The Beginning

There are so many wonderful blogs I have read and kept up with that gave me the strength to become comfortable with who I am. I would have liked to follow many from the beginning of the journey and that being the case I thought I should start mine from just that....the beginning. It took me a long time to get here but I am excited for what the future holds.


Friday, April 20, 2012

A week of up, downs and spankings

I have not been blogging, this week has had crazy up and downs with the ex. On top of that I have been experiencing some nasty PMS. Yesterday I just lost it and here is the email I got this morning:

Good morning my beautiful lil girl. I hope you slept well and had a good morning so far. I love you very deeply babygirl.

The attitude and tones were very bad yesterday. And you topped it off last night. I guess you already knew you were in trouble. I will tell you how to approach things in the future w/o just getting an attitude and switching to a totally different person. That isn't the lil girl I know and love. Today will be the roughest yet honey. No delay.

I love you my baby.

Needless to say I am not happy about this at all. Deep down I know I deserve it but I don't feel sorry for how I acted. He irritated me and I am still quite a bit irritated. I hope this helps me get over it. I guess I'll let you know.

Now for an update on the daily maintenance. We fell a bit off schedule which perhaps did not help things.

Monday started with a punishment spanking for losing my temper with one of the girls and then snapping at him when he tried to calm her down. It wasn't a big deal but I did raise my voice which is absolutely banned when speaking to anybody ever. I grew up in NYC and I am Italian so yelling in my family is a pretty common occurrence (we yell at each other 1 second and then we are laughing the next) so I am struggling with this one a bit but working on it. The punishment was pretty light and really only consisted of about 10 hand smacks at full force. I must admit I was pretty surprised when he told me I could get up and we could go about our day just goofing around and having a ton of silly fun together, it was great.

The second Monday spanking was an entirely different experience. To be honest I don't really remember how it started but the spoon with the slots in the middle was used several times as well as the leather strap. I remember thinking that I chose a bad position because I was having a hard time staying still even with his hand on my back but we are still learning and I will chose more wisely from now on. The leather strap handle has metal grommets on it and once I started moving too much he started using the handle part to strike with which was pretty stingy. That spanking was pretty intense but I was extremely turned on by his show of dominance and couldn't keep myself away from him after that. He commanded me to sit on his face when we were done and I happily complied until I was sweaty wheezing mess totally unaware of any soreness which was quite prominent later in the day.

Monday night was when everything went really bad with the ex. He showed up at one the girls practices and made a huge scene, the girls were hysterical crying and embarrassed in front of their friends. A few bystanders just told me to get in car and go and luckily my close girlfriend was there so the kids could keep practicing (they had calmed down and just walked away after a while). It was the best advice they could have given as he stopped after I left and the girls went back to playing like nothing happened. Unfortunately when I picked them back up it started all over again and he was asked to leave the school property. There was another instance earlier in the week in which he physically tried to force himself on me so Tuesday there was no spanking since Master felt the need to try and get the severity of the situation into my head via some long talks.

Wednesday maintenance was also done by hand and was longer than some punishments spankings but it was quite the stress reliever and brought us really close together which was what I really needed. We held each other close and tight and he whispered how precious I was to him for a long time and until I stopped shaking. We had a wonderful night with the girls, laughing and playing and taking their mind off of all the craziness that is going on in the background. Master is so good with my girls and watching them together gives me a sense of true peace I have not felt in a long time. It's nice to see my older daughter light up at a male role model that treats her kindly and just allows her to be a kid. Saying goodbye was hard but we both had to go so only one spanking that day.

Yesterday as you can tell from the email I pasted into the beginning of this post was rough. Master feels like I am not taking the behavior of my ex to heart because of my past experience in a very long bad relationship I was in right before my marriage. In a way he is right, there is nothing my ex would do that is worse than what I have been through before so perhaps I am not taking things as serioulsy has he thinks I should. He kept pushing the issue and after a while I was tired of it and caught a HUGE attitude. I pretty much told him saying the same thing ten different ways was not going to change my mind and he needed to stop....that he couldn't control my feelings and these were his opinions, not fact. I know I should have just kept my mouth shut but he kept on me for hours and I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt like he was trying to break me down to get me face some things that I am not ready to talk about yet.  He was very very mad at me and hence there was no way he could spank with all those emotions going on. 

So that brings us all the way around to this morning (sorry it took me so long to get here) with a punishment spanking looming over my head. One that I deserve but I'm annoyed about which has me confused because this is what I asked for. I can't wait to see Daddy and melt into his arms but at the same time I feel like my attitude was justified because he was harping on me too much. I also feel like this is not the right attitude for me to have and I need to snap out of it. I know this makes no sense but yet here I am......maybe I'll just focus on Saturday night....babysitter, dinner a few margaritas and some snuggling.  Yep that's what I am going to do for now.

Sorry I have not been commenting so much but I will be.

18 comments:

  1. At first, giving someone control over your life sounds romantic and fun, but when the metal hits the road, so to speak, it smacks of real life and I think that's where you're at. It's not always roses or maybe it is roses, but you're getting the thorns today.

    Good luck having the proper attitude. From what you've said, I think your Daddy is correct. I also think you shouldn't blow him off when he's trying to help you.

    Sorry to be so tough, but where your children are concerned, it seems necessary to take all precautions. That is not good that they are having to deal with such stress in their young lives.

    (((Hugs!)))

    Love,
    Kitty

    P.S. I'm really not trying to criticize and I hope it gets better soon.

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    1. Hi Kitty, I actually really appreciate your comments. I was able to pull myself together and have a much better attitude this weekend. When I finally calmed down and just decided to do exactly as I was told things were much better.

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  2. Wow that does sound like an awful week. I am wondering if Master gave you any concrete things you can do to help the situation with the ex? Sometimes having something to do, even something minor, makes accepting the situation a little easier. Good luck and keep focusing on Saturday :)

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    1. You must have read Daddy's mind. He gave me a list with some very clear instructions. I went to the old house (when I knew it would be empty)and got out a lot of stuff that I had left behind and some other items that were important to the girls. It helped clear my head and he was happy it got done.

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  3. There are learning curves, i think forever maybe - at least for as long as we've been at it. I've found that we have to drop - not out of role actually - but there has to be some time we can each communicate openly. We have to be calm, and rational, and respectful - but we also have to be free to really discuss issues - especially things like kids, or big life decisions, or our overall feelings. It doesn't mean he isn't ultimately in charge, but big life things i think take more frank discussion - really hearing and being heard. Good luck.

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    1. I think that was part of the problem, I didn't feel like he was being realistic with how he wanted me to handle the situation, especially when my ex and my youngest daughter are so close. He did decide that we would set aside some time twice a month when I would be able to speak freely without the threat of punishment. He really helped me overcome some things this weekend so it's better now.

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  4. Your human, your going to have moments when everything isnt going smoothly, i think sometimes being submissive and having a dominant to take control there is this tendency to expect everything to fall into place and when it doesnt we give ourselves a hard time.

    Also just because someone is dominant does not mean they are always right, or make the right choices/decisions they are human as well...well i think lol When it comes to issues that you are having which involves the ex and your daughters then its a situation that requires discussion and yes as greengirl said to leave the dynamic aside.

    Being punished or brought to task over your behaviour which may well be caused by the anxiety over this situation could end up building resentment, yes you may have handled it wrongly with your outburst....but its better to have an understanding of why you reacted this way and to discuss positively how it could have been handled differently....sometimes punishment simply isnt needed...it isnt a quick fix....communciation, talking and listening is.

    Hope its a better weekend for you

    tori xx

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    1. Thanks for the everbody human comment, sometime I put to much pressure on myself. The weekend did get much better and after we spoke I did really feel the punishment was warranted. He understands how overwhelmed I was feeling. I feel like once we get though this we can get through everything.

      I 100% agree sometimes spankings just don't help but it did help me this time to at least feel less stressed.

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  5. *hugs* I totally get the ex thing - just had a huge go-around with my ex (and my Daddy is deployed right now). I understand that you may feel that the problem is yours, and you don't want to burden your Daddy with it. But that's what Daddies are for. When you let him into the problem & seek his advice you are giving him great amounts of trust and respect, and alleviating some of your burden. Not to say that he needs to handle negotiations, but he would likely be happy to be the buffer, to step in when your ex is being a bully, if you invite him to do so.

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    1. June, you are 100% right. By saturday morning I was just too tired to disagree anymore and I just let him take the lead. He assessed the situation, told me what to do, came over when I was ready for his help and encouraged me to deal with the situation when I might have otherwise ignored it. His whole demeanor changed when I let him in and we are moving forward. Thanks for your words of encouragement.

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  6. Sorry things have been rough lately. I do hope that you get to enjoy your weekend though. (((hugs)))

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    1. Thanks Grace, we had a nice dinner on Saturday and spent a lot of time cuddling. It was very comforting.

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  7. Hugs from me too! Maybe after your maintenace spanking you and Master cana talk and find a way to deal with all this. I cannot imagine how stressful this must be for you...hand in there. It soes sound like you have a good person...Master...to heolp you through this. abby

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    1. Master has been great in helping me out, I don't know why I fight him so much on this particular issue. It's almost like I get protective of my ex which puts Master on edge and just makes him mad.i just always want to see the good in everybody.

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  8. Yanno, green girl and tori are on the right track. It's must be difficult for you, getting all stressed out over the ex and then getting punished...because...well...ultimately because your stressed.

    The problem mouse has when she's deeply stressed out, she doesn't think about why...when Omega asks then mouse stops and considers it. Later, she can say to him in the appropriate tone she was lacking in, what the issue is.

    The yelling thing...oh mouse came from a family like that..lol. Just going to wish you the best.... :-)

    Hugs,
    mouse

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    1. That's exactly what I did, I just spouted off at the mouth without even thinking. The crazy thing is the punishment was as promised and I did scream and I was really very sore but it helped with the stress level and I was sorry for they way I had acted.

      I listened the rest of the weekend and the situation is a bit better.

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  9. Aw sounds like you had a very difficult week. I am sorry to hear what happened with your ex and your children. I'm glad you were able to get him to leave. It looks like your Master is being quite strict with you as well, I hope your looming spanking wasn't too terrible and that you're able to enjoy your time tonight. *hugs*

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    1. Yes Master has become quote strict but today I really feel it is what I need. The punishment came and went and we had a nice dinner and enjoyed eachother's company. The ex has been pretty quiet but I did pack up a bunch of stuff yesterday when he was not home and he has the kids today so we will see how it goes when I pick them up tonight....fingers crossed.

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