1. Thanks Terp, we are trying the best we can and appreciate your support.

  6. I have been thinking of you and I feel for you. I too think it's a bit of a stretch to consider it cheating. I think it's important to recognise that it was a very difficult and emotional time for all involved. Also, it is in the past and I think the main thing to look at is how you two have grown both individually and as a couple since and where you are now.

    I hope you are able to work everything else and move forward.


    1. Thanks Roz, it was an emotional time for both of us back then but we should have been leaning on each other instead of turning away from each other.

      We have grown a lot since then and that is important to note. Thanks for pointing that out.

  7. It does seem like a bit of a stretch and...well...I wonder why stuff that is so far in the past is hitting him so deeply. I can see why he's hurt, but the never trust again seems to be hitting him in a place where maybe he needs to do some work.

    Oh I don't know...what can I know...just thinking of you and hoping you've been able to keep talking and move forward.

    1. Thanks for your support Susie, I really appreciate it.

      My feelings on this were split, partly feeling like maybe some of it was deserved and partly feeling like it was over the top.

      Either way, we are working through it.

  8. A very moving blog. I hope things will be better for you soon.
    Wishing you the very best
    Jack's jill

  9. it's obvious many of us think "cheating" is a stretch. seriously. that's the father of your children! and it was ages ago. and you were in a really tough place.

    What happened to being supportive and a pillar of strength?

  10. Too much drama over a kiss from an ex and not even recently. I think he is seriously over reacting. He needs to put on his big boy pants because his actions are more like a school boy than a strong man. Just sayin.

    Hope he's realized that it is such a small thing in the scope of things and that all is well with you. Who knows, maybe it was just the stress of facing your surgery that made you both so vulnerable.


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