For me the beginning of something new is always exhilarating. There is both excitement and fear in all of it whether it is a new job, a new home or a new relationship. The beginning of accepting what I want and not being afraid to ask for it is no different. Asking actually came easy to me for some reason, although I am not sure why. Perhaps it was the extensive reading of many blogs and the two wonderful people I reached out to that were free with advice (not sure if it is proper to name them here, but I would love to say thank you in a public forum) and reassured me my feelings were ok and would not go away. All of sudden it became so crystal clear.
There he was. Someone from long ago. He loved me before, put me on a pedestal, would have done anything in the world for me but I was too young and wild to want it. There were bands to follow, new drugs to try and a whole world out there....and off I was.
Back to now - 20 years later, a chance meeting months ago, totally unexpected. A kiss that ignited things in me that I couldn't explain. Kids, work all those things force us to take things slow, a dinner here, a movie there but I noticed things....a hand on the small of my back, a directing hand, a silent "I want you to walk here" signal. It's the hand grasping the back of my hair for a kiss goodnight that positions my whole body the way he wants it and it makes me quiver. It's the directive to call me before you leave work and call me when you get home. It’s the good night call after the kids are in bed with the inevitable "you sound tired as soon as we hang up turn out the lights and go to bed" command. It's just who he is and it is just what I need, but what about the rest? How do you say this is good but I want more and you probably need to know now? Well I did it and I did it big, I laid it all out on the line and I was graphic and he wasn't shocked and he didn't run and he held me and he told me we need to go slow and we would grow into it and it would be everything I want and maybe a little more....and later he told me exactly what he wanted me to wear the next time we were going to see each other overnight and it was perfect.