Finalized

Sir and I have been talking about D/s and the type of relationship we want to build for quite some time. I have watched his attitude go from confused to reluctant to OK let's try to taking the reins. We have talked until we were both blue in the face and then we talked some more. I did not initially bring up everything I wanted, I don't think I knew everything I wanted at first. When I brought up certain things some were met with complete resistance so I let them go. Last week I decided to try again....why not things were working well in the bedroom and outside of the bedroom.....let's try talking about DD one more time. I brought it up and this time got NO resistance whatsoever. Sir started reading.....started reading everything, he even called a few times just to make sure this was what I wanted because he was really starting to understand and wanted to move forward with it. Did I really want to to take spanking and other discipline outside of the bedroom play? I assured him this was what I really wanted and needed and it all boiled down to a conversation that started on Friday and ended yesterday. He caught me off guard this weekend, he jumped so far ahead of me my head was spinning. He ended the conversation with:

Are you sure there is nothing else you want to talk about now or anything you might have a real problem with because once were done here we are done. We've agreed on the terms and from here on out I get the final say.

I once again assured him I was good with where we were going. Here is a rundown of what we agreed on:

• We are starting DD with maintenance and without corner time. We will do quiet time and lecturing at his discretion. 
• I will address him as Sir when responding to a directive or answering a yes or no question, Daddy at other times and by name in front of the kids or in public. 
• We established a safe word. 
• We went over hard limits. 
• I will no longer refer to any part of my body as "my" when speaking to him. It's all his and I will refer to it that way. (It's actually not as easy as it sounds and it is going to take some time). 
• I no longer can say no to anything he asks or decides unless it falls under the hard limits we talked about or has something to do with my children. If I don't agree or like something I will politely ask if we can talk about it and if he says yes we can discuss it but it does not mean he is going to change his stance. 
• I will sit on the floor at his feet when practical unless otherwise advised (I do this anyway, even at friends and in front of my kids and parents so this is not a big deal). 
• I will sleep on the bed but at his feet if told to do so. 
• I did bargain for a lower weight of 115 but he reserves the right to change his mind if it really bothers him. 

There are also of course the typical things that were always there such as the having the cell phone and calling at specific times but those were not real changes so I did not mention them above. I must admit I am a bit relieved to have the initial talking phase over. We both know what we want and what to expect from the other now. I was a bit surprised on how much his views changed on certain things (both on the pain and emotional side of things) in such a short period of time and I welcome the changes with a certain fascination. I feel lucky that I have the opportunity to experience his dominance grow first hand, that I get to feed, nurture and it love it. That I get to love him. 

A surprise lunch time punishment

I usually do not post twice in a day but I got a lunch time punishment today that was, well quite shocking.

Last night Daddy came over for just a few hours and mostly spent time with my oldest child, they were really just reading and goofing around and then he helped put her to bed. I had picked out my work outfit for today and ironed it and just got some stuff done while the kiddo was occupied.

I had grabbed some of my old stuff from the Ex when picking the kids up after work. Some of the items I grabbed were college memorabilia which included the thick wooden paddle my big sister had given to me when I pledged for a sorority. Daddy and I were kind of chuckling about it when he saw me putting away some stuff and damn if he did not grab the paddle before he left.

We have not ventured into the arena of punishment spankings. Mostly because daddy knows how much I enjoy being spanked and he would much prefer to withhold allowing me pleasure when he his upset about something. Up until today even though I hated it I really thought that was probably the most effective. 

One thing that really ticks Daddy off is that I have an obsession with my weight. Realistically I know that I am small and that daddy loves my body but I do get hung up about it from time to time. We do have a rule that my weight cannot fall below 119 (it used to be 120 but I bargained for another pound) but most some days I just don't feel good about it and I have been tempted to let it go lower and just hope he does not notice.

Anyway, Daddy was off today and he was coming to visit me for lunch. He had sent me an email saying he could just imagine how hot I looked in the dress and shoes he saw me lay out last night. I absentmindedly answered that the dress made me look fat and he shouldn't get too excited about it and then went on working. Later I got a reply "your lack of confidence just disappointed me." and that was it. To be honest I kind of rolled me eyes when I saw it.

Lunch time came around and he let me know he was outside. I went out to the truck and everything seemed fine. We drove around a bit talking until he pulled into a parking garage and parked at the very top of a very empty level. He slipped into the backseat and motioned for me to join him.....I climbed to the back expecting a little play but instead he grabbed me around the waist facing me sideways and started spanking in quick succession over my dress. I started getting into it a little bit but then he shoved me over his knees, lifted up my skirt, pulled down panties and reached back into the covered cab, grabbed the paddle and went to town. This paddle is think and heavy, not like the other paddles we have "played" with. It stung like hell and I knew exactly what it was about. After about 20 swats I was really trying to move, I have never had a real punishment spanking before and I had to really resist trying to cover my but with my hand. He finally asked me if that was enough and I said yes. WRONG ANSWER he said as he stopped for a minute and said you know the correct answer should have been it's enough when you say so daddy and I think I may have gotten about three more really hard paddles after that.

We did cuddle after that and Daddy told me how beautiful I am and he wants me to own it. We were fine when it was over and I have to admit I do not like that I got him upset. That damn paddle hurt like hell (Oh, by the way he likes it very much - it's his favorite new implement) but it kind of turned me on when he reprimanded me for answering him that way when he asked if that was enough.

Sitting at my desk right now is not really very comfortable.

Opposition to Orgasm

This past weekend Daddy and I went to my best friends house after one of their children's birthday parties. I have always spent a lot of time at their home as they live close and we each have 2 children in the same grades that play together often. Usually within minutes of us arriving the kids disappear to play leaving the adults with plenty of time to relax.This was Daddy's 2nd time to visit their home with me.

Over the years I have developed a friendship with my girlfriends husband as well. He is a bit of a heavy drinker and he enjoys when I come over (about once a month) as the two of us will often drink a 12-18 pack while the kids play and the 3 of us hang out. My girlfriend is always there but is not much of a drinker so he often refers to me as his drinking buddy. The problem comes into play in that sometimes he will call me at work (yes, I have told my friend) or pinches my waist when I walk by or leans in a little close when talking to me. He does this freely in front of his wife and while it does bother me I mostly let it go because the friendship is important to me. Daddy?.....not so much. 


By around 11:00pm Daddy had had it. His anger must have been building because I had no idea he was upset until he pulled me aside and told me he was leaving. He told me I was to get the girls together and be home within 15 minute,  I was to call when we got in the door. There was no offer to walk us home or wait for us to get ready.Then he just left. I was a little perplexed, I had stayed by Daddy's side the whole night and even made sure I was touching him the whole time unless I was helping the kids to do something, going to the bathroom or getting a drink.I was hoping that would be enough, that he would just blow of all the attention I was getting from the husband although deep down I guess I knew it would be a problem.

I gathered up the girls and called when we got in. I got a nice long lecture about disrespect, not towards him but towards me from others and my acceptance of it.  Shocker.... I caught a big attitude and tried to minimize the situation. We hung up really upset with each other.  I sat for a long time and questioned my reaction. Although he didn't say it Daddy was upset because he felt not in control of the situation. He had only met these friends a few times and knew the friendship was important to me. On the other hand he did not want me over there drinking anymore. He was struggling with saying it because he knows I don't get many opportunities to hang out, drink with friends, not have to get a sitter or worry about driving. To tell me do so  would be a big deal. I started thinking about what I want, what I have asked for...it's easy to submit when it is something you want...but this? After some time I picked up the phone:

Daddy

I'm tired and I have to work at 6, I don't want to do this right now. 

Wait Daddy, I'm sorry I got defensive, I understand why you are upset. I don't want to argue over him or go to bed upset. Whatever you say is the way it is.

He calmed. You didn't really do anything wrong. We could talk more about it tomorrow. I love you. 

We got off the phone.

The next day both girls had play dates. He finished work and came over. We didn't really talk to each other too much but we kissed and he led me upstairs. We undressed and he bent me over the bed. I wasn't really sure what to expect but I braced myself for a spanking (I had a pretty big attitude on the phone) instead I felt his fingers tracing my outer lips. My knees buckled just a bit but he reached his arm around me to hold me up. I wanted so bad to feel his fingers slip in, waiting, needing but instead he thrust himself inside me so forcefully I yelped at the penetration. He was rough and I was moaning...he moved his hand from my waist up to the front of my neck, thrusting me back into him by my throat. His other hand was pinching and twisting my nipple only stopping long enough to deliver slaps to my ass that were hard enough to knock me over had he not had that grasp on my neck. I started to float. I could hear myself whimpering, my body quivering and tensing and with that he stopped. He flipped me over onto the edge of the bed and threw my legs over my shoulder, plunging into me again he reached down to grab my nipples which was enough for me to cum uncontrollably....he pulled himself out of me to mark my body....Rub it into your skin, all of it he commanded and watched until I was done. I scrambled up onto the bed afterward, laying on my stomach to relax (and to not have my bum which was on fire touch anything). He laid beside me rubbing my bottom for a long while until I felt his had raise. As that first slap landed I inched as close to him as possible (I always do that) and I felt my juices dripping down my thighs. Eventually I started wiggling but he placed his hand on my back to keep me still, I felt the tears building at the corners of my eyes and then spilling down my face. We continued on like that for what felt like eternity until his fingers slipped inside me and my muscles clenched around them. I raised up on all fours rocking my body back and forth against his hand forgetting about the 40 or so swats that hurt so much. He pushes my head down to the mattress, forcing my backside up higher and I feel his tongue on my inner thigh, his fingers still pounding me feverishly. I'm lost in ecstasy until I feel a pain so intense I can't  place it. I am shocked as I realize it's his teeth sinking into the fleshiest part of my battered bottom. Each times he lets go he only comes back to bite me again. I scrambled to get away but that hand on my back has moved up to my head and is pinning me down to the mattress as the biting continues. I want it to stop....I think...but I refuse to say the word and then all of a sudden I am riding that wave of orgasm and I am pretty sure I am going to feint any second but I don't.

As we collapse tangled into each other  I can't help but think what could have turned into a big fight, a stand off lasting for days (yes, we are both very stubborn) turned into this because I submit. Daddy still never told me I could not go over there to drink anymore and there is a part of me that wants to make him say it but deep down I know what he wants and if I know that what is the point of making him demand it.

Submission has it's perks and I am still feeling the affects of it today.

Going too Far

Well I have been away on business and I must admit it was really tough being away from blog land. I cannot wait to catch up with everyone! Last week Isabella posted a question wondering if I ever get scared of being overwhelmed. The short answer is yes, I think we all do, but I also interpreted the question  as her asking about being scared of things going too far. I pondered this while I was away and the answer for me at this time is no.

Initially and up until recently I was concerned about how addictive submission has become for me. I feel lost in it, I need his control all around me. I want to feel pain at his hands as much as I want to feel pleasure....I'm not even sure if there is a difference for me any more. It just is. I do not want to be micromanaged nor does he want to micromanage me BUT if we end up in that situation at his direction I would still be content because it would be his choosing and I trust his judgement.

I told Daddy (more on the title change later) the more control you exert the more I want it, not really sure how he would react but he calmly replied That makes perfect sense to me so I know we are in the right place.

I'm not worried about where we go from here because it is no longer at my discretion. We are in love, Daddy wants best for me and he knows what I need. He has already told me when we live together it will be much different. I won't be longing for or missing that feeling of control because it will be an every day, every minute part of our lives.

Will I still work? Yes, I will always be the primary bread winner due to my occupation.Will I still volunteer for PTA, coach sports and lead Scout troops? Yes, probably not as much as I am now but yes, it is who I am, it is who he loves. Will I wait on Daddy hand and foot? I doubt it, he likes doing things for me so I can sit (he actually sometimes insists it since I have trouble with being still) BUT  I would wait on him that way if it pleased him.

This will go as far as Daddy takes it. Maybe that will be considered too far by some but I trust it will be right for Daddy which by proxy makes it right for me.

Now if anyone has a 4 bedroom house for sale complete with a basement dungeon, please let me know.

Wanting More Pain

When I started this whole journey I knew I was submissive. It was never something that bothered me just something that was hard to admit to the person that I felt the need to be submissive towards. I was lucky in the fact that by nature he is a Dominant person so this was not too much of a leap BUT other things are happening for me.

I can now say I know I am truly a masochist. When we are together I crave for him to cause me pain. I know to date we have not delved too far into the pain side of things but I want it, I think I need it, I fantasize about it. Is he a sadist, well I'm not sure. I believe he took pleasure in watching me squirm with each hit the crop delivered to my clit and lips, he watched my face, he smirked at my reaction, he held my legs open when I tried to close them to shield myself......but was it purely for me? I don't know. I pushed it out of my mind because these things take time, but then out of the blue he made a passing comment. It was not meant to hurt me but he wondered out loud if it was ever going to be enough for me. I think his exact words were that I am very intense and when we are together he feels my need for pain, where does it end, will it ever be enough, will he be able to go as far as I want. I wonder if these are common thoughts for a new Dom. I'll be honest I don't like that fact that he is having them because I do not believe that is the case, I just think we haven't gotten that far yet. I don't want him to stop if I cry, heck I want to not want to do what he is telling me to do and have to do it anyway. Make sense?

I crave the need for his mental control too, all the time. I know realistically it's not possible right now. We do not live together and I have A LOT of responsibilities outside of our relationship but I am growing to need to feel it around me at all times. I need to be reminded it is there or I get grumpy. He knows this, I have told him this, I think he likes it but I do not think he understands the intensity of it nor do I think I can express it. 

I don't know what my point is here but I guess I'm just a little scared of it all.  

Will you be my Dom?

Will you be my Dom? She asked
It is what I need
If you will take on this task
I'll do anything you please

He looked at her in question
Not sure he could comply
For such a strong willed women
He had to wonder why

I see it in you now my love
You like to take control
Will you be my Dom? my love
I believe it's in your soul

He knew her words rang true
Had caused him problems in the past
If he lets his true self out
Could this really last

Will you be my Dom? she asked
For you I need to kneel
I may not understand it
But it's truly how I feel

Why me he asked uncertain
Why do you want this life
I do not want resentment
Will it cause us strife

Will you be my Dom? she asked
I trust you in this role
It will make us stronger
That is my only goal

He looked at her with loving eyes
On each shoulder placed a hand
He brought her to her knees before him
I think I understand

Look at me he whispered
Feeling it was right
We will do things my way
Moving forward from this night

She raised her eyes to meet his
Feeling in her place
Knowing her submission
Was something to embrace