I have not been blogging, this week has had crazy up and downs with the ex. On top of that I have been experiencing some nasty PMS. Yesterday I just lost it and here is the email I got this morning:
Good morning my beautiful lil girl. I hope you slept well and had a good morning so far. I love you very deeply babygirl.
The attitude and tones were very bad yesterday. And you topped it off last night. I guess you already knew you were in trouble. I will tell you how to approach things in the future w/o just getting an attitude and switching to a totally different person. That isn't the lil girl I know and love. Today will be the roughest yet honey. No delay.
I love you my baby.
Needless to say I am not happy about this at all. Deep down I know I deserve it but I don't feel sorry for how I acted. He irritated me and I am still quite a bit irritated. I hope this helps me get over it. I guess I'll let you know.
Now for an update on the daily maintenance. We fell a bit off schedule which perhaps did not help things.
Monday started with a punishment spanking for losing my temper with one of the girls and then snapping at him when he tried to calm her down. It wasn't a big deal but I did raise my voice which is absolutely banned when speaking to anybody ever. I grew up in NYC and I am Italian so yelling in my family is a pretty common occurrence (we yell at each other 1 second and then we are laughing the next) so I am struggling with this one a bit but working on it. The punishment was pretty light and really only consisted of about 10 hand smacks at full force. I must admit I was pretty surprised when he told me I could get up and we could go about our day just goofing around and having a ton of silly fun together, it was great.
The second Monday spanking was an entirely different experience. To be honest I don't really remember how it started but the spoon with the slots in the middle was used several times as well as the leather strap. I remember thinking that I chose a bad position because I was having a hard time staying still even with his hand on my back but we are still learning and I will chose more wisely from now on. The leather strap handle has metal grommets on it and once I started moving too much he started using the handle part to strike with which was pretty stingy. That spanking was pretty intense but I was extremely turned on by his show of dominance and couldn't keep myself away from him after that. He commanded me to sit on his face when we were done and I happily complied until I was sweaty wheezing mess totally unaware of any soreness which was quite prominent later in the day.
Monday night was when everything went really bad with the ex. He showed up at one the girls practices and made a huge scene, the girls were hysterical crying and embarrassed in front of their friends. A few bystanders just told me to get in car and go and luckily my close girlfriend was there so the kids could keep practicing (they had calmed down and just walked away after a while). It was the best advice they could have given as he stopped after I left and the girls went back to playing like nothing happened. Unfortunately when I picked them back up it started all over again and he was asked to leave the school property. There was another instance earlier in the week in which he physically tried to force himself on me so Tuesday there was no spanking since Master felt the need to try and get the severity of the situation into my head via some long talks.
Wednesday maintenance was also done by hand and was longer than some punishments spankings but it was quite the stress reliever and brought us really close together which was what I really needed. We held each other close and tight and he whispered how precious I was to him for a long time and until I stopped shaking. We had a wonderful night with the girls, laughing and playing and taking their mind off of all the craziness that is going on in the background. Master is so good with my girls and watching them together gives me a sense of true peace I have not felt in a long time. It's nice to see my older daughter light up at a male role model that treats her kindly and just allows her to be a kid. Saying goodbye was hard but we both had to go so only one spanking that day.
Yesterday as you can tell from the email I pasted into the beginning of this post was rough. Master feels like I am not taking the behavior of my ex to heart because of my past experience in a very long bad relationship I was in right before my marriage. In a way he is right, there is nothing my ex would do that is worse than what I have been through before so perhaps I am not taking things as serioulsy has he thinks I should. He kept pushing the issue and after a while I was tired of it and caught a HUGE attitude. I pretty much told him saying the same thing ten different ways was not going to change my mind and he needed to stop....that he couldn't control my feelings and these were his opinions, not fact. I know I should have just kept my mouth shut but he kept on me for hours and I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt like he was trying to break me down to get me face some things that I am not ready to talk about yet. He was very very mad at me and hence there was no way he could spank with all those emotions going on.
So that brings us all the way around to this morning (sorry it took me so long to get here) with a punishment spanking looming over my head. One that I deserve but I'm annoyed about which has me confused because this is what I asked for. I can't wait to see Daddy and melt into his arms but at the same time I feel like my attitude was justified because he was harping on me too much. I also feel like this is not the right attitude for me to have and I need to snap out of it. I know this makes no sense but yet here I am......maybe I'll just focus on Saturday night....babysitter, dinner a few margaritas and some snuggling. Yep that's what I am going to do for now.
Sorry I have not been commenting so much but I will be.